Coming out

Well here it is the big reveal. Surprise!  I really don’t know how to write this post. It’s hard, ya know? Revealing your innermost darkest secret to the world is extremely….daunting. I've told some of my family and some friends and now I’m telling you, everyone else.

My sexuality has always been….questionable. I am a feminine man and I do feminine things. I love chick flicks and gossiping is one of my favorite pastimes.  Everyone always assumed and I always denied it.  Well it’s time to face facts kiddos, I am in fact gay. Shocking right?

I know you are probably thinking that I should have done this in a more personal way. Some of you may wonder why I posted this on the web for the world to see.  I can’t explain it. I just need people to know, need them to see me for who I really am. I need to know who I really am, because honestly I don’t even feel like me sometimes. I feel weighed down and heavy.

 I hated myself for a long time. Why? I honestly don’t know. I know it was stupid to feel that angry toward myself. There was nothing to be ashamed about, no reason to hate myself so much.  I always supported the LGBT community, I wasn't homophobic. There was no hatred toward anyone but me. I can’t really say why I hated me, but I know it hurt. It still does. I've dealt with a lot of crap in my life. This is different, this is hiding something away, lying to my friends, family, even myself sometimes.

I pretended to be straight. Lived in a fantasy world where I liked girls because that is what I was supposed to like. I could never love anyone.  How can you love someone else when you hate yourself?  I’m terrified of being me partially because I don’t really know who I am. I made up things, what kind of girls I liked; I fabricated feelings for people just to throw off all of the suspicious people. I've hurt people just to keep me in the clear.  

I became a very good liar. I had to; there was no other way to keep my secret safe. I think that’s what feels the worst. I lied to the people I care about; I looked them in the eyes and denied the truth. For what reason? My friends will accept me for who I am. I should never have made up this lie to begin with. It quickly spun into a vicious web. Some of you have only known me for a few months and I feel bad for lying to you, I really do. Then there are those that have known me for years, the ones that I “shared” my life with, the ones that are supposed to know the real me, the ones who are like family. I am truly sorry that I couldn't tell you the truth. You have to understand that I secretly wanted to. I really did.

I wrote this post over break because it is easier that way. I can stay here hidden in the safety of my house for a couple of weeks. I don’t have to tell people awkwardly and see their expressions. That was the weirdest part about telling my family, waiting for a response. I’m sorry for being a coward, but I have to do this. I’m tired of being dishonest and I am tired of denying who I am.  My cousin said something the other day that kind of influenced this whole post. He told me that even though I am gay, he would never treat me any differently. That is what real friendship should be like. So if I disappointed you or changed your perception of me, I am sorry. This is who I am and it is time I finally accepted it.

Ranty Rant-friendship

Hello Everyone,

I'm sorry I don't update as much. I know you have all been waiting eagerly for my next amazing blog post, but I fear I must let you down. (please note the sarcasm, I'm extremely dull and not quite that douchey...yet) I really don't have anything to write about. I have been feeling a little angsty lately and I wasn't sure if I wanted to load my blog up with all of my emotional baggage. Then I realized that is the reason I made this blog. I wanted a place to keep my thoughts. I'm going to start a new segment called "ranty rant." I'm going to rant about what I'm feeling at the moment. I know what you are thinking, and this will probably be the same kind of over-the-top, sentimental crap I usually write. It might be long, so I completely understand if it doesn't get read. If you are into  Degrassi/Disney Channel Original Movie, self-indulgent, melodrama then this is the post  for you.

I have a lot of things I want to chat about. I'm not (contrary to other post) going to rant about how I am a terrible friend. People seem to accept me for who I am, and while it is weird, I know that some people like me. I am going to rant/chat about friendship in general. This topic comes up a lot with my various friend circles and it deserves a blog post.

Best Friend-

I'm starting to hate the term best friend. It's just like love, in that it is used to put a deeper meaning into a specific relationship. I'm claiming a few best friends at the moment. An old friend and I claim "best friends," we have been through a lot together and she even wants me to be in her wedding. I have a different "best friend" that I am also super close to, but we keep having friend drama.I have a best friend that I have known since I was in the 8th grade, she is someone that I can talk to at any time and she is always there to listen. I now have a new bffl and a new best friend. The problem with this whole situation is that they are all important to me in different capacities. I can't in good conscience use the term "best" because that signifies that there is only one. I would use the term "good friends," but most of my friends are good friends. I don't know why I feel the need to throw my friends into different categories. Shouldn't they all be equal? I like to have meaningful connections with all of my friends, so I'm not quite sure when they move into the "best friend" zone. Why do they have to? Friendship is fluid right? You can be super close to someone one day and then BAM you don't talk anymore. If you throw that label on your friendship, it doesn't make it any more solid. People have ex-best friends.  Is losing a best friend more tragic than losing a regular friend? Shouldn't losing any friend feel awful, or is that just how I feel? This term over complicates something that shouldn't be that complicated. If your my friend then I care about you and you (hopefully) care about me. I may be closer to some, but it's all the same.

Trust-

Trust is weird. I used to be a very trusting individual and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. Now I think I've become more closed-off, more... secretive. I always tell people that I don't have any secrets, but everyone has secrets right? Everyone has something that they don't just tell anyone, right? It's hard to give something like that to someone, because if they slip then that's it. It's like giving your kryptonite to Lex Luthor, it'd be real (not fake) dumb. I have friends that really let me in to their lives and tell me things that are real and important, and I have friends who keep their thoughts locked up like Fort Knox. I feel closer to the people who let me in, because I value trust. I really find it amazing that someone trusts me with their kryptonite. Friendships are very important to me and I would never do anything to sabotage them, but I could and these people trust that I won't. I think there is something special in that. That's when I know a friendship is real, when I can tell them my secrets and they'll keep them. I won't tell them because I need to, I'll tell them because I want to. 

Growing Apart-

I don't really know where I'm going with this one so bear with me. I've grown apart from a lot of friends in my life. Growing apart and choosing to stop communicating with someone are different things in my mind. I don't think I've actually cut off very many friends. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I should to keep in contact with some people, but I don't care about them any less. Life just happens, ya know. Life doesn't stop when people leave, even though sometimes it feels like it should. It physically hurts to think about it sometimes. You connect with these people and give them pieces of you. Then they are gone, or they are there but they might as well be gone. We are content to let important people walk out of our lives. The worst is when it can't be helped. No matter how hard you try, the spark, the thing that made you friends is just...gone. If you are lucky you can get it back, if you are  lucky you can have a semblance of the friendship you used to have, if you're lucky the friendship never fades. Unfortunately most of us aren't that lucky and that sucks. I suppose part of being human is dealing with loss, separation, distance. I just wish it was easier sometimes.

Closing Thoughts-

Some of you may think I put too much stock in my friendship. I mean, people get married and then their friends fade into the distance, right? I don't believe in love, we've been over it. I love my family, but I don't know how people "fall" in love. I think I love some of my friends though. I think that feeling I get when I'm having a blast with my friends, when I'm sharing my life, when I'm being a total douchebag and they still like me afterword. That could be love. If that's love I could see why people chase after it. Why they spend their whole lives searching for it. Those moments with my friends are what I live for and I wouldn't want a life without them. That's why I cherish every friendship, because whether they are making me sad or happy they are making me something.

Love

Love! Love? Love...I might cause a little bit of controversy here. I don't think true love exist. People find it shocking when I tell them. I believe you can care very deeply for someone, but I don't know if love is real.  I definitely don't believe in cosmic, out of this world, destined love. How can you be destined to be with one person, when there are seven billion people on the planet?

I thought I was in love once, I really did. I mean I told myself I was in love, because I thought this is what love is supposed to feel like. I cared about her. I wanted to be around her. I never wanted to hurt her.  The problem was, I never had any intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I never wanted forever. She did and I was content with breaking her heart. That wasn't love, it can't be that easy to leave someone you "love."

People love their parents and people love their children. I love my family. That's different. They are apart of you and you can never be connected to anyone the way you are connected to them.You are apart of them and they are apart of you. It's supposed to be unconditional, but it isn't really. You could say it is, but that's not right. There is always a breaking point, always.

I guess I'm so jaded, so...bitter about the whole love concept because it's never been real to me. I think of love as a term people use to give deeper meaning to their relationships. I guess that's the definition of love, strong affection and personal attachment and whatnot. I care deeply about my family and friends and would be devastated if anything happened to any of them, but how does one go from just caring about someone to loving them? Because if loving someone is simply caring about them, then I love everyone.

I generally care about people...even strangers. I like to joke that I am some heartless asshole, but that's not really me. I just want the best for people, I just want them to be happy. Does that mean I love them? Everyone? I don't think so. Love is supposed to be something you earn, you "fall" into.  That's why I don't believe in love, because I don't understand it. How can you care about everyone, but only love some people? Aren't they one-in-the-same? If I ever fall in love I guess I'll know. I guess I'll have some cosmic revelation/epiphany and I'll think "WOW! THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS!!!" I don't think that will happen. I'll just live life without love and that will be okay.

p.s. I didn't even write about greeting card companies, that would take up a whole blog post of its own.

Goal Post!-Disney

Readers!

Long time no see?...no read?...long time no....whatever. It's been a while. I was struggling with content ideas so I have kind of been neglecting this blog. I think I'm going to start doing "segments" sometimes, which will add a little structure to my blog. I have been focusing on negativity for a while, which makes for a good read I guess, but I just thought of a new "segment" I'm gonna try to write about regularly. It's called goal post and it's about (drum roll please) Goals!

This blog is no stranger to goals. I posted a list of things to do over the summer and I also posted a soda challenge that didn't end so well. But now I going to update my progress (or lackthereof) for the world to see. I hope this helps with my motivation to accomplish these goals and can keep me on track with blog updates. It's like killing two birds with one stone. It should happen e'rry Monday, but who knows (commitment isn't really my thing).

My newest goal is Disney. My friends and I are planning a trip to Disney for Spring Break. It should be loads of fun, but there is a lot of work to be done if it is going to happen. That's why I created goal post, as a way to keep myself accountable and a place to write my "attainable" goals.

Goals:

1. Save $1500
2. Lose 20 pounds
3. Get my GPA up

These goals are rough right! $1500 is gonna be hard, especially when you add in things like phone bills (and my undying love for Chinese food). The 20 pounds thing is a very shallow personal goal, and I hope it works out. The GPA goal is for my job, because if my GPA gets too low, I lose my job and that's very bad for Brandon.

That's it for now. I'll keep the bloggy blog updated so if you want to know how I'm doing, check back here every week or so. Have a happy Monday!

Bad Friend

I talk about failure a lot, it's kind of becoming my thing. My last post about failure was generalized because sometimes I lose focus. I am going to focus now on one thing I am really terrible at, being a good friend.

I used to pride myself on being a good friend, I'm loyal and protective. If I considered someone my friend I would do anything to make sure they were happy, make sure they were okay. I would ask thirty times if they were okay and wouldn't care if I was being annoying. Now I'm different, I'm cold and bitter.

I fight with people...a lot. I don't care if people are angry with me. I thought this was a good thing, and even felt proud that I finally stopped caring. I didn't know that when you stop caring you hurt the people around you. This new selfish approach, this me-first attitude, is me now. I don't know what happened to me but I don't really like it.

The worst part is the drifting. I am content to just let people mozy out of my life willy-nilly.  I don't even try to stop them anymore. It's different when you are in different parts of the state or even in different states, but some of these people live within walking distance. I could see them anytime I want but I don't. We are completely connected to each other by things like Facebook, Twitter and text messaging but they could be dead for all I know.

I've hopped on to new friends, a new life. Some of the old ones have stayed around with no help from me of course. I always say things like "we should hang out more" or "it's not my fault," but it is. I'm not trying hard enough. I can feel them slipping away and I haven't done anything to stop it. I feel so out of place sometimes. I don't know the inside jokes anymore. I wasn't there when the stories happened.  I missed out. The worst feeling is when you feel disconnected with old friends. That's my life, disconnecting and moving on.

That's not what I want. I miss people and I want them to be around. I'm just not enough to do anything about it. I can barely hold myself together, let alone intense and complicated friendships. I guess it comes down to strength and will power. I used to thing I was a strong individual and I could do anything. I don't think that's true anymore.

Life in Review: Thursday Sep, 27 to Sunday Sep. 30

Hey Guys,

It's been awhile and I just wanted to blog a little bit about my life. I want to start with Thursday because that's when things hit overdrive, and I never really took the time to process what happened. I kind of wish I could forget some of it.

Thursday September 27, 2012

Thursday was a pretty good day for a while, I don't really remember too much about it. I was  really busy preparing for the conference and didn't really have time for much. Then I got a message that read:

Hey, so uhh haven't heard from you in a while, and well we're supposed to be trying to be friends, we're supposed to be best friends...I don't think that's true anymore...I think it's worse this year than it was last year.

I want to start by saying that I personally value every friendship I have. I try my hardest to keep them around, people grow apart...it sucks. This friend is an exception. I made a promise that I wouldn't let us grow apart. I told them that I was tired of people walking out of my life and that I wasn't going to let that happen. That conversation happened a very long time ago and I still remember it vividly. I could throw around blame and say it's a two way street, but this friend has been generally making an effort to hang out with me and I failed them big time.

It's hard to realize that you are the one making the mistakes in a friendship. I am no stranger to breaking promises, but this one is different. I try very hard to be a loyal and caring friend and I let this one get away from me. I have let a lot of friendships slip away, but I made a promise. I'm not there for a friend that I generally think needs me. I'm going to try very hard to make things right, but I think it might be too late.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday was the day before the conference and I was a complete mess. I usually don't stress about things but I was stressing on Friday. I honestly don't know what was wrong because I had most of my stuff done. I even won a nook at some point, it should have been a great day. Sometimes the weight of the world falls on your shoulders. Every unhappy moment from this semester was on my mind that day. All the arguments,the guilt, the sadness. It was all there. It was like last semester all over again. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and stay there forever. I had friends that were going through a tough time as well. I had one friend that was looking out for me though, she made me feel better and helped me finish what I needed to do. Thanks to  Ashley Biedakiewicz for helping me out, I really needed it (and sorry I almost broke down in your car).

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Saturday was the conference day and it went really well. I was really happy and energized. It was so weird because normally I'm terrified but everything went great. It's good to know that I can accomplish things on my own and if I do fail, I have amazing friends that are there to pick up the slack. I have an amazing exec. board and some pretty great friends. It would have been hard to experience something that we couldn't handle.

We went to Fairmount that night for their Dean Days Festival. I was exhausted and so were the people I went with. We had all had a very busy day at the conference and just wanted to have some good small town fun. I discovered that Fairmount is kind of creepy, in a good way. It had the small town feel that I am used to and weirdly felt like home. We didn't get to the funnel cake place in time (sad day), but my friend Kim and I split an elephant ear.  I generally don't like them but it was delicious! We saw some old cars and got a tour of the town. There was a sketchy atm and really aggressive carnies. It was a good time.

The interesting part was when we got locked out of Brittany's car. We eventually got in but it was adventure getting to that point. There were police involved, it was intense (it wasn't really intense, i'm just dramatic). Then we had to tie a door closed because there was a problem with the door. We had a good time and made memories that I don't think any of us will forget.

Sunday September 30, 2012

Not much happened Sunday. Brittany's mom made us this really huge breakfast. You don't know how much you miss home cooked meals until you haven't had it in a while. There was also an adorable dog and an adorable toddler. It was a very fun morning and then we drove home. I think we round tabled that night and had a good time.

It was an interesting end of the week that's for sure. The rest of the week has literally just gone downhill. Maybe I'll talk about that in my next post. I'm having a really hard time keeping the people in my life happy. Somewhere along the lines I stopped caring if people were mad at me. I went from trying my hardest to keep people happy to pissing someone off on a daily basis. I'm glad I have somewhere to share my thoughts and feelings because sometimes I just want to write them down. Sometimes I just need to feel like someone's listening.

The world around us changed

Hey Guys,

This blog is going to be a stream of consciousness type thing. I haven't really blogged in a while and I just need to write. I'm at the desk and I am going to write what I think, write what I feel.

I'm not stressed. I should be but I'm not. Things aren't perfect right now, but they are good. People get mad at me, which is...new? People got mad at me before, but now they get really mad at me. I offend people pretty regularly. I don't think I have changed. I don't know if other people have changed. Everything seems exactly the same, but somehow completely different. Don't get me wrong, I love my people. I wouldn't trade them. It's just...sometimes I miss people who are in the same room as me, which is weird.

The new people in my life are pretty great. It hasn't been like this in a long time. I somehow managed to keep my old friends and met a whole bunch of new people. I have learned from past experiences that friend groups like this don't last, but I'm holding out. I don't know why we chose to meet in a random lounge and call it round table. I don't know why it stuck. I definitely don't know if it will last. What I do know is that it's what I needed, and I think other people needed it too. That's got to mean something right?

I have a lot of stressful situations coming up in life. I could let it scare me, could let it make me nervous, could let it wreck me...but I won't. There's too much promise in life to get that wound up about things. I don't want to sound cheesy, but I'm trying to live in the moment. I don't want to care about the trivial things, I just want to be happy. I am happy, and I am going to do everything in my power to keep it that way. Yolo, C'est la vie, Carpe Diem.

 Now that I think about it everything is completely different. I think all of us have changed. It's more than that though, everything changes. We had to change because the world around us changed, and it continues to change. It's different and I think that's a good thing.

We will never forget

I don't even remember the teacher's name. He ran into the room and turned on the t.v. I had no idea what was going on. I remember the chaos. Lots of questions. People crying. It was intense.

9:03...That's when the second plane hit. I am positive I saw it happen, it's a very strong memory. At the same time, we can create memories. Completely fabricate something to make it fit.  Maybe I didn't see the second plane hit, but I feel like I did. Everything else is blurry, the pentagon, flight 93 but that memory is crisp. I can still see it.

I had a an extra ice cream bar at lunch. I figured if I was going to die then might as well enjoy my last day on earth. Yolo. We didn't know if the attacks were over or  when they were going to end. I could have been dead by sundown.

Last period: we had a test. Mean teacher lady wouldn't let us watch the news. We could after we finished our test. I wasn't that upset. The news was scary and sad. Mostly sad.

We had a fundraiser the next day. Pay whatever you want to wear a hat. We raised $1100. That's what happens when everything changes, people band together. When life could crumble around you at any second, you latch onto the people around you. That's what America did. That's what we did.

Everything else is blurry and sad. Hate crimes, accusations, mystery terrorist. It's all a distant memory now. 11 years ago our lives changed forever. There was a sense of vulnerability that hadn't been experienced in a long time. I don't think I will ever forget those feelings, they will always be there.

We walked away

Sooo...I really like the letter format. If I am feeling down or especially "intense" about something, I am going to write a letter. I find it very therapeutic.

I was reading a friends blog post the other day and she mentioned something that is very relevant in my life. She said, "realize that people will walk in and out of your life multiple times." This letter is to no one in particular, don't read too much into it!

Hey,

For whatever reason we don't talk anymore, and it sucks. I don't know what happened and honestly I don't want to place blame. I just want to say that I miss you. We bring people into our lives for a reason, but we walked away.  I enjoyed your company, I really did. I hope you enjoyed mine. I'd like to think I bring positive things to people's lives. There is this whole notion of  "cosmic friendships," you know the ones. They go through the good and bad and still keep strong. Apparently that wasn't us.

I am terrible at keeping in touch. It's one of my  biggest flaws. I was content to just let you leave. I didn't put in the effort to keep us together, but you didn't either. We could have done more, could have made an effort, could have at least tried. Could've, should've, would've...didn't.

My life is good right now. I am happy. I know right, weird. I hope yours is going well. I hope all of your dreams are coming true, and you are truly happy. I hope you don't dwell on the past like I do. Maybe I am just a distant memory, a remnant of time gone by. We had good times, lots of fun and you moved on. Don't get me wrong, I moved on too.

It's just...sometimes I like to revisit those memories. It seems brighter, happier. I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me. Times weren't always good. Maybe, someday I'll look back on today and it will seem brighter...happier.

Maybe I will see you someday. We'll make plans to get lunch or coffee, even though we both have no intentions of following through. It sucks that this is what we have come to. Awkward conversations and fake plans. That's life I suppose.

I really do wish you happiness.

Sincerely,

Brandon

Happiness?!

Hey Guys,

So the first full week of classes is over. That happened.

I have been here since like...the 5th, I know right that's a long  time. I mean in the grand scheme of things it isn't that long, but it seems like a while ya know. Back to the point, after a long summer, my life has finally restarted. I have really enjoyed this year so far. I have met lots of new people and am generally just having a great time.  Do you ever get that feeling that things are changing? Like it's all going to be different somehow?

I don't think it's a secret that I wasn't at my finest last year. I blew it in a big way. I finally feel like things might be okay. If you read a couple of my last post, you know that my personal life is in a state of disaster right now. That's the great thing about college, you can distance yourself.  I can leave the dark and brooding version of myself behind. I can be happy.

I am happy. I don't know if I have been in this place in a long time. I hope it last. If it doesn't, maybe I can look back to this post and feel what I am feeling right now. That's what's great about blogging, I can put what I am feeling onto something. Make it tangible.

I know it's really weird...reading about my happiness. Especially after my last couple of post were sad. There are two types of sadness in my life. The first is the sadness that I channeled into those post, the temporary sadness. The other kind is darker, more intense. It feels like it's draining you and you can do nothing to stop it. Getting out of bed is a chore and functioning normally is impossible. That's the kind of sadness you need medicine to take care of. That's the kind of sadness I don't feel anymore.

I am happy. I can feel sad and it doesn't destroy me. I can write personal letters to my sister and have fun in the same day. They don't interact. It's good to be normal, and great to be happy.

That's too personal...

Hey everyone,

So I realize that my last blog post was extremely personal. I apologize for that. At the same time, there are probably going to be a lot more "personal" post.

I come off as a very happy person. I am generally happy, but no one is happy all the time. I have been channeling that into my blog. So sometimes it can get really personal. If it's too much for you, you shouldn't read it. I post to Facebook because I like to share. I have no problems sharing every aspect of my life with the world.

You can blame it the internet or the influence of reality t.v. but it doesn't matter. If you are reading my blog you are most likely one of my friends.  I have no problem with you knowing my innermost thoughts. If you are just an acquaintance, welcome to my brain.  My mind can be a dark and twisty place sometimes, so buckle up.

If i blow up your news feed with blog post, I'm sorry. I like to express the way i'm feeling. The reason I have no problem doing that on a blog is because you don't have to read it. 

This post sounds kind of bitter, and it's not supposed to come off that way. I just realized some people don't want to know my business. That's perfectly okay. If you are a loyal reader, thanks for reading. I appreciate you. I'm glad you think what I have to say is interesting.

Until next time...

I didn't make time for you

My sister is in the hospital. Things are looking dismal, and I probably won't be there for her. I don't know when I am going to post this, but I just feel the need to write it now on August 15, 2012 at 2:02 pm. This is a letter to my little sister Kelsey, saying all of the things I will probably never get to say to her.

Kelsey,

First off let me apologize to you, I made a promise to mom that I would look after you. I failed.  

You were gone in a bad way and i was going to college. I honestly wanted to move on with my life ya know.  I felt like Seymour and Austin were traps that I was going to get stuck in, you were a part of that. Let's be honest, 2007-2009 were hard years for all of us. Mom was just diagnosed with cancer and you were staying in Austin because you hated Tanya. You got really bad into drugs and we lost you. I would get sooo mad because mom would put all of this faith that you would come back to us. I was the good one, I worked hard, but you were her ray of sunshine. You were the one that gave her hope, and I hated it. She just thought you were young and stupid. You were, and we all paid for it. You made our lives a living hell back then, so I decided you weren't worth keeping in my life. 

Fast forward to 2009. 2009 was strange because it was one of the worst and somehow one of the best years of my life. Mom died and I got into college. I know this post is lacking emotion or might feel angry, but I can't convey how I feel right now. I definitely can't do it in a blog post. Mom died, and you got worse. It was so unfair, I was there for her. I saw her deteriorate. I watched her cry for no reason and tell me to leave her alone because she was ashamed of herself. It was unfair because everyone else got to go crazy. You and Josh got to break down in tears at the funeral and I didn't. I talked to everyone and took pictures and even laughed a few times.  I felt like I needed to be the one who didn't shed a tear because you two were taking it so hard. People knew you and Josh took it hard. People thought I was okay, I wasn't okay. I took that burden. Someone needed to be strong.

This is where the guilt comes in. Mom begged me to take care of you, you could probably say it was her dying wish. I ignored it. I had the greatest time of my life that first year of college, and you were all but a memory.  I needed a break from that town, my family, and most of all from you. There was a dark cloud looming over every conversation and at college I didn't have that. I could mention  my great tragedy in passing and people would just say that's sad and move on. That's what I needed, and that's what I got. I would feel guilty the few times I thought about you. I still thought it was unfair. How could she expect me to take care of you? You didn't want to be taken care of! That was too much pressure for me, and I didn't deserve it. Mom thought I didn't need her and I would be fine, it was you she was worried about. I needed her too! I still do. Nobody's fine. How could anyone be FINE in times like these? I was in college having the time of my life, and I didn't make time for you. 

Now your sick and here I am feeling bitter. This post is very insensitive and I realize that. I just want to say that I do love you. You looked me in the eyes and told me you didn't want to die. I don't want you you to die either.  To the little girl who used to run around calling me "bub." The one that missed out on banging pots and pans on New Years Eve, the one I cried for,  I miss you. To the slightly older girl who called me fat and hit me with brownie boxes, I miss you too. To the girl who turned into a monster ravaged by addiction and greed, the one who stole from me and the rest of our family every chance she could get. I miss you too. You are all alone and scared and I probably won't be there for you.  I love you, the good and the bad. I didn't say it enough and I didn't make time for you and apparently I still can't . And for that I'm sorry.

With love,

Your big brother,

Brandon

Final list update

Hello all,

So, my summer officially ends on Sunday. Here is the final summer list-thing update.

1. Bake a cake from scratch
2. Get a job
3. Save $100 (small goals people!)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Only drink one soda a day
6. Beat my cousin and his friends at 21
7. Talk to a different person from my past every day for a week
8. Write a blog post everyday for a week
9. Get a tan (This one's a stretch)
10. Read a book
11. Update my very crappy website
12. Get all my leadership stuff going
13. Make dinner for my family
14. Get outside more (twice a week) for two weeks
15. Go without TV for a day
16. Create my own award show (Donelle Henderlong)
17. Jog a mile
18. Watch Citizen Kane
19. Complete a coloring book
20. Learn a magic trick

So from the looks of it I failed big time, but you know what I'm not sweating it. When I posted my blog about failure, I got some amazing responses that made me reevaluate my stance on life. Let's be clear, I did not have a life changing moment because of a blog post. I just saw that people appreciate me and that made a difference ya know. So instead of counting these as failures, I'm going to count this list as a step in the right direction. I'm going to make another list eventually. It's good to have goals and a plan, and even if I don't finish everything on the list. At least I started something.

Passion: The Three Movie Exercise

Let's be clear here. When I talk about "passion," I don't mean like romantic, roll-in-the-hay passion. I mean like life passion. An "I wanna be a dancer," or "I want to write the next great American novel." Knaw meen? (Sorry I felt it was necessary)

You see the problem is I don't really know what my passion is. I have been asked, and I honestly do not have a great answer. Passion is a weird concept to me because I put "passion" into everything. I feel "passionate" about a lot of things, so the concept of one main focus is foreign to me. I just assumed that I am passionless and boring.  I was content being a passionless bore until i stumbled across a small article by Michael Hyatt, which you can read here.

Here's the scenario, you pick three of your favorite movies, find a common-thread between them, then BAM  the "thread" closely resembles your passion in life. It says not to use much thought so I'll pick the movies I used to tell people. Scream, War of the Worlds, Dawn of the dead

They are horror movies kind of, but that's not the point. I think they are mostly about people being thrown into situations that are out of their control. These people went from ordinary lives to trying their best to survive. The have all lost some form of family and then got thrown into wretched situations, and they are all fighters.

Is that what it is? Am I a fighter who is just trying to survive? I don't know, but this was a fun way to look into my taste and try to discover things about myself. Eh someday I will find my passion, I'm not in a rush.

Failure

Failure sucks. Over a week ago, I wrote a little post about how I was going to quit drinking soda cold turkey. I failed big time. I also said I was going to post every day about my "progress"....again FAIL.  I have failed at a lot of things in my life. I failed two classes last semester. I failed at life for a while. This is different, this is a lack of willpower. People tell me that I don't really want these things, that if I wanted them they would happen.

That is very true. I love soda, but it's terrible for me. I love to eat my weight worth of food, but it will kill me someday. I love to sleep instead of going to class, but I will fail said classes. I realize these things but I can't make the pros of quitting these things outweigh the cons.

I'm gonna take a turn here, because I just realized I am blogging about my love of being a glutton. I love to do these things but I sacrifice a lot for them. Self-esteem and confidence. Self-loathings is an art that I am very skilled in. I literally hate the way I look, and I know I am not helpless to change it. I just don't have the willpower and drive to make better choices in my live. I can't even complete an easy task list that I wrote months ago.

It sucks when you look at your life and can only see negative. I have done some positive things, but I think I can only attribute those successes to other people in my life. People who pushed me when I had all but given up. People who forced me to be successful. I always say I need motivation, and that has never rang more true. I just hope I can find it, before it's too late.

07/19/2012: My Personal Challenge

Hello all,

So remember that post about soda? I am going to take a drastic challenge, and it is going to be awful.  I am going to try to quit drinking soda cold turkey. I know, sounds crazy right? I just feel like this is the only way it's going to work. I have tried everything else with no success. I feel like a failure. It can't be this hard, can it?

I've thought about it for a long time. I put on the list that I want to get down to one soda a day. Well I don't think that is going to work. Cold turkey is not the way to go and I know that, but I have to try. I feel like this is a trial, and if I can just get past it I can prove myself. I don't know who I am trying to prove myself to, maybe me? Is that a thing? Oh well, it is now.

So I am going to post daily about the rest of my list. I figure this kills two birds with one stone. I am going to be blowing up your feeds with blog post so (in the words of scar) be prepared.

Millennials...The scourge of the world

Rant Time. So, I have been reading up on the term millennial. I didn't know a name that defines a whole generation could have such a negative connotation. The me generation...come on, really? Let's not forget that we are all self-indulgent and narcissistic. Bluh. The fact that we have nostalgia for the past, that's downright tragic. Jobless, peter pan wannabes with no motivation to seek a life of our own. These are the things I have been reading about my generation. Our generation. Sickening.

I mean...I could do some self reflection and realize that I write a blog almost everyday about nothing. I think that I have valuable things to say, that doesn't make me narcissistic...does it? Everyone likes to talk about themselves, share their stories, make their lives known. After all, everyone is the main character in their own life, right?

Every college kid worth their salt has a tirade about the awesomeness of 90's nickelodeon at their fingertips, but since when is nostalgia a problem? If people in their 80's can do it, why can't we? Is it so sad to yearn for the feelings of time gone by?

 Just because we grew up in an age of instant gratification, doesn't make us self-indulgent...does it? So what if I want things instantaneously, that doesn't make me a bad person. I don't want to live at home forever, but what if that's not optional? A shoddy job market does not make for a very reliable lifestyle.

This rant flickered out quickly. It's hard to look in the mirror and realize that you aren't what you think you are. The truth hurts I suppose. It's easy to place the blame on others and that's what most of us do. Is it really our fault that we were raised to appreciate praise? Everyone wants to have value, be appreciated, feel accomplished. The world doesn't always work that way though. One thing is certain, the term millennial (however valid it may be) makes me feel crappy. Which apparently reinforces that I am in fact a millennial. UGH.

Soda

Ok, so I gotta be honest here. Soda sucks. On the one hand, it's freakin delicious and makes all of my food taste better. On the other hand, it's turning me into a morbidly obese doughball. I mean I can't blame soda alone, but lets be real. I drink roughly 6-8 cans of soda a day, a day! That's just plain unhealthy, and is causing my body mucho amounts of harmo. Let's look at the numbers for a sec.

One can of coke has 140 calories. Some simple math tells me that I am consuming upwards of 1100 calories a day in soda alone. That's not even counting the sugar, and caffeine. I am literally drowning myself in carbonated beverages.

The worst thing, I mean the worst thing...is that I can't control myself. That sucks. I wish I had the willpower to stop but I don't. I am like an addict. I'm obviously addicted to caffeine, but I feel like a real addict. Soda is my crack, my heroin, my coke (drug puns, oh society). I've tried to stop and failed  miserably.

The reason I am blogging about this is not for attention. This isn't the plight of the fat soda addict. I just haven't addressed it before. I have always known soda was a problem area, but I just wanna let my limited readership know my opinion on myself and my choices.

Bottom Line: I hate soda, and love soda. That's all.

Night

I'm trying to blog daily for a week so this might not be very interesting.

some people may wonder why I only make blog post really late at night. It's weird because I am definitely up earlier in the day. I typically get up at noon and go to bed around 6 a.m.  Yeah I don't sleep much. Don't get me wrong, I love to sleep but I am trying not to waste my entire summer. This post might have no direction...sorry.

Anyway back to the pointless, I post at night. Nothing is greater to me than a quite house and that happens at night. Well it used to. Most of my family and friends are now on my sleep schedule which makes things harder. For some reason I find blogging relaxing. I love chillin in the dining room writing long tomes about my melodramatic life and my thoughts on nothing. I forgot how much I love to write, and that makes me sad. It's like I had to find something that was missing. I could be creative...maybe, and I could be good, but I'm content just writing.

The bottom line is I like to write, and hopefully some of you like to read my stuff. I may not be able to spell very well (here's lookin at you spellcheck) and I may have very poor grammatical skills, but this is going to be a part of my life and I want to share it with the world (well mostly with my facebook peeps). I hope you guys enjoy this blog as much as I do because it's for me and you. If not, sorry bout cha..

Friends, Family and the Mad Dash

Hey everyone I have literally no update on my list of things. Sorry about that as you all know, I suck at these things. I should really blog more. I love to do it, but I just stink at commitment. It's a flaw that I would love to  talk more about but I'll save that for a later post. Now on to the juicy stuff (well not really juicy, sorry I try to make it sound  interesting).

This post is going to be about the end of my oh-so-fantastic summer. Can you feel the sarcasm yet?  I mean this summer hasn't been terrible. It has actually been quite the opposite. What I mean to say is that I am actually enjoying being here. I am actually happy to be home and I haven't felt that way in a really long time. It's kind of sad really because my life at home is usually a countdown until I go back to school in the fall. This is where the Mad Dash part of my post comes into play. I usually sit here sad and depressed, waiting on my chance to return to my magical escape. This summer however, has been different. School is approaching very rapidly and I still have a lot to do. It's kind of scary. I need to get my act together and get started, but I am not used to feeling that way during the summer. It's kind of daunting.

Now on to the Family part of the post. Some could misconstrue this post as me bashing my family (a.k.a my aunt). This is not what I am saying, I love my family. Previously at home I have felt like there is nothing there for me. I didn't feel like I was important there. At school I am involved, I have a lot of friends and I feel like I accomplish things. At home I felt like a piece of furniture...a lamp...or a really big chair. Now I feel like I matter. People actually listen to me and value my opinion. People actually want my company. I have hung out with my cousin Tyler more this summer than ever before. My other cousin Michael has always valued my company, but we hang out a lot too. I just feel comfortable with my family, I feel more connected, I feel like I belong there. It's weird, I know because I have always belonged there. I can just tell now. It feels more real.

Friends. This is the thing that is really different about this summer.  I actually have friends in Seymour, which is weird. I should have friends here, I mean I have lived here all of my life. I don't...or didn't. I have a terrible track record with my homies. One day I'm chattin' about life and living the dream, then the next thing I know it's three months later and they could be dead for all I know. I really need to be better at KIT, but I fail HARD. Anyway, back to the point, I now have friends here. Technically they are my cousin's friends but they all seem to like me. I would hang out with most of them, and do on a pretty regular basis. Some of Tyler's friends I have known for years and are like family. Michael's girlfriend Bri is the person who I have grown the closest to. She is great and we chat about a lot of random crap.  It's weird because she is my cousin's girlfriend so my family sometimes gets the wrong idea, but she is my homie. Michael says we are dull because like to just sit and chit chat, but that's what we do. I feel weird mooching off of both of my cousin's people but I'm always here. Of course they are going to talk to me.

This is an extremely long post and probably should have been broken up, but this is a personal blog and I like to get personal. Maybe the next one will be shorter. I just like to write, and hopefully somebody likes to read what I have to say. Oh well, until next time.

Reality....

UPDATE: I updated the list kind of, so if you are keeping track of  that feel free to check down there for some updates. I know you are trembling with excitement, but now on to the article.

So here is the thing. My cousin and I have this similar experience and I decided to share it with my lovely blog reading franz. This thing happens where it feels like reality is slipping away.....I know weird right. I can't really explain it but it's like things aren't real and I am going to break away from...life, reality, the world??? I don't really know. Sounds crazy? I know right. Anywho I thought I was the only one who experienced this weirdness until my cousin started talking about it.

I guess the thing I want to know is if other people experience things like this. If not, does everyone have some weird things that happen to them that they are terrified of telling other people. I mean I post mine on the internet for everyone to see, but before I was afraid to talk about it. I have real issues and this could be some side effect, but I'm not alone. Does everyone experience some unexplainable secret weirdness or just the crazy ones. I don't like to think I'm nutso but some of my friends and family might tell you otherwise.  It's just something to think about I suppose.

In non-crazy person news, I think I am going to start a pop culture blog. I know that I have trouble keeping this one updated but I love pop culture and think I will be better at keeping it updated. This is a personal blog and I would like to have a blog that seems a tad more professional if you know what I'm sayin. Until next time.

Flashback!

UPDATE: so far so fail on my list of things to do for the summer. I am working on some of them, but have failed miserably on others. I like to pretend that my small readership is interested in this sort of thing. I do have a job interview, wish me luck!

Now onto the random blog post of the day. I just remembered project playlist. Now for some of you who participated in the Myspace era, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Project playlist is a website where you can listen to any songs you want for free, then you could post your customized playlist to Myspace. That's the only reason I used this website and I assume it is the same for most people. I haven't visited the site since first semester of my freshman year. I expected to find a bunch of awesome songs from my past, what I got instead was a flashback full of depressing and angsty music.

I have to admit that I did feel a bit of nostalgia when I ventured into my screamo/punk past, but that music just doesn't fit my life anymore. Somewhere down the line I decided unintelligible screams and pig squeals  weren't my thing, and decided that pop and musical numbers were what I enjoy. I know! Big change right! When the music changed from Hawthorne Heights and Alesana to Lady Gaga and Glee I knew that I had  made a full blown switcheroo. I could see why my outlook was so bleak back then (I was having a tough time). I was a high school dropout, my mom had cancer, and I had no future in sight. I don't mean to create a sob story here but it seems obvious that my taste in music reflects whats happening in my life.

I realize that this post has little to no focus, but I will continue out of self-interest.  I don't want anyone to think I am dissing the music from my past, I'm not I promise. It helped me through a lot of stuff and kept me sane. I guess I didn't realize how much things change. Situations, taste in music, outlook on life, these are all things that have changed drastically in a few short years. I looked into my past and got a huge surprise. I have all of these plans for the future and now I'm not sure I will even be the same person by then. Just some food for thought I guess. Hope you enjoyed this random post. Until next time.

The List!!!!

EDIT: Hi guys I edited the list with some random things.
RED: Probably not going to happen
BLUE: Edited because I failed really badly
LINE: Completed!


Hello all, after an exciting afternoon full of basketball and gym I am excited to bring you the list! I know I act like this list is a big deal, and most of you don't find it very interesting, but I am sooooooo bored that I HAVE to do something. So without further ado(?) here it is!!!

1. Bake a cake from scratch
2. Get a job
3. Save $100 (small goals people!)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Only drink one soda a day
6. Beat my cousin and his friends at 21
7. Talk to a different person from my past every day for a week
8. Write a blog post everyday for a week
9. Get a tan (This one's a stretch)
10. Read a book
11. Update my very crappy website
12. Get all my leadership stuff going
13. Make dinner for my family
14. Get outside more (twice a week) for two weeks
15. Go without TV for a day
16. Create my own award show (Donelle Henderlong)
17. Jog a mile
18. Watch Citizen Kane
19. Complete a coloring book
20. Learn a magic trick

There it is!! I put it on the internet for all of my viewers (imaginary or real) to see. I will try my hardest to accomplish them, and keep this blog updated. That's it for now. Until next time! Hasta La Pasta!

About that list of things

Hey imaginary viewers,

Sorry I never got around to posting that list of things I want to accomplish by the end of the summer. I wish I could say I was busy but............that would be an outright lie. I'm sorry I'll do better next time. I know my imaginary fans have been patiently waiting for my list of goals and I don't want to disappoint.

Actually I am going to disappoint. I'm sorry again (I suck at this.) I want to write a list of goals but that will require some thought. So that will be my first goal: to write a list of goals. I know it seems small, but I must take  baby steps my imaginary friends.  I will try to have them posted by tomorrow (not making any promises). Until then Hasta la Pasta!

Summer

I always come to an inconvenience when I come home for the summer. I like that I get to take a break from classes and chill out and do nothing. I just wish I had the motivation to do more. I could be spending all of this lovely time doing a lot of things, but I end up on the internet until five in the morning and sleeping until five the next day.

I am posting it here for all of my imaginary viewers to see! I am going to get stuff done this summer! I am going to come up with a list of goals and post them here, and  by the time I go back to school I need to have completed them. This will give my boring life a sense of purpose (and help relieve me of boredom.) Expect the post tomorrow (I know your imaginary selves are teeming with excitement.) Until then Hasta la Pasta!

Welcome

If you are reading this, welcome to the first post on my brand new blog! I need to write more and this is the best way for me to do that. Rants and musings are what I do so thanks for coming along for the ride!