Suicide. Doesn't it seem like it's all around us? It feels like everyday I hear the story of someone who decided to take their own life. What is there to say to a person who is grieving that very specific kind of loss? I mean we have t.v. shows like "13 Reasons Why" that focus purely on the after effects of a girl who takes her own life. There is a song whose title is the suicide hotline number. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I should tell my story. I haven't really talked about it in great detail because it's easier to laugh it off. I'm not looking for pity or congratulations. I just want to talk openly and honestly about the mindset of someone who believed that there was no other option.
In 2014 I decided that I was going to kill myself. I wish I could explain to you the process with which I made that decision. For some I'm sure, it just comes on a whim. Not for me. It started as a maggot, a small little thought in the back of my mind. I was smack dab in the middle of a major depressive spiral. I stopped taking my anti-depressants about a year before. I was working 12 hours a day at a pharmaceutical company and I would spend most of my days off lying on the floor staring at the wall. I wish I could explain the emptiness I felt. I wish I could really make you feel the heavy ball in the pit of stomach that never went away. I honestly felt like I would never be happy again. At one point, I completely forgot what happiness felt like. That's when the thoughts started.
Just end it. If you are happier when you are sleeping, then why not just permanently go to sleep? What started as a small bug grew like a tapeworm. It was all I could think about and it was all consuming. I knew I was being selfish and I thought about my family often. I was constantly thinking of how much money I needed to save, because after my mom died I knew the burden of an unplanned funeral. I didn't want to leave anyone the financial responsibility of putting me in the ground. I felt bad for my family. I couldn't do it in the house because then someone would have to find me. It's so cruel to ruin the memories of someones home because you don't want to live anymore. That's why I couldn't cut my wrist. You need running water to keep the blood flowing freely so I would have to be in the bathtub. I was too fat to hang myself, so a gun was the only way to go. I started researching gun laws in Indiana. I wanted to know how much it cost to buy one and how long I would have to wait.
It probably seems like I'm being flippant about the whole thing. Now I can look back on it with clarity and see how ridiculous it was. I'm not trying to be cavalier, I'm just trying to be honest.I really couldn't stand being alive. I couldn't stand the pain. I couldn't stand the fabricated aspects of my own reality. No emotion I ever showed was genuine. I was a fraud. Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong. I would stand in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, trying to break away. I felt detached from my own body. Like I was looking down on some sham of a human. Someone who didn't deserve to be here. Someone who didn't contribute to anything. Someone who wasn't wanted.
I wish I could tell you that I chose to stay because of my family, or friends or some loved one. I wish I could tell you that I recognized my worth and decided to stick around. The real answer is much more dumb than that. A reality t.v. show saved my life. More specifically: Big Brother.
I decided that I was going to watch the newest season of Big Brother. I had seen a few episodes and I had some friends in college that were obsessed with it. After watching the first couple of episodes, I decided that I would wait until the show show was over to end my life. If after 99 days I still wanted to commit suicide I would. That would give me the time that I needed to save money for a funeral and I could figure out the rest of my plan.
The best thing about big brother is that it's 24/7. You can literally pay attention to these people all of the time. It's so funny because the season I watched isn't even one of the better seasons. I just used it as a means to escape my brains desire to kill me. I just needed to not be in my head all the time. Slowly, the thoughts died down. I started a new job that wasn't so bad. I was throwing all of my energy into working and watching Big Brother. I was living vicariously through these other people and it was just enough to bring me out of the dark. After 99 daysI decided that life wasn't so bad. I had found the dumbest reason to stick it out and it worked.
I haven't had a suicidal thought in a very long time. I have a special place in my heart for Big Brother. I don't know if or when I'll get hit with another wave of depression. Right now, I have the best support system in the world and I don't ever feel alone. When I have a bad day, I go hard at the gym. I guess the big take away is that if you are hurting and can't seem to find a way out. It doesn't matter what you have to do to make it through. A reality t.v. show literally saved my life. My other favorite t.v. show has a line. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." Convincing yourself to stick around is difficult, but all that matters is you stick around.
