Happiness?!

Hey Guys,

So the first full week of classes is over. That happened.

I have been here since like...the 5th, I know right that's a long  time. I mean in the grand scheme of things it isn't that long, but it seems like a while ya know. Back to the point, after a long summer, my life has finally restarted. I have really enjoyed this year so far. I have met lots of new people and am generally just having a great time.  Do you ever get that feeling that things are changing? Like it's all going to be different somehow?

I don't think it's a secret that I wasn't at my finest last year. I blew it in a big way. I finally feel like things might be okay. If you read a couple of my last post, you know that my personal life is in a state of disaster right now. That's the great thing about college, you can distance yourself.  I can leave the dark and brooding version of myself behind. I can be happy.

I am happy. I don't know if I have been in this place in a long time. I hope it last. If it doesn't, maybe I can look back to this post and feel what I am feeling right now. That's what's great about blogging, I can put what I am feeling onto something. Make it tangible.

I know it's really weird...reading about my happiness. Especially after my last couple of post were sad. There are two types of sadness in my life. The first is the sadness that I channeled into those post, the temporary sadness. The other kind is darker, more intense. It feels like it's draining you and you can do nothing to stop it. Getting out of bed is a chore and functioning normally is impossible. That's the kind of sadness you need medicine to take care of. That's the kind of sadness I don't feel anymore.

I am happy. I can feel sad and it doesn't destroy me. I can write personal letters to my sister and have fun in the same day. They don't interact. It's good to be normal, and great to be happy.

That's too personal...

Hey everyone,

So I realize that my last blog post was extremely personal. I apologize for that. At the same time, there are probably going to be a lot more "personal" post.

I come off as a very happy person. I am generally happy, but no one is happy all the time. I have been channeling that into my blog. So sometimes it can get really personal. If it's too much for you, you shouldn't read it. I post to Facebook because I like to share. I have no problems sharing every aspect of my life with the world.

You can blame it the internet or the influence of reality t.v. but it doesn't matter. If you are reading my blog you are most likely one of my friends.  I have no problem with you knowing my innermost thoughts. If you are just an acquaintance, welcome to my brain.  My mind can be a dark and twisty place sometimes, so buckle up.

If i blow up your news feed with blog post, I'm sorry. I like to express the way i'm feeling. The reason I have no problem doing that on a blog is because you don't have to read it. 

This post sounds kind of bitter, and it's not supposed to come off that way. I just realized some people don't want to know my business. That's perfectly okay. If you are a loyal reader, thanks for reading. I appreciate you. I'm glad you think what I have to say is interesting.

Until next time...

I didn't make time for you

My sister is in the hospital. Things are looking dismal, and I probably won't be there for her. I don't know when I am going to post this, but I just feel the need to write it now on August 15, 2012 at 2:02 pm. This is a letter to my little sister Kelsey, saying all of the things I will probably never get to say to her.

Kelsey,

First off let me apologize to you, I made a promise to mom that I would look after you. I failed.  

You were gone in a bad way and i was going to college. I honestly wanted to move on with my life ya know.  I felt like Seymour and Austin were traps that I was going to get stuck in, you were a part of that. Let's be honest, 2007-2009 were hard years for all of us. Mom was just diagnosed with cancer and you were staying in Austin because you hated Tanya. You got really bad into drugs and we lost you. I would get sooo mad because mom would put all of this faith that you would come back to us. I was the good one, I worked hard, but you were her ray of sunshine. You were the one that gave her hope, and I hated it. She just thought you were young and stupid. You were, and we all paid for it. You made our lives a living hell back then, so I decided you weren't worth keeping in my life. 

Fast forward to 2009. 2009 was strange because it was one of the worst and somehow one of the best years of my life. Mom died and I got into college. I know this post is lacking emotion or might feel angry, but I can't convey how I feel right now. I definitely can't do it in a blog post. Mom died, and you got worse. It was so unfair, I was there for her. I saw her deteriorate. I watched her cry for no reason and tell me to leave her alone because she was ashamed of herself. It was unfair because everyone else got to go crazy. You and Josh got to break down in tears at the funeral and I didn't. I talked to everyone and took pictures and even laughed a few times.  I felt like I needed to be the one who didn't shed a tear because you two were taking it so hard. People knew you and Josh took it hard. People thought I was okay, I wasn't okay. I took that burden. Someone needed to be strong.

This is where the guilt comes in. Mom begged me to take care of you, you could probably say it was her dying wish. I ignored it. I had the greatest time of my life that first year of college, and you were all but a memory.  I needed a break from that town, my family, and most of all from you. There was a dark cloud looming over every conversation and at college I didn't have that. I could mention  my great tragedy in passing and people would just say that's sad and move on. That's what I needed, and that's what I got. I would feel guilty the few times I thought about you. I still thought it was unfair. How could she expect me to take care of you? You didn't want to be taken care of! That was too much pressure for me, and I didn't deserve it. Mom thought I didn't need her and I would be fine, it was you she was worried about. I needed her too! I still do. Nobody's fine. How could anyone be FINE in times like these? I was in college having the time of my life, and I didn't make time for you. 

Now your sick and here I am feeling bitter. This post is very insensitive and I realize that. I just want to say that I do love you. You looked me in the eyes and told me you didn't want to die. I don't want you you to die either.  To the little girl who used to run around calling me "bub." The one that missed out on banging pots and pans on New Years Eve, the one I cried for,  I miss you. To the slightly older girl who called me fat and hit me with brownie boxes, I miss you too. To the girl who turned into a monster ravaged by addiction and greed, the one who stole from me and the rest of our family every chance she could get. I miss you too. You are all alone and scared and I probably won't be there for you.  I love you, the good and the bad. I didn't say it enough and I didn't make time for you and apparently I still can't . And for that I'm sorry.

With love,

Your big brother,

Brandon

Final list update

Hello all,

So, my summer officially ends on Sunday. Here is the final summer list-thing update.

1. Bake a cake from scratch
2. Get a job
3. Save $100 (small goals people!)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Only drink one soda a day
6. Beat my cousin and his friends at 21
7. Talk to a different person from my past every day for a week
8. Write a blog post everyday for a week
9. Get a tan (This one's a stretch)
10. Read a book
11. Update my very crappy website
12. Get all my leadership stuff going
13. Make dinner for my family
14. Get outside more (twice a week) for two weeks
15. Go without TV for a day
16. Create my own award show (Donelle Henderlong)
17. Jog a mile
18. Watch Citizen Kane
19. Complete a coloring book
20. Learn a magic trick

So from the looks of it I failed big time, but you know what I'm not sweating it. When I posted my blog about failure, I got some amazing responses that made me reevaluate my stance on life. Let's be clear, I did not have a life changing moment because of a blog post. I just saw that people appreciate me and that made a difference ya know. So instead of counting these as failures, I'm going to count this list as a step in the right direction. I'm going to make another list eventually. It's good to have goals and a plan, and even if I don't finish everything on the list. At least I started something.

Passion: The Three Movie Exercise

Let's be clear here. When I talk about "passion," I don't mean like romantic, roll-in-the-hay passion. I mean like life passion. An "I wanna be a dancer," or "I want to write the next great American novel." Knaw meen? (Sorry I felt it was necessary)

You see the problem is I don't really know what my passion is. I have been asked, and I honestly do not have a great answer. Passion is a weird concept to me because I put "passion" into everything. I feel "passionate" about a lot of things, so the concept of one main focus is foreign to me. I just assumed that I am passionless and boring.  I was content being a passionless bore until i stumbled across a small article by Michael Hyatt, which you can read here.

Here's the scenario, you pick three of your favorite movies, find a common-thread between them, then BAM  the "thread" closely resembles your passion in life. It says not to use much thought so I'll pick the movies I used to tell people. Scream, War of the Worlds, Dawn of the dead

They are horror movies kind of, but that's not the point. I think they are mostly about people being thrown into situations that are out of their control. These people went from ordinary lives to trying their best to survive. The have all lost some form of family and then got thrown into wretched situations, and they are all fighters.

Is that what it is? Am I a fighter who is just trying to survive? I don't know, but this was a fun way to look into my taste and try to discover things about myself. Eh someday I will find my passion, I'm not in a rush.