Kelsey,
First off let me apologize to you, I made a promise to mom that I would look after you. I failed.
You were gone in a bad way and i was going to college. I honestly wanted to move on with my life ya know. I felt like Seymour and Austin were traps that I was going to get stuck in, you were a part of that. Let's be honest, 2007-2009 were hard years for all of us. Mom was just diagnosed with cancer and you were staying in Austin because you hated Tanya. You got really bad into drugs and we lost you. I would get sooo mad because mom would put all of this faith that you would come back to us. I was the good one, I worked hard, but you were her ray of sunshine. You were the one that gave her hope, and I hated it. She just thought you were young and stupid. You were, and we all paid for it. You made our lives a living hell back then, so I decided you weren't worth keeping in my life.
Fast forward to 2009. 2009 was strange because it was one of the worst and somehow one of the best years of my life. Mom died and I got into college. I know this post is lacking emotion or might feel angry, but I can't convey how I feel right now. I definitely can't do it in a blog post. Mom died, and you got worse. It was so unfair, I was there for her. I saw her deteriorate. I watched her cry for no reason and tell me to leave her alone because she was ashamed of herself. It was unfair because everyone else got to go crazy. You and Josh got to break down in tears at the funeral and I didn't. I talked to everyone and took pictures and even laughed a few times. I felt like I needed to be the one who didn't shed a tear because you two were taking it so hard. People knew you and Josh took it hard. People thought I was okay, I wasn't okay. I took that burden. Someone needed to be strong.
This is where the guilt comes in. Mom begged me to take care of you, you could probably say it was her dying wish. I ignored it. I had the greatest time of my life that first year of college, and you were all but a memory. I needed a break from that town, my family, and most of all from you. There was a dark cloud looming over every conversation and at college I didn't have that. I could mention my great tragedy in passing and people would just say that's sad and move on. That's what I needed, and that's what I got. I would feel guilty the few times I thought about you. I still thought it was unfair. How could she expect me to take care of you? You didn't want to be taken care of! That was too much pressure for me, and I didn't deserve it. Mom thought I didn't need her and I would be fine, it was you she was worried about. I needed her too! I still do. Nobody's fine. How could anyone be FINE in times like these? I was in college having the time of my life, and I didn't make time for you.
Now your sick and here I am feeling bitter. This post is very insensitive and I realize that. I just want to say that I do love you. You looked me in the eyes and told me you didn't want to die. I don't want you you to die either. To the little girl who used to run around calling me "bub." The one that missed out on banging pots and pans on New Years Eve, the one I cried for, I miss you. To the slightly older girl who called me fat and hit me with brownie boxes, I miss you too. To the girl who turned into a monster ravaged by addiction and greed, the one who stole from me and the rest of our family every chance she could get. I miss you too. You are all alone and scared and I probably won't be there for you. I love you, the good and the bad. I didn't say it enough and I didn't make time for you and apparently I still can't . And for that I'm sorry.
With love,
Your big brother,
Brandon
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