Has it really been a year?

Well friends it has officially been a year since the big announcement. One year ago today I took what seemed like the biggest leap that I would ever take. I came out of the closet. I crafted what I though was the perfect message. I hit the submit button around four in the morning. I turned off my phone. I went to bed and I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. The response was overwhelmingly positive and that was that.

Has it really been that long? Have 365 days really passed? Am I different?

Some would definitely say I am. I have heard that I seem more happy. Sometimes I feel like I am really happy. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that I can finally be myself. Sometimes....

Did you know that sexuality is really confusing? I'm gay. I can say it confidently. I can say it. That was a big step for me.  Sometimes I still don't feel like I fit.  I feel like there is all of these qualifiers that come with being gay. You have to like fashion. You have to be flamboyant. You have to act a certain way and dress a certain way and be a certain way. I'm not that way.

I'm not that person. I feel like I am not gay enough but I know I'm not straight. I get confused. Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like anyone?  Now we've moved into an entirely different zone. Asexual....maybe...bisexual....no....pansexual....Who knows. The sad thing is that I didn't even come up with these  thoughts. A year ago I was sure of who I was. I told the world.

I told the world! Is that not enough? Shouldn't that solidify it. It is out there in writing. Why question it? I didn't question it. I told someone once that their sexuality is theirs. Is it? Is my sexuality my own? Everyone else gets caught up in it. Everyone has questions and theories and opinions. It's a phase. He's gaay. You've never been with a man so how do you know? You are bi-curious. I thought I came out for me. Sometimes it seems like I came out for everyone else.

Now I have have to continually come out for the rest of my life.  For the rest of my life I have to tell people what I prefer. I have to defend myself. Discovering that I was gay was a painful process. I had to confirm what I knew over and over. I had to make sure. I had to battle myself. I thought that ended when you came out of the closet. It doesn't. Now I defend myself to everyone else. I tell them I'm sure. I was born this way. Why would I choose this?  This is why I find men attractive...etc.

Let me be clear. I am proud that I came out of the closet. This year I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am comfortable with who I am. My sexuality is my own. That is a lesson that I need to remember. Just because I am not looking for a relationship or a hookup doesn't mean I'm straight. It doesn't mean I'm asexual. It might mean that I'm not confident. It might mean that I don't know how to date men. It might mean I'm terrified. It might mean a lot of things.

I need to stop questioning myself.  I was sure of myself a year ago and I'm sure of myself now. I put my sexuality out of my head into reality. Then I let people get in my head and question myself. The closet was a really shitty place and I'm not going back there. I'm happy guys and I want to stay that way.

It almost feels as if nothings changed at all

It has been a really weird semester so far. I am actually enjoying all of my classes which is really different for me. I've been thinking a lot about my future and what that entails for me. It is really hard to look into the future when you really have no sense of vision. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and now I've come to the end...of my college career. Not my life...I'm still kick'n.

When you are a (double) senior in college everyone expects you to have it figured out. They think you should know exactly what you are going to do because you have been learning how to do it. Does that sentence make any sense? Whatevs. The point is that you are supposed to know your shit. I don't know my shit. My shit is very unknown to me. That's scary.

I mean I have some backup plans but that will just be delaying the inevitable. I am stuck in the same rut that I have been stuck in for four years. The only problem is that my time here is up and I have to make a decision. I can't even make my meal plan last for the entire week. How am I supposed to plan out the rest of my life?  I guess that's the point right? At some point you just have to move on and jump in. You have got to do what scares you. I've gotta be honest here people I'm terrified. It feels like I'm about to dive into the ocean and I don't even know how to swim.

10 things you don't care to know about Brandon

1. I totally thought I invented the word "should" for like two seconds. I thought it was a moment of creative genius.

2. I thought Cartwheel was a cool name for a child when I was in middle school.

3. I can't tell the difference between sour and bitter.

4. I almost cried during the series finale of ICarly. SHE WENT TO ITALY AND LEFT US BEHIND!!!

5. I did cry during an episode of Ally McBeal.

6. I think dog food smells delicious.

7. I watched Power Rangers until I was 14.

8. I fell asleep in the woods once, I used poison Ivy as my pillow.

9. I secretly think Lindsay Lohan is going to have an epic comeback.

10. I might have watched Designing Women everyday for like 3 years.

Life without a smart phone (first world problems)

Well peeps the inevitable finally happened...my phone got shut off. I knew it was coming. Mike closed the line down a month ago, but I wasn't in a rush to get a new phone because....well I really don't know why. The real problem is that my iphone is dead, like dead dead. So now my entertainment factor has spiraled down to nothing. These are some of the thoughts that have passed through my head over the last few days.

What time is it?

What time is it?

I could win this argument if I had the internet.

I have to go to the restroom what am I going to do?!

What time is it?

I wonder who that actor is, they look so familiar?

I'm bored.

I could check Facebook but my computer is waaaayyy upstairs.

What time is it?

Really though who the fuck is that actor?

I could show you I'm RIGHT IF I HAD MY DAMN PHONE!!!!!

AFFADSJFasd:FJASdFASDfjasdlkjf

I need to buy a clock.

The back of this shampoo bottle looks really interesting. Hmmmm they removed the lather, rinse repeat.

Do I even remember how to check my email on the computer?

Tumblr password....shit

gmail password....shit

Just give me your phone, I WILL prove you wrong....please

I've never actually read the terms and conditions sheet on my bedside table...looks kind of interesting

Will someone please look up that fucking actor?

It's late and I should go to sleep, but what will I do for an hour before I actually fall asleep

Oh you are just going to run inside, I'll just wait here....alone

Fuck this, I'm getting a watch.

The epitome of the first world problem is not having a cell phone. I promise. You don't know what you've got till it's gone has never been more accurate. I wish I wasn't so reliant on technology. This has been a Brandon complains a lot post. The truth is that I have been a little dry on blogging material lately. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Come back soonish...maybe...

A Year

It has been a little over a year since I started this blog. I have to be honest and say that I had no idea what I was doing at first. I was bored, lonely, sad and felt that my summer and my life was just passing by. That's the problem with summers, they are speedy. Actually, that's the problem with life. It rushes past without warning and then you're 23 and on the fast track to who-knows-where.

I always wanted a place to document what I was feeling and I always felt like I had something important to say. What most people don't know is that my head is a jumbled mess. I don't think I am unique in that aspect, everybody has their problems. It gets pretty crazy in there sometimes. I spend a lot of time inside my head and sometimes it feels like too much. That was the real purpose behind the blog, to put all of the stuff that runs through my head out there. This was an outlet for people to see the real me, and I think I accomplished that.

In December this blog helped me with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The decision to reveal my true self to people was hastily made. The way I wanted to do it was not. I was stumbling through the internet and I found a (I guess you could call it life changing) post. A guy had came out on Facebook and linked to his personal blog to prove he wasn't hacked.  It was in that moment that I decided if I ever came out I would use a personal blog to do it.

It seemed like the perfect solution. I could explain myself to everyone at once! It allowed me to tell people without experiencing their immediate reactions. It made it easier. To some my blog post was a thing of bravery but to me it was written out of cowardice. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? No. The result was more support than I could have ever imagined and I think my life is better because of it.

My blog is extremely personal...obviously. I put things there that I would never say out loud. I wrote a letter to my sister that has no business being on the internet. I put it there because it was in my head and I needed to get it out. I have put my thoughts on love, my fears, my dreams, my goals, I have put everything on my blog. I don't know the point of this post, and it has no particular meaning. I just feel like a year is a long time to consistently update something. Anyone who knows me personally knows I have a hard time with commitment. I'm kind of proud that my desire to write is still here.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It is 3:30 a.m. on the Wednesday of most of my friends final week of college. My,my,my how the time flies. Three whole days until they begin their lives as functioning members of society. Three days until they go out and change lives, or the world for that matter. Three days until the greatness that I know, the greatness that I get to experience everyday is going to be experienced by a whole group of new people who have no idea what they are in for.

It's funny,  one day you are helping someone you barely know raise their bed for the first time and suddenly it's four days until graduation and you can't imagine your life without them.It's funny how the quiet kid who plays video games becomes one of the most stable people in your life for four years. It's funny how the competition becomes one of your closest friends and takes you on a journey that completely changes you as a person. It's funny how the girl in pink who you were never officially introduced to becomes someone who you spend countless hours with, someone who goes out of their way to make you a better person. It's funny how the girl from desk staff becomes one of your closest friends without either of you ever really noticing. . It's funny how these people become part of you, and how they don't know that when they leave they are taking little pieces of you with them.

I knew that when they left I was going to be sad. I knew that I made some friends that I intend to keep forever. What I didn't know was that I was going to meet some of the greatest people I will ever know here. I didn't know that I could be lucky enough to have this many real friendships in my life. I didn't know that when I made one of the most of the difficult decisions in my life that these people would rally around me. I didn't know that people like me got to spend precious time with the "game changers" of the world. If you are wondering how I know these people are game changers, the answer is kind of simple. When these people change other people's lives the way they changed mine, it will get noticed. I just hope people don't take them for granted the way I have, that would be a damn shame.

10 things I miss

I'm sitting at night desk and I got the urge to blog. I always have my blog open just in case I really feel the need to write. This is one of those instances. I was wading through my dashboard on tumblr and I stumbled across a text post that influenced this blog. I don't remember exactly what the text post said, but I just felt the need to write. So here it is, ten things I miss.

1. I miss how everything used to seem so complicated but it really wasn't.
2. I miss my old friends, the ones that I thought would last and didn't.
3. I miss my mom, I miss her a lot these days.
4. I miss when the weekends were fun, now it seems like they are just a countdown to the next Monday.
5. I miss when school was easy and I didn't really need to try.
6. I miss a time when telling the truth was easier than lying.
7. I miss kid fights with my family members, not the heartbreaking fights we have these days.
8. I miss when my only care in the world was what was for lunch that day.
9. I miss riding my bike to the park on a summer day.
10. I miss a time where I didn't need medication to be happy.

Sorry if this post is a little depressing, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Just to be clear, when I say medication I mean anti-depressants not like drugs. I hate nostalgia these days, I hate nostalgia most days. It glorifies a past that probably wasn't that great. We all know living in the past is not good, and that memories are subject to years of misinformation. It just seems like the past was a better time. I'm sure there will eventually be a time where I miss right now. Life isn't terrible right now, it's actually pretty good.

I chose the labyrinth

Hey Guys,

I stumbled across an old post I started to write and I decided to finish it.

So I was reading this book called Looking for Alaska and I felt inspired to blog. I'm thinking about doing a book review on my other blog but that's not what I'm going to do here. There is a line that I want to reflect on. "After all this time, it seems like straight and fast is the only way out but I choose the labyrinth."

I am not sure why but for some reason this line really stands out to me. The labyrinth is our pain and suffering. Sometimes it feels like we are trapped in maze of sorrow and despair. Constantly struggling to find our way to a better, happier existence. The walls are tall and the path is dark, but we have to navigate the labyrinth because we are human.

It seems like straight and fast are the only way out. When you look back, that seems like the easiest answer. Why waste all of this time wandering, struggling, suffering when you can get out quick.(SIDE NOTE: I think this comes off as a bit suicidal, that's definitely not what I was going for. This is where the post ended and now I am going to finish it.)  I definitely think this quote can apply to anything in life. It always seems easiest to take the shortcuts, because that is how we are conditioned. We are bombarded with messages telling us that we need to accomplish everything as fast as possible with a minimal amount of effort.

I tend to think that there is something really rewarding about choosing the labyrinth. You find your way through the twist and turns and eventually you come out a better person. You may be exhausted, tired, and fraught but you made it. If you don't make it out, if you find yourself wandering endlessly,  at least you didn't take the easy way out. That puts you a cut above the rest and maybe you will discover your path. The labyrinth is a dark and scary place but that is what makes it worth taking.

Goal Post-Life

Hello there!

Sorry for the hiatus everyone! There has been tons-o-stress in my life recently and I haven't had the time to blog. Well...I have had the time to blog, I just wasn't feeling it. Times they are a changin' and I finally decided to pick up the pen (or open the laptop or whatever).

It's spring break (yay) and I have been contemplating the current status of my life. Let's be frank, it's a shit show! I know how popular the whole list format is so I'll break it down for ya.

1. I have no job.
2. I have no money.
3. My GPA is VERY sub par.
4. I keep racking up health problems because of my still ballooning weight gain.
5. Over stress

The list goes on and on. I've spent the majority of my break trying to come up with some solutions to my problems. You know what I've come up with? Squat. Fear not, my less than enthused readership because I have a plan. I'm thinking the only way I'm going to see long-term results is with a steady amount of short-term goals. Are we seeing a solution here? I hope so!

This is what I'm thinking. I am going to tackle these problems one short term goal at a time. The job/money problems aren't particularly fixable right now but everything else definitely is. I'm also going to try to start posting more regularly. I love to write and apparently writing gets better with practice.  So here it is, my list of short term goals for the coming week.

Goal 1: 2 homework sessions (by myself or in a group)

Goal 2: Limit myself to 2 sodas per day.

Goal 3: Identify some major causes of stress in my life

Goal 4: Continue looking for a job

I know it doesn't seem like much, but I am going to try very hard to stick to these short-term goals. I hope my distaste for failure will see me through. I'm sorry this post is extremely boring and I hope to come up with some more entertaining material soon. Until that time, this is what you are stuck with.