Ranty Rant-friendship

Hello Everyone,

I'm sorry I don't update as much. I know you have all been waiting eagerly for my next amazing blog post, but I fear I must let you down. (please note the sarcasm, I'm extremely dull and not quite that douchey...yet) I really don't have anything to write about. I have been feeling a little angsty lately and I wasn't sure if I wanted to load my blog up with all of my emotional baggage. Then I realized that is the reason I made this blog. I wanted a place to keep my thoughts. I'm going to start a new segment called "ranty rant." I'm going to rant about what I'm feeling at the moment. I know what you are thinking, and this will probably be the same kind of over-the-top, sentimental crap I usually write. It might be long, so I completely understand if it doesn't get read. If you are into  Degrassi/Disney Channel Original Movie, self-indulgent, melodrama then this is the post  for you.

I have a lot of things I want to chat about. I'm not (contrary to other post) going to rant about how I am a terrible friend. People seem to accept me for who I am, and while it is weird, I know that some people like me. I am going to rant/chat about friendship in general. This topic comes up a lot with my various friend circles and it deserves a blog post.

Best Friend-

I'm starting to hate the term best friend. It's just like love, in that it is used to put a deeper meaning into a specific relationship. I'm claiming a few best friends at the moment. An old friend and I claim "best friends," we have been through a lot together and she even wants me to be in her wedding. I have a different "best friend" that I am also super close to, but we keep having friend drama.I have a best friend that I have known since I was in the 8th grade, she is someone that I can talk to at any time and she is always there to listen. I now have a new bffl and a new best friend. The problem with this whole situation is that they are all important to me in different capacities. I can't in good conscience use the term "best" because that signifies that there is only one. I would use the term "good friends," but most of my friends are good friends. I don't know why I feel the need to throw my friends into different categories. Shouldn't they all be equal? I like to have meaningful connections with all of my friends, so I'm not quite sure when they move into the "best friend" zone. Why do they have to? Friendship is fluid right? You can be super close to someone one day and then BAM you don't talk anymore. If you throw that label on your friendship, it doesn't make it any more solid. People have ex-best friends.  Is losing a best friend more tragic than losing a regular friend? Shouldn't losing any friend feel awful, or is that just how I feel? This term over complicates something that shouldn't be that complicated. If your my friend then I care about you and you (hopefully) care about me. I may be closer to some, but it's all the same.

Trust-

Trust is weird. I used to be a very trusting individual and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. Now I think I've become more closed-off, more... secretive. I always tell people that I don't have any secrets, but everyone has secrets right? Everyone has something that they don't just tell anyone, right? It's hard to give something like that to someone, because if they slip then that's it. It's like giving your kryptonite to Lex Luthor, it'd be real (not fake) dumb. I have friends that really let me in to their lives and tell me things that are real and important, and I have friends who keep their thoughts locked up like Fort Knox. I feel closer to the people who let me in, because I value trust. I really find it amazing that someone trusts me with their kryptonite. Friendships are very important to me and I would never do anything to sabotage them, but I could and these people trust that I won't. I think there is something special in that. That's when I know a friendship is real, when I can tell them my secrets and they'll keep them. I won't tell them because I need to, I'll tell them because I want to. 

Growing Apart-

I don't really know where I'm going with this one so bear with me. I've grown apart from a lot of friends in my life. Growing apart and choosing to stop communicating with someone are different things in my mind. I don't think I've actually cut off very many friends. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I should to keep in contact with some people, but I don't care about them any less. Life just happens, ya know. Life doesn't stop when people leave, even though sometimes it feels like it should. It physically hurts to think about it sometimes. You connect with these people and give them pieces of you. Then they are gone, or they are there but they might as well be gone. We are content to let important people walk out of our lives. The worst is when it can't be helped. No matter how hard you try, the spark, the thing that made you friends is just...gone. If you are lucky you can get it back, if you are  lucky you can have a semblance of the friendship you used to have, if you're lucky the friendship never fades. Unfortunately most of us aren't that lucky and that sucks. I suppose part of being human is dealing with loss, separation, distance. I just wish it was easier sometimes.

Closing Thoughts-

Some of you may think I put too much stock in my friendship. I mean, people get married and then their friends fade into the distance, right? I don't believe in love, we've been over it. I love my family, but I don't know how people "fall" in love. I think I love some of my friends though. I think that feeling I get when I'm having a blast with my friends, when I'm sharing my life, when I'm being a total douchebag and they still like me afterword. That could be love. If that's love I could see why people chase after it. Why they spend their whole lives searching for it. Those moments with my friends are what I live for and I wouldn't want a life without them. That's why I cherish every friendship, because whether they are making me sad or happy they are making me something.

Love

Love! Love? Love...I might cause a little bit of controversy here. I don't think true love exist. People find it shocking when I tell them. I believe you can care very deeply for someone, but I don't know if love is real.  I definitely don't believe in cosmic, out of this world, destined love. How can you be destined to be with one person, when there are seven billion people on the planet?

I thought I was in love once, I really did. I mean I told myself I was in love, because I thought this is what love is supposed to feel like. I cared about her. I wanted to be around her. I never wanted to hurt her.  The problem was, I never had any intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I never wanted forever. She did and I was content with breaking her heart. That wasn't love, it can't be that easy to leave someone you "love."

People love their parents and people love their children. I love my family. That's different. They are apart of you and you can never be connected to anyone the way you are connected to them.You are apart of them and they are apart of you. It's supposed to be unconditional, but it isn't really. You could say it is, but that's not right. There is always a breaking point, always.

I guess I'm so jaded, so...bitter about the whole love concept because it's never been real to me. I think of love as a term people use to give deeper meaning to their relationships. I guess that's the definition of love, strong affection and personal attachment and whatnot. I care deeply about my family and friends and would be devastated if anything happened to any of them, but how does one go from just caring about someone to loving them? Because if loving someone is simply caring about them, then I love everyone.

I generally care about people...even strangers. I like to joke that I am some heartless asshole, but that's not really me. I just want the best for people, I just want them to be happy. Does that mean I love them? Everyone? I don't think so. Love is supposed to be something you earn, you "fall" into.  That's why I don't believe in love, because I don't understand it. How can you care about everyone, but only love some people? Aren't they one-in-the-same? If I ever fall in love I guess I'll know. I guess I'll have some cosmic revelation/epiphany and I'll think "WOW! THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS!!!" I don't think that will happen. I'll just live life without love and that will be okay.

p.s. I didn't even write about greeting card companies, that would take up a whole blog post of its own.