I think it's kind of universally agreed that every parent has a favorite child. I really don't think it is anything personal or malicious. The excuse I heard a lot is that I just didn't need as much. Which is fine, right? A child can totally comprehend that they are just better at being alone than a sibling. That's totally a thing a fourteen-year-old boy is capable of processing. I'm here to tell you from personal experience that telling a young person that shit doesn't make them feel better. Nope, what actually happens is they develop a sense of inadequacy that will last their entire lives. Probably manifesting itself into quirky little problems like severe depression and a binge eating disorder. Cool.
There is, however, one unexpected benefit of being the first loser. I literally never feel good enough. Sounds like a bad thing, doesn't it? It kind of is, but it gives me drive. It fuels this excessive, manic behavior that some may view as unhealthy . I remember in middle school I tried to play every sport imaginable (lol) so my mom would come to the games. I wasn't great at sports (the fatness) so I started focusing on academics. I had choir concerts and spell bowl (I can still spell cumulonimbus without spell check but not much else) and I submitted a poem to a contest and won an award. It was all great, but never quite as exciting as that time my sister wanted to be a cheerleader...
It kept going long after my mom was gone. While in college I joined every club imaginable. My grades were falling but it's okay because I had so many meetings. I was always seeking validation for how hard I was working. I wanted to be a part of every club, but I was never ambitious enough to really excel at anything. I still always thought I should be doing more, even though my mental health was literally falling apart.
A couple of years ago I started going to the gym. I could literally look like a Hemsworth and I still wouldn't feel good enough. A combination of body dysmorphia and feelings of inadequacy can do a lot to a person. I was working out 7 days a week for 2-4 hours at a time and still felt like I wasn't doing enough. It always felt like there were people that were trying harder than I was and I needed to try the hardest. It is not even necessarily that I wanted to be the best. I feel like I can't be the best. I just have some unknown need for everyone to know how hard I'm working.
I've been fighting a back injury for a year and I got laid off from work. I'm not asking for sympathy here. My whole job is down and some people have it a lot worse than I do. I just can't explain to you how debilitating it is to not do anything. For someone who measures their worth on the amount of things they are doing at one time, doing nothing is about as low as it gets (even if it is saving lives). I have a need to be working. A need to be grinding. A need to be trying, and it feels like I'm not trying.
As I'm writing this, I'm trying to find the point. These blogs are about self-reflection more than anything. I can't work out even though I desperately want to and I can't work even though I need to.The good thing is I still want to. I guess I need to realize that It's not what you are doing but why you are doing. I may be doing nothing but that IS doing something, and for once in my life that will have to be good enough.
Stay Safe Everyone.
