I Just Am

I was reading a book the other day and I realized something. There was an interesting theory. This theory stated that when we look into the future we only see the positive things. We only see the how great things are going to be. For example, when we think about our birthdays we think that they are going to be amazing. We think this with no basis of what is actually going to happen on our birthday. We do not consider that no one could show up, or that we could be sick, or that something really awful could happen. We just see how amazing things are going to be.

This prompted me to ask my friend where she saw herself in the future. Not any particular time, just the future. She responded that she knows that things will definitely be better than they are now. She also said that she wasn't an optimist, she was a realist. She just knows that this isn't the best that things will be. I told her that I disagree and that conversation went on for a long time. This inevitably led to her asking me where I saw myself in ten years. This is where I encountered my problem. I have no vision of the future. I have no goals.

I realized awhile ago that I don't get excited about things like other people do. I want something and then when I get it, I don't really feel anything. No happiness, no sense of joy, nothing. I just have what I wanted. I'm twenty-five and I just got my driver's license. Do you know what I did after I got something I had been planning on getting for a long time? Something that will literally make my life better. I went to sleep, and then got up and went to work.

I get excited to see people, but I never feel like I'm as excited as I should be. I'm never extremely happy and I haven't been extremely sad in a long time.I feel like a robot. I know that sounds cliche, but hope is what makes us human  right? I'm devolving into some subspecies of human that is nothing but apathy. I don't see a happy future and I don't see a sad future, I just see a future. I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I just am. I just exist. I'm not upset about it, but I feel like I should be.