Goal Post!-Disney

Readers!

Long time no see?...no read?...long time no....whatever. It's been a while. I was struggling with content ideas so I have kind of been neglecting this blog. I think I'm going to start doing "segments" sometimes, which will add a little structure to my blog. I have been focusing on negativity for a while, which makes for a good read I guess, but I just thought of a new "segment" I'm gonna try to write about regularly. It's called goal post and it's about (drum roll please) Goals!

This blog is no stranger to goals. I posted a list of things to do over the summer and I also posted a soda challenge that didn't end so well. But now I going to update my progress (or lackthereof) for the world to see. I hope this helps with my motivation to accomplish these goals and can keep me on track with blog updates. It's like killing two birds with one stone. It should happen e'rry Monday, but who knows (commitment isn't really my thing).

My newest goal is Disney. My friends and I are planning a trip to Disney for Spring Break. It should be loads of fun, but there is a lot of work to be done if it is going to happen. That's why I created goal post, as a way to keep myself accountable and a place to write my "attainable" goals.

Goals:

1. Save $1500
2. Lose 20 pounds
3. Get my GPA up

These goals are rough right! $1500 is gonna be hard, especially when you add in things like phone bills (and my undying love for Chinese food). The 20 pounds thing is a very shallow personal goal, and I hope it works out. The GPA goal is for my job, because if my GPA gets too low, I lose my job and that's very bad for Brandon.

That's it for now. I'll keep the bloggy blog updated so if you want to know how I'm doing, check back here every week or so. Have a happy Monday!

Bad Friend

I talk about failure a lot, it's kind of becoming my thing. My last post about failure was generalized because sometimes I lose focus. I am going to focus now on one thing I am really terrible at, being a good friend.

I used to pride myself on being a good friend, I'm loyal and protective. If I considered someone my friend I would do anything to make sure they were happy, make sure they were okay. I would ask thirty times if they were okay and wouldn't care if I was being annoying. Now I'm different, I'm cold and bitter.

I fight with people...a lot. I don't care if people are angry with me. I thought this was a good thing, and even felt proud that I finally stopped caring. I didn't know that when you stop caring you hurt the people around you. This new selfish approach, this me-first attitude, is me now. I don't know what happened to me but I don't really like it.

The worst part is the drifting. I am content to just let people mozy out of my life willy-nilly.  I don't even try to stop them anymore. It's different when you are in different parts of the state or even in different states, but some of these people live within walking distance. I could see them anytime I want but I don't. We are completely connected to each other by things like Facebook, Twitter and text messaging but they could be dead for all I know.

I've hopped on to new friends, a new life. Some of the old ones have stayed around with no help from me of course. I always say things like "we should hang out more" or "it's not my fault," but it is. I'm not trying hard enough. I can feel them slipping away and I haven't done anything to stop it. I feel so out of place sometimes. I don't know the inside jokes anymore. I wasn't there when the stories happened.  I missed out. The worst feeling is when you feel disconnected with old friends. That's my life, disconnecting and moving on.

That's not what I want. I miss people and I want them to be around. I'm just not enough to do anything about it. I can barely hold myself together, let alone intense and complicated friendships. I guess it comes down to strength and will power. I used to thing I was a strong individual and I could do anything. I don't think that's true anymore.

Life in Review: Thursday Sep, 27 to Sunday Sep. 30

Hey Guys,

It's been awhile and I just wanted to blog a little bit about my life. I want to start with Thursday because that's when things hit overdrive, and I never really took the time to process what happened. I kind of wish I could forget some of it.

Thursday September 27, 2012

Thursday was a pretty good day for a while, I don't really remember too much about it. I was  really busy preparing for the conference and didn't really have time for much. Then I got a message that read:

Hey, so uhh haven't heard from you in a while, and well we're supposed to be trying to be friends, we're supposed to be best friends...I don't think that's true anymore...I think it's worse this year than it was last year.

I want to start by saying that I personally value every friendship I have. I try my hardest to keep them around, people grow apart...it sucks. This friend is an exception. I made a promise that I wouldn't let us grow apart. I told them that I was tired of people walking out of my life and that I wasn't going to let that happen. That conversation happened a very long time ago and I still remember it vividly. I could throw around blame and say it's a two way street, but this friend has been generally making an effort to hang out with me and I failed them big time.

It's hard to realize that you are the one making the mistakes in a friendship. I am no stranger to breaking promises, but this one is different. I try very hard to be a loyal and caring friend and I let this one get away from me. I have let a lot of friendships slip away, but I made a promise. I'm not there for a friend that I generally think needs me. I'm going to try very hard to make things right, but I think it might be too late.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday was the day before the conference and I was a complete mess. I usually don't stress about things but I was stressing on Friday. I honestly don't know what was wrong because I had most of my stuff done. I even won a nook at some point, it should have been a great day. Sometimes the weight of the world falls on your shoulders. Every unhappy moment from this semester was on my mind that day. All the arguments,the guilt, the sadness. It was all there. It was like last semester all over again. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and stay there forever. I had friends that were going through a tough time as well. I had one friend that was looking out for me though, she made me feel better and helped me finish what I needed to do. Thanks to  Ashley Biedakiewicz for helping me out, I really needed it (and sorry I almost broke down in your car).

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Saturday was the conference day and it went really well. I was really happy and energized. It was so weird because normally I'm terrified but everything went great. It's good to know that I can accomplish things on my own and if I do fail, I have amazing friends that are there to pick up the slack. I have an amazing exec. board and some pretty great friends. It would have been hard to experience something that we couldn't handle.

We went to Fairmount that night for their Dean Days Festival. I was exhausted and so were the people I went with. We had all had a very busy day at the conference and just wanted to have some good small town fun. I discovered that Fairmount is kind of creepy, in a good way. It had the small town feel that I am used to and weirdly felt like home. We didn't get to the funnel cake place in time (sad day), but my friend Kim and I split an elephant ear.  I generally don't like them but it was delicious! We saw some old cars and got a tour of the town. There was a sketchy atm and really aggressive carnies. It was a good time.

The interesting part was when we got locked out of Brittany's car. We eventually got in but it was adventure getting to that point. There were police involved, it was intense (it wasn't really intense, i'm just dramatic). Then we had to tie a door closed because there was a problem with the door. We had a good time and made memories that I don't think any of us will forget.

Sunday September 30, 2012

Not much happened Sunday. Brittany's mom made us this really huge breakfast. You don't know how much you miss home cooked meals until you haven't had it in a while. There was also an adorable dog and an adorable toddler. It was a very fun morning and then we drove home. I think we round tabled that night and had a good time.

It was an interesting end of the week that's for sure. The rest of the week has literally just gone downhill. Maybe I'll talk about that in my next post. I'm having a really hard time keeping the people in my life happy. Somewhere along the lines I stopped caring if people were mad at me. I went from trying my hardest to keep people happy to pissing someone off on a daily basis. I'm glad I have somewhere to share my thoughts and feelings because sometimes I just want to write them down. Sometimes I just need to feel like someone's listening.

The world around us changed

Hey Guys,

This blog is going to be a stream of consciousness type thing. I haven't really blogged in a while and I just need to write. I'm at the desk and I am going to write what I think, write what I feel.

I'm not stressed. I should be but I'm not. Things aren't perfect right now, but they are good. People get mad at me, which is...new? People got mad at me before, but now they get really mad at me. I offend people pretty regularly. I don't think I have changed. I don't know if other people have changed. Everything seems exactly the same, but somehow completely different. Don't get me wrong, I love my people. I wouldn't trade them. It's just...sometimes I miss people who are in the same room as me, which is weird.

The new people in my life are pretty great. It hasn't been like this in a long time. I somehow managed to keep my old friends and met a whole bunch of new people. I have learned from past experiences that friend groups like this don't last, but I'm holding out. I don't know why we chose to meet in a random lounge and call it round table. I don't know why it stuck. I definitely don't know if it will last. What I do know is that it's what I needed, and I think other people needed it too. That's got to mean something right?

I have a lot of stressful situations coming up in life. I could let it scare me, could let it make me nervous, could let it wreck me...but I won't. There's too much promise in life to get that wound up about things. I don't want to sound cheesy, but I'm trying to live in the moment. I don't want to care about the trivial things, I just want to be happy. I am happy, and I am going to do everything in my power to keep it that way. Yolo, C'est la vie, Carpe Diem.

 Now that I think about it everything is completely different. I think all of us have changed. It's more than that though, everything changes. We had to change because the world around us changed, and it continues to change. It's different and I think that's a good thing.

We will never forget

I don't even remember the teacher's name. He ran into the room and turned on the t.v. I had no idea what was going on. I remember the chaos. Lots of questions. People crying. It was intense.

9:03...That's when the second plane hit. I am positive I saw it happen, it's a very strong memory. At the same time, we can create memories. Completely fabricate something to make it fit.  Maybe I didn't see the second plane hit, but I feel like I did. Everything else is blurry, the pentagon, flight 93 but that memory is crisp. I can still see it.

I had a an extra ice cream bar at lunch. I figured if I was going to die then might as well enjoy my last day on earth. Yolo. We didn't know if the attacks were over or  when they were going to end. I could have been dead by sundown.

Last period: we had a test. Mean teacher lady wouldn't let us watch the news. We could after we finished our test. I wasn't that upset. The news was scary and sad. Mostly sad.

We had a fundraiser the next day. Pay whatever you want to wear a hat. We raised $1100. That's what happens when everything changes, people band together. When life could crumble around you at any second, you latch onto the people around you. That's what America did. That's what we did.

Everything else is blurry and sad. Hate crimes, accusations, mystery terrorist. It's all a distant memory now. 11 years ago our lives changed forever. There was a sense of vulnerability that hadn't been experienced in a long time. I don't think I will ever forget those feelings, they will always be there.

We walked away

Sooo...I really like the letter format. If I am feeling down or especially "intense" about something, I am going to write a letter. I find it very therapeutic.

I was reading a friends blog post the other day and she mentioned something that is very relevant in my life. She said, "realize that people will walk in and out of your life multiple times." This letter is to no one in particular, don't read too much into it!

Hey,

For whatever reason we don't talk anymore, and it sucks. I don't know what happened and honestly I don't want to place blame. I just want to say that I miss you. We bring people into our lives for a reason, but we walked away.  I enjoyed your company, I really did. I hope you enjoyed mine. I'd like to think I bring positive things to people's lives. There is this whole notion of  "cosmic friendships," you know the ones. They go through the good and bad and still keep strong. Apparently that wasn't us.

I am terrible at keeping in touch. It's one of my  biggest flaws. I was content to just let you leave. I didn't put in the effort to keep us together, but you didn't either. We could have done more, could have made an effort, could have at least tried. Could've, should've, would've...didn't.

My life is good right now. I am happy. I know right, weird. I hope yours is going well. I hope all of your dreams are coming true, and you are truly happy. I hope you don't dwell on the past like I do. Maybe I am just a distant memory, a remnant of time gone by. We had good times, lots of fun and you moved on. Don't get me wrong, I moved on too.

It's just...sometimes I like to revisit those memories. It seems brighter, happier. I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me. Times weren't always good. Maybe, someday I'll look back on today and it will seem brighter...happier.

Maybe I will see you someday. We'll make plans to get lunch or coffee, even though we both have no intentions of following through. It sucks that this is what we have come to. Awkward conversations and fake plans. That's life I suppose.

I really do wish you happiness.

Sincerely,

Brandon

Happiness?!

Hey Guys,

So the first full week of classes is over. That happened.

I have been here since like...the 5th, I know right that's a long  time. I mean in the grand scheme of things it isn't that long, but it seems like a while ya know. Back to the point, after a long summer, my life has finally restarted. I have really enjoyed this year so far. I have met lots of new people and am generally just having a great time.  Do you ever get that feeling that things are changing? Like it's all going to be different somehow?

I don't think it's a secret that I wasn't at my finest last year. I blew it in a big way. I finally feel like things might be okay. If you read a couple of my last post, you know that my personal life is in a state of disaster right now. That's the great thing about college, you can distance yourself.  I can leave the dark and brooding version of myself behind. I can be happy.

I am happy. I don't know if I have been in this place in a long time. I hope it last. If it doesn't, maybe I can look back to this post and feel what I am feeling right now. That's what's great about blogging, I can put what I am feeling onto something. Make it tangible.

I know it's really weird...reading about my happiness. Especially after my last couple of post were sad. There are two types of sadness in my life. The first is the sadness that I channeled into those post, the temporary sadness. The other kind is darker, more intense. It feels like it's draining you and you can do nothing to stop it. Getting out of bed is a chore and functioning normally is impossible. That's the kind of sadness you need medicine to take care of. That's the kind of sadness I don't feel anymore.

I am happy. I can feel sad and it doesn't destroy me. I can write personal letters to my sister and have fun in the same day. They don't interact. It's good to be normal, and great to be happy.