Bad Friend

I talk about failure a lot, it's kind of becoming my thing. My last post about failure was generalized because sometimes I lose focus. I am going to focus now on one thing I am really terrible at, being a good friend.

I used to pride myself on being a good friend, I'm loyal and protective. If I considered someone my friend I would do anything to make sure they were happy, make sure they were okay. I would ask thirty times if they were okay and wouldn't care if I was being annoying. Now I'm different, I'm cold and bitter.

I fight with people...a lot. I don't care if people are angry with me. I thought this was a good thing, and even felt proud that I finally stopped caring. I didn't know that when you stop caring you hurt the people around you. This new selfish approach, this me-first attitude, is me now. I don't know what happened to me but I don't really like it.

The worst part is the drifting. I am content to just let people mozy out of my life willy-nilly.  I don't even try to stop them anymore. It's different when you are in different parts of the state or even in different states, but some of these people live within walking distance. I could see them anytime I want but I don't. We are completely connected to each other by things like Facebook, Twitter and text messaging but they could be dead for all I know.

I've hopped on to new friends, a new life. Some of the old ones have stayed around with no help from me of course. I always say things like "we should hang out more" or "it's not my fault," but it is. I'm not trying hard enough. I can feel them slipping away and I haven't done anything to stop it. I feel so out of place sometimes. I don't know the inside jokes anymore. I wasn't there when the stories happened.  I missed out. The worst feeling is when you feel disconnected with old friends. That's my life, disconnecting and moving on.

That's not what I want. I miss people and I want them to be around. I'm just not enough to do anything about it. I can barely hold myself together, let alone intense and complicated friendships. I guess it comes down to strength and will power. I used to thing I was a strong individual and I could do anything. I don't think that's true anymore.