I'm sitting at night desk and I got the urge to blog. I always have my blog open just in case I really feel the need to write. This is one of those instances. I was wading through my dashboard on tumblr and I stumbled across a text post that influenced this blog. I don't remember exactly what the text post said, but I just felt the need to write. So here it is, ten things I miss.
1. I miss how everything used to seem so complicated but it really wasn't.
2. I miss my old friends, the ones that I thought would last and didn't.
3. I miss my mom, I miss her a lot these days.
4. I miss when the weekends were fun, now it seems like they are just a countdown to the next Monday.
5. I miss when school was easy and I didn't really need to try.
6. I miss a time when telling the truth was easier than lying.
7. I miss kid fights with my family members, not the heartbreaking fights we have these days.
8. I miss when my only care in the world was what was for lunch that day.
9. I miss riding my bike to the park on a summer day.
10. I miss a time where I didn't need medication to be happy.
Sorry if this post is a little depressing, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Just to be clear, when I say medication I mean anti-depressants not like drugs. I hate nostalgia these days, I hate nostalgia most days. It glorifies a past that probably wasn't that great. We all know living in the past is not good, and that memories are subject to years of misinformation. It just seems like the past was a better time. I'm sure there will eventually be a time where I miss right now. Life isn't terrible right now, it's actually pretty good.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I chose the labyrinth
Hey Guys,
I stumbled across an old post I started to write and I decided to finish it.
So I was reading this book called Looking for Alaska and I felt inspired to blog. I'm thinking about doing a book review on my other blog but that's not what I'm going to do here. There is a line that I want to reflect on. "After all this time, it seems like straight and fast is the only way out but I choose the labyrinth."
I am not sure why but for some reason this line really stands out to me. The labyrinth is our pain and suffering. Sometimes it feels like we are trapped in maze of sorrow and despair. Constantly struggling to find our way to a better, happier existence. The walls are tall and the path is dark, but we have to navigate the labyrinth because we are human.
It seems like straight and fast are the only way out. When you look back, that seems like the easiest answer. Why waste all of this time wandering, struggling, suffering when you can get out quick.(SIDE NOTE: I think this comes off as a bit suicidal, that's definitely not what I was going for. This is where the post ended and now I am going to finish it.) I definitely think this quote can apply to anything in life. It always seems easiest to take the shortcuts, because that is how we are conditioned. We are bombarded with messages telling us that we need to accomplish everything as fast as possible with a minimal amount of effort.
I tend to think that there is something really rewarding about choosing the labyrinth. You find your way through the twist and turns and eventually you come out a better person. You may be exhausted, tired, and fraught but you made it. If you don't make it out, if you find yourself wandering endlessly, at least you didn't take the easy way out. That puts you a cut above the rest and maybe you will discover your path. The labyrinth is a dark and scary place but that is what makes it worth taking.
I stumbled across an old post I started to write and I decided to finish it.
So I was reading this book called Looking for Alaska and I felt inspired to blog. I'm thinking about doing a book review on my other blog but that's not what I'm going to do here. There is a line that I want to reflect on. "After all this time, it seems like straight and fast is the only way out but I choose the labyrinth."
I am not sure why but for some reason this line really stands out to me. The labyrinth is our pain and suffering. Sometimes it feels like we are trapped in maze of sorrow and despair. Constantly struggling to find our way to a better, happier existence. The walls are tall and the path is dark, but we have to navigate the labyrinth because we are human.
It seems like straight and fast are the only way out. When you look back, that seems like the easiest answer. Why waste all of this time wandering, struggling, suffering when you can get out quick.(SIDE NOTE: I think this comes off as a bit suicidal, that's definitely not what I was going for. This is where the post ended and now I am going to finish it.) I definitely think this quote can apply to anything in life. It always seems easiest to take the shortcuts, because that is how we are conditioned. We are bombarded with messages telling us that we need to accomplish everything as fast as possible with a minimal amount of effort.
I tend to think that there is something really rewarding about choosing the labyrinth. You find your way through the twist and turns and eventually you come out a better person. You may be exhausted, tired, and fraught but you made it. If you don't make it out, if you find yourself wandering endlessly, at least you didn't take the easy way out. That puts you a cut above the rest and maybe you will discover your path. The labyrinth is a dark and scary place but that is what makes it worth taking.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Goal Post-Life
Hello there!
Sorry for the hiatus everyone! There has been tons-o-stress in my life recently and I haven't had the time to blog. Well...I have had the time to blog, I just wasn't feeling it. Times they are a changin' and I finally decided to pick up the pen (or open the laptop or whatever).
It's spring break (yay) and I have been contemplating the current status of my life. Let's be frank, it's a shit show! I know how popular the whole list format is so I'll break it down for ya.
Sorry for the hiatus everyone! There has been tons-o-stress in my life recently and I haven't had the time to blog. Well...I have had the time to blog, I just wasn't feeling it. Times they are a changin' and I finally decided to pick up the pen (or open the laptop or whatever).
It's spring break (yay) and I have been contemplating the current status of my life. Let's be frank, it's a shit show! I know how popular the whole list format is so I'll break it down for ya.
- I have no job.
- I have no money.
- My GPA is VERY sub par.
- I keep racking up health problems because of my still ballooning weight gain.
- Over stress
The list goes on and on. I've spent the majority of my break trying to come up with some solutions to my problems. You know what I've come up with? Squat. Fear not, my less than enthused readership because I have a plan. I'm thinking the only way I'm going to see long-term results is with a steady amount of short-term goals. Are we seeing a solution here? I hope so!
This is what I'm thinking. I am going to tackle these problems one short term goal at a time. The job/money problems aren't particularly fixable right now but everything else definitely is. I'm also going to try to start posting more regularly. I love to write and apparently writing gets better with practice. So here it is, my list of short term goals for the coming week.
Goal 1: 2 homework sessions (by myself or in a group)
Goal 2: Limit myself to 2 sodas per day.
Goal 3: Identify some major causes of stress in my life
Goal 4: Continue looking for a job
I know it doesn't seem like much, but I am going to try very hard to stick to these short-term goals. I hope my distaste for failure will see me through. I'm sorry this post is extremely boring and I hope to come up with some more entertaining material soon. Until that time, this is what you are stuck with.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Coming out
Well here it is the big reveal. Surprise! I really don’t know how to write this post.
It’s hard, ya know? Revealing your innermost darkest secret to the world is
extremely….daunting. I've told some of my family and some friends and now I’m
telling you, everyone else.
My sexuality has always been….questionable. I am a feminine
man and I do feminine things. I love chick flicks and gossiping is one of my
favorite pastimes. Everyone always
assumed and I always denied it. Well it’s
time to face facts kiddos, I am in fact gay. Shocking right?
I know you are probably thinking that I should have done
this in a more personal way. Some of you may wonder why I posted this on the
web for the world to see. I can’t
explain it. I just need people to know, need them to see me for who I really
am. I need to know who I really am, because honestly I don’t even feel like me
sometimes. I feel weighed down and heavy.
I hated myself for a
long time. Why? I honestly don’t know. I know it was stupid to feel that angry
toward myself. There was nothing to be ashamed about, no reason to hate myself
so much. I always supported the LGBT
community, I wasn't homophobic. There was no hatred toward anyone but me. I
can’t really say why I hated me, but I know it hurt. It still does. I've dealt
with a lot of crap in my life. This is different, this is hiding something
away, lying to my friends, family, even myself sometimes.
I pretended to be straight. Lived in a fantasy world where I
liked girls because that is what I was supposed to like. I could never love
anyone. How can you love someone else
when you hate yourself? I’m terrified of
being me partially because I don’t really know who I am. I made up things, what
kind of girls I liked; I fabricated feelings for people just to throw off all
of the suspicious people. I've hurt people just to keep me in the clear.
I became a very good liar. I had to; there was no other way
to keep my secret safe. I think that’s what feels the worst. I lied to the
people I care about; I looked them in the eyes and denied the truth. For what
reason? My friends will accept me for who I am. I should never have made up
this lie to begin with. It quickly spun into a vicious web. Some of you have only
known me for a few months and I feel bad for lying to you, I really do. Then
there are those that have known me for years, the ones that I “shared” my life
with, the ones that are supposed to know the real me, the ones who are like
family. I am truly sorry that I couldn't tell you the truth. You have to
understand that I secretly wanted to. I really did.
I wrote this post over break because it is easier that way.
I can stay here hidden in the safety of my house for a couple of weeks. I don’t
have to tell people awkwardly and see their expressions. That was the weirdest part
about telling my family, waiting for a response. I’m sorry for being a coward,
but I have to do this. I’m tired of being dishonest and I am tired of denying
who I am. My cousin said something the
other day that kind of influenced this whole post. He told me that even though
I am gay, he would never treat me any differently. That is what real friendship
should be like. So if I disappointed you or changed your perception of me, I am
sorry. This is who I am and it is time I finally accepted it.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Ranty Rant-friendship
Hello Everyone,
I'm sorry I don't update as much. I know you have all been waiting eagerly for my next amazing blog post, but I fear I must let you down. (please note the sarcasm, I'm extremely dull and not quite that douchey...yet) I really don't have anything to write about. I have been feeling a little angsty lately and I wasn't sure if I wanted to load my blog up with all of my emotional baggage. Then I realized that is the reason I made this blog. I wanted a place to keep my thoughts. I'm going to start a new segment called "ranty rant." I'm going to rant about what I'm feeling at the moment. I know what you are thinking, and this will probably be the same kind of over-the-top, sentimental crap I usually write. It might be long, so I completely understand if it doesn't get read. If you are into Degrassi/Disney Channel Original Movie, self-indulgent, melodrama then this is the post for you.
I have a lot of things I want to chat about. I'm not (contrary to other post) going to rant about how I am a terrible friend. People seem to accept me for who I am, and while it is weird, I know that some people like me. I am going to rant/chat about friendship in general. This topic comes up a lot with my various friend circles and it deserves a blog post.
Best Friend-
I'm starting to hate the term best friend. It's just like love, in that it is used to put a deeper meaning into a specific relationship. I'm claiming a few best friends at the moment. An old friend and I claim "best friends," we have been through a lot together and she even wants me to be in her wedding. I have a different "best friend" that I am also super close to, but we keep having friend drama.I have a best friend that I have known since I was in the 8th grade, she is someone that I can talk to at any time and she is always there to listen. I now have a new bffl and a new best friend. The problem with this whole situation is that they are all important to me in different capacities. I can't in good conscience use the term "best" because that signifies that there is only one. I would use the term "good friends," but most of my friends are good friends. I don't know why I feel the need to throw my friends into different categories. Shouldn't they all be equal? I like to have meaningful connections with all of my friends, so I'm not quite sure when they move into the "best friend" zone. Why do they have to? Friendship is fluid right? You can be super close to someone one day and then BAM you don't talk anymore. If you throw that label on your friendship, it doesn't make it any more solid. People have ex-best friends. Is losing a best friend more tragic than losing a regular friend? Shouldn't losing any friend feel awful, or is that just how I feel? This term over complicates something that shouldn't be that complicated. If your my friend then I care about you and you (hopefully) care about me. I may be closer to some, but it's all the same.
Trust-
Trust is weird. I used to be a very trusting individual and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. Now I think I've become more closed-off, more... secretive. I always tell people that I don't have any secrets, but everyone has secrets right? Everyone has something that they don't just tell anyone, right? It's hard to give something like that to someone, because if they slip then that's it. It's like giving your kryptonite to Lex Luthor, it'd be real (not fake) dumb. I have friends that really let me in to their lives and tell me things that are real and important, and I have friends who keep their thoughts locked up like Fort Knox. I feel closer to the people who let me in, because I value trust. I really find it amazing that someone trusts me with their kryptonite. Friendships are very important to me and I would never do anything to sabotage them, but I could and these people trust that I won't. I think there is something special in that. That's when I know a friendship is real, when I can tell them my secrets and they'll keep them. I won't tell them because I need to, I'll tell them because I want to.
Growing Apart-
I don't really know where I'm going with this one so bear with me. I've grown apart from a lot of friends in my life. Growing apart and choosing to stop communicating with someone are different things in my mind. I don't think I've actually cut off very many friends. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I should to keep in contact with some people, but I don't care about them any less. Life just happens, ya know. Life doesn't stop when people leave, even though sometimes it feels like it should. It physically hurts to think about it sometimes. You connect with these people and give them pieces of you. Then they are gone, or they are there but they might as well be gone. We are content to let important people walk out of our lives. The worst is when it can't be helped. No matter how hard you try, the spark, the thing that made you friends is just...gone. If you are lucky you can get it back, if you are lucky you can have a semblance of the friendship you used to have, if you're lucky the friendship never fades. Unfortunately most of us aren't that lucky and that sucks. I suppose part of being human is dealing with loss, separation, distance. I just wish it was easier sometimes.
Closing Thoughts-
Some of you may think I put too much stock in my friendship. I mean, people get married and then their friends fade into the distance, right? I don't believe in love, we've been over it. I love my family, but I don't know how people "fall" in love. I think I love some of my friends though. I think that feeling I get when I'm having a blast with my friends, when I'm sharing my life, when I'm being a total douchebag and they still like me afterword. That could be love. If that's love I could see why people chase after it. Why they spend their whole lives searching for it. Those moments with my friends are what I live for and I wouldn't want a life without them. That's why I cherish every friendship, because whether they are making me sad or happy they are making me something.
I'm sorry I don't update as much. I know you have all been waiting eagerly for my next amazing blog post, but I fear I must let you down. (please note the sarcasm, I'm extremely dull and not quite that douchey...yet) I really don't have anything to write about. I have been feeling a little angsty lately and I wasn't sure if I wanted to load my blog up with all of my emotional baggage. Then I realized that is the reason I made this blog. I wanted a place to keep my thoughts. I'm going to start a new segment called "ranty rant." I'm going to rant about what I'm feeling at the moment. I know what you are thinking, and this will probably be the same kind of over-the-top, sentimental crap I usually write. It might be long, so I completely understand if it doesn't get read. If you are into Degrassi/Disney Channel Original Movie, self-indulgent, melodrama then this is the post for you.
I have a lot of things I want to chat about. I'm not (contrary to other post) going to rant about how I am a terrible friend. People seem to accept me for who I am, and while it is weird, I know that some people like me. I am going to rant/chat about friendship in general. This topic comes up a lot with my various friend circles and it deserves a blog post.
Best Friend-
I'm starting to hate the term best friend. It's just like love, in that it is used to put a deeper meaning into a specific relationship. I'm claiming a few best friends at the moment. An old friend and I claim "best friends," we have been through a lot together and she even wants me to be in her wedding. I have a different "best friend" that I am also super close to, but we keep having friend drama.I have a best friend that I have known since I was in the 8th grade, she is someone that I can talk to at any time and she is always there to listen. I now have a new bffl and a new best friend. The problem with this whole situation is that they are all important to me in different capacities. I can't in good conscience use the term "best" because that signifies that there is only one. I would use the term "good friends," but most of my friends are good friends. I don't know why I feel the need to throw my friends into different categories. Shouldn't they all be equal? I like to have meaningful connections with all of my friends, so I'm not quite sure when they move into the "best friend" zone. Why do they have to? Friendship is fluid right? You can be super close to someone one day and then BAM you don't talk anymore. If you throw that label on your friendship, it doesn't make it any more solid. People have ex-best friends. Is losing a best friend more tragic than losing a regular friend? Shouldn't losing any friend feel awful, or is that just how I feel? This term over complicates something that shouldn't be that complicated. If your my friend then I care about you and you (hopefully) care about me. I may be closer to some, but it's all the same.
Trust-
Trust is weird. I used to be a very trusting individual and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. Now I think I've become more closed-off, more... secretive. I always tell people that I don't have any secrets, but everyone has secrets right? Everyone has something that they don't just tell anyone, right? It's hard to give something like that to someone, because if they slip then that's it. It's like giving your kryptonite to Lex Luthor, it'd be real (not fake) dumb. I have friends that really let me in to their lives and tell me things that are real and important, and I have friends who keep their thoughts locked up like Fort Knox. I feel closer to the people who let me in, because I value trust. I really find it amazing that someone trusts me with their kryptonite. Friendships are very important to me and I would never do anything to sabotage them, but I could and these people trust that I won't. I think there is something special in that. That's when I know a friendship is real, when I can tell them my secrets and they'll keep them. I won't tell them because I need to, I'll tell them because I want to.
Growing Apart-
I don't really know where I'm going with this one so bear with me. I've grown apart from a lot of friends in my life. Growing apart and choosing to stop communicating with someone are different things in my mind. I don't think I've actually cut off very many friends. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I should to keep in contact with some people, but I don't care about them any less. Life just happens, ya know. Life doesn't stop when people leave, even though sometimes it feels like it should. It physically hurts to think about it sometimes. You connect with these people and give them pieces of you. Then they are gone, or they are there but they might as well be gone. We are content to let important people walk out of our lives. The worst is when it can't be helped. No matter how hard you try, the spark, the thing that made you friends is just...gone. If you are lucky you can get it back, if you are lucky you can have a semblance of the friendship you used to have, if you're lucky the friendship never fades. Unfortunately most of us aren't that lucky and that sucks. I suppose part of being human is dealing with loss, separation, distance. I just wish it was easier sometimes.
Closing Thoughts-
Some of you may think I put too much stock in my friendship. I mean, people get married and then their friends fade into the distance, right? I don't believe in love, we've been over it. I love my family, but I don't know how people "fall" in love. I think I love some of my friends though. I think that feeling I get when I'm having a blast with my friends, when I'm sharing my life, when I'm being a total douchebag and they still like me afterword. That could be love. If that's love I could see why people chase after it. Why they spend their whole lives searching for it. Those moments with my friends are what I live for and I wouldn't want a life without them. That's why I cherish every friendship, because whether they are making me sad or happy they are making me something.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Love
Love! Love? Love...I might cause a little bit of controversy here. I don't think true love exist. People find it shocking when I tell them. I believe you can care very deeply for someone, but I don't know if love is real. I definitely don't believe in cosmic, out of this world, destined love. How can you be destined to be with one person, when there are seven billion people on the planet?
I thought I was in love once, I really did. I mean I told myself I was in love, because I thought this is what love is supposed to feel like. I cared about her. I wanted to be around her. I never wanted to hurt her. The problem was, I never had any intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I never wanted forever. She did and I was content with breaking her heart. That wasn't love, it can't be that easy to leave someone you "love."
People love their parents and people love their children. I love my family. That's different. They are apart of you and you can never be connected to anyone the way you are connected to them.You are apart of them and they are apart of you. It's supposed to be unconditional, but it isn't really. You could say it is, but that's not right. There is always a breaking point, always.
I guess I'm so jaded, so...bitter about the whole love concept because it's never been real to me. I think of love as a term people use to give deeper meaning to their relationships. I guess that's the definition of love, strong affection and personal attachment and whatnot. I care deeply about my family and friends and would be devastated if anything happened to any of them, but how does one go from just caring about someone to loving them? Because if loving someone is simply caring about them, then I love everyone.
I generally care about people...even strangers. I like to joke that I am some heartless asshole, but that's not really me. I just want the best for people, I just want them to be happy. Does that mean I love them? Everyone? I don't think so. Love is supposed to be something you earn, you "fall" into. That's why I don't believe in love, because I don't understand it. How can you care about everyone, but only love some people? Aren't they one-in-the-same? If I ever fall in love I guess I'll know. I guess I'll have some cosmic revelation/epiphany and I'll think "WOW! THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS!!!" I don't think that will happen. I'll just live life without love and that will be okay.
p.s. I didn't even write about greeting card companies, that would take up a whole blog post of its own.
I thought I was in love once, I really did. I mean I told myself I was in love, because I thought this is what love is supposed to feel like. I cared about her. I wanted to be around her. I never wanted to hurt her. The problem was, I never had any intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I never wanted forever. She did and I was content with breaking her heart. That wasn't love, it can't be that easy to leave someone you "love."
People love their parents and people love their children. I love my family. That's different. They are apart of you and you can never be connected to anyone the way you are connected to them.You are apart of them and they are apart of you. It's supposed to be unconditional, but it isn't really. You could say it is, but that's not right. There is always a breaking point, always.
I guess I'm so jaded, so...bitter about the whole love concept because it's never been real to me. I think of love as a term people use to give deeper meaning to their relationships. I guess that's the definition of love, strong affection and personal attachment and whatnot. I care deeply about my family and friends and would be devastated if anything happened to any of them, but how does one go from just caring about someone to loving them? Because if loving someone is simply caring about them, then I love everyone.
I generally care about people...even strangers. I like to joke that I am some heartless asshole, but that's not really me. I just want the best for people, I just want them to be happy. Does that mean I love them? Everyone? I don't think so. Love is supposed to be something you earn, you "fall" into. That's why I don't believe in love, because I don't understand it. How can you care about everyone, but only love some people? Aren't they one-in-the-same? If I ever fall in love I guess I'll know. I guess I'll have some cosmic revelation/epiphany and I'll think "WOW! THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS!!!" I don't think that will happen. I'll just live life without love and that will be okay.
p.s. I didn't even write about greeting card companies, that would take up a whole blog post of its own.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Goal Post!-Disney
Readers!
Long time no see?...no read?...long time no....whatever. It's been a while. I was struggling with content ideas so I have kind of been neglecting this blog. I think I'm going to start doing "segments" sometimes, which will add a little structure to my blog. I have been focusing on negativity for a while, which makes for a good read I guess, but I just thought of a new "segment" I'm gonna try to write about regularly. It's called goal post and it's about (drum roll please) Goals!
This blog is no stranger to goals. I posted a list of things to do over the summer and I also posted a soda challenge that didn't end so well. But now I going to update my progress (or lackthereof) for the world to see. I hope this helps with my motivation to accomplish these goals and can keep me on track with blog updates. It's like killing two birds with one stone. It should happen e'rry Monday, but who knows (commitment isn't really my thing).
My newest goal is Disney. My friends and I are planning a trip to Disney for Spring Break. It should be loads of fun, but there is a lot of work to be done if it is going to happen. That's why I created goal post, as a way to keep myself accountable and a place to write my "attainable" goals.
That's it for now. I'll keep the bloggy blog updated so if you want to know how I'm doing, check back here every week or so. Have a happy Monday!
Long time no see?...no read?...long time no....whatever. It's been a while. I was struggling with content ideas so I have kind of been neglecting this blog. I think I'm going to start doing "segments" sometimes, which will add a little structure to my blog. I have been focusing on negativity for a while, which makes for a good read I guess, but I just thought of a new "segment" I'm gonna try to write about regularly. It's called goal post and it's about (drum roll please) Goals!
This blog is no stranger to goals. I posted a list of things to do over the summer and I also posted a soda challenge that didn't end so well. But now I going to update my progress (or lackthereof) for the world to see. I hope this helps with my motivation to accomplish these goals and can keep me on track with blog updates. It's like killing two birds with one stone. It should happen e'rry Monday, but who knows (commitment isn't really my thing).
My newest goal is Disney. My friends and I are planning a trip to Disney for Spring Break. It should be loads of fun, but there is a lot of work to be done if it is going to happen. That's why I created goal post, as a way to keep myself accountable and a place to write my "attainable" goals.
Goals:
- Save $1500
- Lose 20 pounds
- Get my GPA up
That's it for now. I'll keep the bloggy blog updated so if you want to know how I'm doing, check back here every week or so. Have a happy Monday!
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