Coming out

Well here it is the big reveal. Surprise!  I really don’t know how to write this post. It’s hard, ya know? Revealing your innermost darkest secret to the world is extremely….daunting. I've told some of my family and some friends and now I’m telling you, everyone else.

My sexuality has always been….questionable. I am a feminine man and I do feminine things. I love chick flicks and gossiping is one of my favorite pastimes.  Everyone always assumed and I always denied it.  Well it’s time to face facts kiddos, I am in fact gay. Shocking right?

I know you are probably thinking that I should have done this in a more personal way. Some of you may wonder why I posted this on the web for the world to see.  I can’t explain it. I just need people to know, need them to see me for who I really am. I need to know who I really am, because honestly I don’t even feel like me sometimes. I feel weighed down and heavy.

 I hated myself for a long time. Why? I honestly don’t know. I know it was stupid to feel that angry toward myself. There was nothing to be ashamed about, no reason to hate myself so much.  I always supported the LGBT community, I wasn't homophobic. There was no hatred toward anyone but me. I can’t really say why I hated me, but I know it hurt. It still does. I've dealt with a lot of crap in my life. This is different, this is hiding something away, lying to my friends, family, even myself sometimes.

I pretended to be straight. Lived in a fantasy world where I liked girls because that is what I was supposed to like. I could never love anyone.  How can you love someone else when you hate yourself?  I’m terrified of being me partially because I don’t really know who I am. I made up things, what kind of girls I liked; I fabricated feelings for people just to throw off all of the suspicious people. I've hurt people just to keep me in the clear.  

I became a very good liar. I had to; there was no other way to keep my secret safe. I think that’s what feels the worst. I lied to the people I care about; I looked them in the eyes and denied the truth. For what reason? My friends will accept me for who I am. I should never have made up this lie to begin with. It quickly spun into a vicious web. Some of you have only known me for a few months and I feel bad for lying to you, I really do. Then there are those that have known me for years, the ones that I “shared” my life with, the ones that are supposed to know the real me, the ones who are like family. I am truly sorry that I couldn't tell you the truth. You have to understand that I secretly wanted to. I really did.

I wrote this post over break because it is easier that way. I can stay here hidden in the safety of my house for a couple of weeks. I don’t have to tell people awkwardly and see their expressions. That was the weirdest part about telling my family, waiting for a response. I’m sorry for being a coward, but I have to do this. I’m tired of being dishonest and I am tired of denying who I am.  My cousin said something the other day that kind of influenced this whole post. He told me that even though I am gay, he would never treat me any differently. That is what real friendship should be like. So if I disappointed you or changed your perception of me, I am sorry. This is who I am and it is time I finally accepted it.