I think it's kind of universally agreed that every parent has a favorite child. I really don't think it is anything personal or malicious. The excuse I heard a lot is that I just didn't need as much. Which is fine, right? A child can totally comprehend that they are just better at being alone than a sibling. That's totally a thing a fourteen-year-old boy is capable of processing. I'm here to tell you from personal experience that telling a young person that shit doesn't make them feel better. Nope, what actually happens is they develop a sense of inadequacy that will last their entire lives. Probably manifesting itself into quirky little problems like severe depression and a binge eating disorder. Cool.
There is, however, one unexpected benefit of being the first loser. I literally never feel good enough. Sounds like a bad thing, doesn't it? It kind of is, but it gives me drive. It fuels this excessive, manic behavior that some may view as unhealthy . I remember in middle school I tried to play every sport imaginable (lol) so my mom would come to the games. I wasn't great at sports (the fatness) so I started focusing on academics. I had choir concerts and spell bowl (I can still spell cumulonimbus without spell check but not much else) and I submitted a poem to a contest and won an award. It was all great, but never quite as exciting as that time my sister wanted to be a cheerleader...
It kept going long after my mom was gone. While in college I joined every club imaginable. My grades were falling but it's okay because I had so many meetings. I was always seeking validation for how hard I was working. I wanted to be a part of every club, but I was never ambitious enough to really excel at anything. I still always thought I should be doing more, even though my mental health was literally falling apart.
A couple of years ago I started going to the gym. I could literally look like a Hemsworth and I still wouldn't feel good enough. A combination of body dysmorphia and feelings of inadequacy can do a lot to a person. I was working out 7 days a week for 2-4 hours at a time and still felt like I wasn't doing enough. It always felt like there were people that were trying harder than I was and I needed to try the hardest. It is not even necessarily that I wanted to be the best. I feel like I can't be the best. I just have some unknown need for everyone to know how hard I'm working.
I've been fighting a back injury for a year and I got laid off from work. I'm not asking for sympathy here. My whole job is down and some people have it a lot worse than I do. I just can't explain to you how debilitating it is to not do anything. For someone who measures their worth on the amount of things they are doing at one time, doing nothing is about as low as it gets (even if it is saving lives). I have a need to be working. A need to be grinding. A need to be trying, and it feels like I'm not trying.
As I'm writing this, I'm trying to find the point. These blogs are about self-reflection more than anything. I can't work out even though I desperately want to and I can't work even though I need to.The good thing is I still want to. I guess I need to realize that It's not what you are doing but why you are doing. I may be doing nothing but that IS doing something, and for once in my life that will have to be good enough.
Stay Safe Everyone.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
A letter to god from an atheist.
Hey,
I understand that you probably have important things to do. What with the state of *gestures vaguely* everything. This is the equivalent of praying right? Just a conversation with you and one of your creations. That's what I thought when I was younger. When I was sure that I could make the world a better place. Just a mental conversation, like telekinesis or something. You, the big guy and the sky, were listening to my every word with rapt attention. You can't fix everything, my 8-year-old self knew that, but at least you were listening.
My 14-year-old self decided that I was probably just yelling into the void. None of it made sense. Too many plot holes. I declared my self an atheist and moved on. There wasn't a lightening strike and cacophonous wailing. Frankly, there wasn't anything. Just like that, my life was way simpler and infinitely more complicated. I was responsible for my own actions, which is cool. I also had to accept the reality that really shitty things just happen and they happen often. Eternity is scary. It's unfathomable. Everything ends. I have trouble believing that something or someone could waste their time dealing with every irrelevant detail of everything that ever was. It's ridiculous.
I remember praying. Every night, i poured my little heart out. Every.Single.Night.Ended.The.Same.
"bless everyone and please keep my mom safe....please"
Drugs. Cancer.Death. In that order. If prayers were pennies, I threw thousands into that wishing well. I pushed with every fiber of my being. I just wanted her to be happy and safe. That, unfortunately, is not the way things work.
Doesn't philippians 4:6 say be anxious for nothing? She was afraid of dying. She was afraid of her eternity. Staring at your own mortality is horrifying and then....the undeniable fact that you are going to burn forever because you aren't saved? What an awful way to deal with the sickness that's eating away at your insides. A pastor came and they said the lord's prayer. She accepted Jesus, your son, into her heart. She died two weeks later. She was hurting and scared and she waited for you. That shows the power of your love... or the power of fear. I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
It's totally cool though, because I don't believe bad things happen to teach me a lesson. I don't believe people get punished for being human. Basically, I don't blame you for cutting me at the trunk while I was still trying to grow. I don't believe these things because that's too easy. Sometimes things just aren't great and thats okay.
I don't want to sound spiteful. I'm not anti-christian or anti-religion. I'm actually pretty envious of my many religious family and friends. They have a sense of divine purpose. They know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are significant. Everything happens for a reason, it's all part of some grand scheme. Because of you, they have complete faith that everything will be alright. You provide them comfort whens things are hard. Because of you, their lives are better. I wish I could have the kind of comfort that they have when I feel like giving up, but I just can't. I wish I knew that after this there was something greater. I wish I thought we could see the dead again. I wish I knew they were waiting for me.
I do want to say thank you for providing righteous comfort. To her. To my friends. To my family. To all of the people that love you.
I do have a final thought for you. Mr. or Mrs. almighty. I really try to be good. I REALLY try to be good. I have sacrificed my own well being to help others, so.many.times. So, if by chance, I die and do find myself wrong. If I find myself standing in front of the pearly gates facing your judgment. I just want you to know that I chose to be good, not because of you. Not out of fear for my soul. Not for praise and not for glory. I chose to be good because goodness doesn't hurt people. Goodness heals. My only goal, ever, is to try and make people's time on this earth as bearable as possible. The best feeling in the world is knowing that you made someone's day a tiny bit brighter. Good people create good people.
Respectfully,
Brandon
I understand that you probably have important things to do. What with the state of *gestures vaguely* everything. This is the equivalent of praying right? Just a conversation with you and one of your creations. That's what I thought when I was younger. When I was sure that I could make the world a better place. Just a mental conversation, like telekinesis or something. You, the big guy and the sky, were listening to my every word with rapt attention. You can't fix everything, my 8-year-old self knew that, but at least you were listening.
My 14-year-old self decided that I was probably just yelling into the void. None of it made sense. Too many plot holes. I declared my self an atheist and moved on. There wasn't a lightening strike and cacophonous wailing. Frankly, there wasn't anything. Just like that, my life was way simpler and infinitely more complicated. I was responsible for my own actions, which is cool. I also had to accept the reality that really shitty things just happen and they happen often. Eternity is scary. It's unfathomable. Everything ends. I have trouble believing that something or someone could waste their time dealing with every irrelevant detail of everything that ever was. It's ridiculous.
I remember praying. Every night, i poured my little heart out. Every.Single.Night.Ended.The.Same.
"bless everyone and please keep my mom safe....please"
Drugs. Cancer.Death. In that order. If prayers were pennies, I threw thousands into that wishing well. I pushed with every fiber of my being. I just wanted her to be happy and safe. That, unfortunately, is not the way things work.
Doesn't philippians 4:6 say be anxious for nothing? She was afraid of dying. She was afraid of her eternity. Staring at your own mortality is horrifying and then....the undeniable fact that you are going to burn forever because you aren't saved? What an awful way to deal with the sickness that's eating away at your insides. A pastor came and they said the lord's prayer. She accepted Jesus, your son, into her heart. She died two weeks later. She was hurting and scared and she waited for you. That shows the power of your love... or the power of fear. I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
It's totally cool though, because I don't believe bad things happen to teach me a lesson. I don't believe people get punished for being human. Basically, I don't blame you for cutting me at the trunk while I was still trying to grow. I don't believe these things because that's too easy. Sometimes things just aren't great and thats okay.
I don't want to sound spiteful. I'm not anti-christian or anti-religion. I'm actually pretty envious of my many religious family and friends. They have a sense of divine purpose. They know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are significant. Everything happens for a reason, it's all part of some grand scheme. Because of you, they have complete faith that everything will be alright. You provide them comfort whens things are hard. Because of you, their lives are better. I wish I could have the kind of comfort that they have when I feel like giving up, but I just can't. I wish I knew that after this there was something greater. I wish I thought we could see the dead again. I wish I knew they were waiting for me.
I do want to say thank you for providing righteous comfort. To her. To my friends. To my family. To all of the people that love you.
I do have a final thought for you. Mr. or Mrs. almighty. I really try to be good. I REALLY try to be good. I have sacrificed my own well being to help others, so.many.times. So, if by chance, I die and do find myself wrong. If I find myself standing in front of the pearly gates facing your judgment. I just want you to know that I chose to be good, not because of you. Not out of fear for my soul. Not for praise and not for glory. I chose to be good because goodness doesn't hurt people. Goodness heals. My only goal, ever, is to try and make people's time on this earth as bearable as possible. The best feeling in the world is knowing that you made someone's day a tiny bit brighter. Good people create good people.
Respectfully,
Brandon
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Whatever it takes to make it through
Suicide. Doesn't it seem like it's all around us? It feels like everyday I hear the story of someone who decided to take their own life. What is there to say to a person who is grieving that very specific kind of loss? I mean we have t.v. shows like "13 Reasons Why" that focus purely on the after effects of a girl who takes her own life. There is a song whose title is the suicide hotline number. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I should tell my story. I haven't really talked about it in great detail because it's easier to laugh it off. I'm not looking for pity or congratulations. I just want to talk openly and honestly about the mindset of someone who believed that there was no other option.
In 2014 I decided that I was going to kill myself. I wish I could explain to you the process with which I made that decision. For some I'm sure, it just comes on a whim. Not for me. It started as a maggot, a small little thought in the back of my mind. I was smack dab in the middle of a major depressive spiral. I stopped taking my anti-depressants about a year before. I was working 12 hours a day at a pharmaceutical company and I would spend most of my days off lying on the floor staring at the wall. I wish I could explain the emptiness I felt. I wish I could really make you feel the heavy ball in the pit of stomach that never went away. I honestly felt like I would never be happy again. At one point, I completely forgot what happiness felt like. That's when the thoughts started.
Just end it. If you are happier when you are sleeping, then why not just permanently go to sleep? What started as a small bug grew like a tapeworm. It was all I could think about and it was all consuming. I knew I was being selfish and I thought about my family often. I was constantly thinking of how much money I needed to save, because after my mom died I knew the burden of an unplanned funeral. I didn't want to leave anyone the financial responsibility of putting me in the ground. I felt bad for my family. I couldn't do it in the house because then someone would have to find me. It's so cruel to ruin the memories of someones home because you don't want to live anymore. That's why I couldn't cut my wrist. You need running water to keep the blood flowing freely so I would have to be in the bathtub. I was too fat to hang myself, so a gun was the only way to go. I started researching gun laws in Indiana. I wanted to know how much it cost to buy one and how long I would have to wait.
It probably seems like I'm being flippant about the whole thing. Now I can look back on it with clarity and see how ridiculous it was. I'm not trying to be cavalier, I'm just trying to be honest.I really couldn't stand being alive. I couldn't stand the pain. I couldn't stand the fabricated aspects of my own reality. No emotion I ever showed was genuine. I was a fraud. Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong. I would stand in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, trying to break away. I felt detached from my own body. Like I was looking down on some sham of a human. Someone who didn't deserve to be here. Someone who didn't contribute to anything. Someone who wasn't wanted.
I wish I could tell you that I chose to stay because of my family, or friends or some loved one. I wish I could tell you that I recognized my worth and decided to stick around. The real answer is much more dumb than that. A reality t.v. show saved my life. More specifically: Big Brother.
I decided that I was going to watch the newest season of Big Brother. I had seen a few episodes and I had some friends in college that were obsessed with it. After watching the first couple of episodes, I decided that I would wait until the show show was over to end my life. If after 99 days I still wanted to commit suicide I would. That would give me the time that I needed to save money for a funeral and I could figure out the rest of my plan.
The best thing about big brother is that it's 24/7. You can literally pay attention to these people all of the time. It's so funny because the season I watched isn't even one of the better seasons. I just used it as a means to escape my brains desire to kill me. I just needed to not be in my head all the time. Slowly, the thoughts died down. I started a new job that wasn't so bad. I was throwing all of my energy into working and watching Big Brother. I was living vicariously through these other people and it was just enough to bring me out of the dark. After 99 daysI decided that life wasn't so bad. I had found the dumbest reason to stick it out and it worked.
I haven't had a suicidal thought in a very long time. I have a special place in my heart for Big Brother. I don't know if or when I'll get hit with another wave of depression. Right now, I have the best support system in the world and I don't ever feel alone. When I have a bad day, I go hard at the gym. I guess the big take away is that if you are hurting and can't seem to find a way out. It doesn't matter what you have to do to make it through. A reality t.v. show literally saved my life. My other favorite t.v. show has a line. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." Convincing yourself to stick around is difficult, but all that matters is you stick around.
In 2014 I decided that I was going to kill myself. I wish I could explain to you the process with which I made that decision. For some I'm sure, it just comes on a whim. Not for me. It started as a maggot, a small little thought in the back of my mind. I was smack dab in the middle of a major depressive spiral. I stopped taking my anti-depressants about a year before. I was working 12 hours a day at a pharmaceutical company and I would spend most of my days off lying on the floor staring at the wall. I wish I could explain the emptiness I felt. I wish I could really make you feel the heavy ball in the pit of stomach that never went away. I honestly felt like I would never be happy again. At one point, I completely forgot what happiness felt like. That's when the thoughts started.
Just end it. If you are happier when you are sleeping, then why not just permanently go to sleep? What started as a small bug grew like a tapeworm. It was all I could think about and it was all consuming. I knew I was being selfish and I thought about my family often. I was constantly thinking of how much money I needed to save, because after my mom died I knew the burden of an unplanned funeral. I didn't want to leave anyone the financial responsibility of putting me in the ground. I felt bad for my family. I couldn't do it in the house because then someone would have to find me. It's so cruel to ruin the memories of someones home because you don't want to live anymore. That's why I couldn't cut my wrist. You need running water to keep the blood flowing freely so I would have to be in the bathtub. I was too fat to hang myself, so a gun was the only way to go. I started researching gun laws in Indiana. I wanted to know how much it cost to buy one and how long I would have to wait.
It probably seems like I'm being flippant about the whole thing. Now I can look back on it with clarity and see how ridiculous it was. I'm not trying to be cavalier, I'm just trying to be honest.I really couldn't stand being alive. I couldn't stand the pain. I couldn't stand the fabricated aspects of my own reality. No emotion I ever showed was genuine. I was a fraud. Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong. I would stand in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, trying to break away. I felt detached from my own body. Like I was looking down on some sham of a human. Someone who didn't deserve to be here. Someone who didn't contribute to anything. Someone who wasn't wanted.
I wish I could tell you that I chose to stay because of my family, or friends or some loved one. I wish I could tell you that I recognized my worth and decided to stick around. The real answer is much more dumb than that. A reality t.v. show saved my life. More specifically: Big Brother.
I decided that I was going to watch the newest season of Big Brother. I had seen a few episodes and I had some friends in college that were obsessed with it. After watching the first couple of episodes, I decided that I would wait until the show show was over to end my life. If after 99 days I still wanted to commit suicide I would. That would give me the time that I needed to save money for a funeral and I could figure out the rest of my plan.
The best thing about big brother is that it's 24/7. You can literally pay attention to these people all of the time. It's so funny because the season I watched isn't even one of the better seasons. I just used it as a means to escape my brains desire to kill me. I just needed to not be in my head all the time. Slowly, the thoughts died down. I started a new job that wasn't so bad. I was throwing all of my energy into working and watching Big Brother. I was living vicariously through these other people and it was just enough to bring me out of the dark. After 99 daysI decided that life wasn't so bad. I had found the dumbest reason to stick it out and it worked.
I haven't had a suicidal thought in a very long time. I have a special place in my heart for Big Brother. I don't know if or when I'll get hit with another wave of depression. Right now, I have the best support system in the world and I don't ever feel alone. When I have a bad day, I go hard at the gym. I guess the big take away is that if you are hurting and can't seem to find a way out. It doesn't matter what you have to do to make it through. A reality t.v. show literally saved my life. My other favorite t.v. show has a line. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." Convincing yourself to stick around is difficult, but all that matters is you stick around.
Friday, January 15, 2016
I want to be better
I'm pretty sure the only time I ever write on this thing is when I'm having some sort of emotional turmoil. Now, you are probably thinking, "Brandon, are you going through ANOTHER existential crisis?" To that say, when is that not happening? Like ... you wouldn't want to take a stroll in this big ol' head. It's not a happy place. I mean sometimes but not usually...
The topic of the day is Goals! I know I've touched on goals before and I'll probably touch on goals again. The reason I keep coming back to goals is because I never complete them! Contrary to popular belief, I cannot do anything I set my mind to. I'm completely worthless and thats okay, probably...
In all seriousness, I actually got a pretty decent amount of stuff accomplished last year. I finally learned to drive and I finally got my license. That was pretty cool. I tried dating. That didn't work out...I, uh, got a new laptop! That was cool. Yeah,, it was a good year.
There is so much I want to do and I just can't find the motivation to do it. I (once again) am so grateful for the people in my life. The truth is, without them I wouldn't ever do anything. I had to be dragged to the car place to buy a car. I threw a freakin' tantrum trying not to go to that place. I just don't make moves. A move maker I am not.
I think I have a fear that something will go wrong. That's some kind of law or something. Anything that can happen will happen (GOOGLE TIME: Murphy's Law!). Not winning the powerball, because I don't ever see that shit happening. I get frozen by the fact that something will go wrong. That's no way to live my life. This is the same reason dating didn't work out; I'm afraid something will happen. Good or bad.
I'm not going to post a list of goals, because we all know how that worked out. I'm just going to let you know that I am working on myself. I want to be better. I can only think of a handful of times that I have ever really been proud of myself. My biggest goal is to finally like who I am. I know I am capable.
The topic of the day is Goals! I know I've touched on goals before and I'll probably touch on goals again. The reason I keep coming back to goals is because I never complete them! Contrary to popular belief, I cannot do anything I set my mind to. I'm completely worthless and thats okay, probably...
In all seriousness, I actually got a pretty decent amount of stuff accomplished last year. I finally learned to drive and I finally got my license. That was pretty cool. I tried dating. That didn't work out...I, uh, got a new laptop! That was cool. Yeah,, it was a good year.
There is so much I want to do and I just can't find the motivation to do it. I (once again) am so grateful for the people in my life. The truth is, without them I wouldn't ever do anything. I had to be dragged to the car place to buy a car. I threw a freakin' tantrum trying not to go to that place. I just don't make moves. A move maker I am not.
I think I have a fear that something will go wrong. That's some kind of law or something. Anything that can happen will happen (GOOGLE TIME: Murphy's Law!). Not winning the powerball, because I don't ever see that shit happening. I get frozen by the fact that something will go wrong. That's no way to live my life. This is the same reason dating didn't work out; I'm afraid something will happen. Good or bad.
I'm not going to post a list of goals, because we all know how that worked out. I'm just going to let you know that I am working on myself. I want to be better. I can only think of a handful of times that I have ever really been proud of myself. My biggest goal is to finally like who I am. I know I am capable.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
I Just Am
I was reading a book the other day and I realized something. There was an interesting theory. This theory stated that when we look into the future we only see the positive things. We only see the how great things are going to be. For example, when we think about our birthdays we think that they are going to be amazing. We think this with no basis of what is actually going to happen on our birthday. We do not consider that no one could show up, or that we could be sick, or that something really awful could happen. We just see how amazing things are going to be.
This prompted me to ask my friend where she saw herself in the future. Not any particular time, just the future. She responded that she knows that things will definitely be better than they are now. She also said that she wasn't an optimist, she was a realist. She just knows that this isn't the best that things will be. I told her that I disagree and that conversation went on for a long time. This inevitably led to her asking me where I saw myself in ten years. This is where I encountered my problem. I have no vision of the future. I have no goals.
I realized awhile ago that I don't get excited about things like other people do. I want something and then when I get it, I don't really feel anything. No happiness, no sense of joy, nothing. I just have what I wanted. I'm twenty-five and I just got my driver's license. Do you know what I did after I got something I had been planning on getting for a long time? Something that will literally make my life better. I went to sleep, and then got up and went to work.
I get excited to see people, but I never feel like I'm as excited as I should be. I'm never extremely happy and I haven't been extremely sad in a long time.I feel like a robot. I know that sounds cliche, but hope is what makes us human right? I'm devolving into some subspecies of human that is nothing but apathy. I don't see a happy future and I don't see a sad future, I just see a future. I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I just am. I just exist. I'm not upset about it, but I feel like I should be.
This prompted me to ask my friend where she saw herself in the future. Not any particular time, just the future. She responded that she knows that things will definitely be better than they are now. She also said that she wasn't an optimist, she was a realist. She just knows that this isn't the best that things will be. I told her that I disagree and that conversation went on for a long time. This inevitably led to her asking me where I saw myself in ten years. This is where I encountered my problem. I have no vision of the future. I have no goals.
I realized awhile ago that I don't get excited about things like other people do. I want something and then when I get it, I don't really feel anything. No happiness, no sense of joy, nothing. I just have what I wanted. I'm twenty-five and I just got my driver's license. Do you know what I did after I got something I had been planning on getting for a long time? Something that will literally make my life better. I went to sleep, and then got up and went to work.
I get excited to see people, but I never feel like I'm as excited as I should be. I'm never extremely happy and I haven't been extremely sad in a long time.I feel like a robot. I know that sounds cliche, but hope is what makes us human right? I'm devolving into some subspecies of human that is nothing but apathy. I don't see a happy future and I don't see a sad future, I just see a future. I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I just am. I just exist. I'm not upset about it, but I feel like I should be.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Feeling-Scared? Feeling-Content.
I am at a point in my life where I am scared. If you are wondering why I am scared, you should just hold your freakin' horses because I am getting ready to tell you. I am content where I am right now.
You may be wondering why my contentedness (which is a word I looked it up) would be scary. The reason it is scary, my curious friend, is because this isn't where I thought I would be right now.
The reason I went to college was so that I wouldn't have to work in a factory for the rest of my life. I wish someone would have told me that factories pay so well. I wish they would have told me that in two years, I would be making more than enough to support myself. All without $50,000 worth of student debt. Those things would have been cool to know.
It's all right. College was amazing. I got some awesome things from my school. I got friends that I will probably always have. I grew as a person and discovered a lot about myself in that five years.
College was amazing. That's what I keep telling myself.
College gave me opportunity.
College gave me skills.
College gave me friends.
College gave me my first bout with depression.
College gave me an anxiety disorder.
College gave me an overwhelming sense of failure.
College gave me jealousy.
College gave me a personality.
College gave me individuality.
College gave me sixty pounds.
College gave me disappointment.
College gave me hope.
College taught me a lot. Not what it takes to get a job in my desired field, with decent pay, but it taught me some things. College taught me that dreams don't come true.
I watch movies or t.v. shows and the person says "I'm going to go to college and get out of this dead end town." I know that that "dead end" town will take you back. It won't deny you the life that you deserve because your gpa was too low. It doesn't care that you didn't try hard enough.
I am not better or bigger than this town. I am not better or bigger than this job. I'm content. That scares me, but that's okay.
You may be wondering why my contentedness (which is a word I looked it up) would be scary. The reason it is scary, my curious friend, is because this isn't where I thought I would be right now.
The reason I went to college was so that I wouldn't have to work in a factory for the rest of my life. I wish someone would have told me that factories pay so well. I wish they would have told me that in two years, I would be making more than enough to support myself. All without $50,000 worth of student debt. Those things would have been cool to know.
It's all right. College was amazing. I got some awesome things from my school. I got friends that I will probably always have. I grew as a person and discovered a lot about myself in that five years.
College was amazing. That's what I keep telling myself.
College gave me opportunity.
College gave me skills.
College gave me friends.
College gave me my first bout with depression.
College gave me an anxiety disorder.
College gave me an overwhelming sense of failure.
College gave me jealousy.
College gave me a personality.
College gave me individuality.
College gave me sixty pounds.
College gave me disappointment.
College gave me hope.
College taught me a lot. Not what it takes to get a job in my desired field, with decent pay, but it taught me some things. College taught me that dreams don't come true.
I watch movies or t.v. shows and the person says "I'm going to go to college and get out of this dead end town." I know that that "dead end" town will take you back. It won't deny you the life that you deserve because your gpa was too low. It doesn't care that you didn't try hard enough.
I am not better or bigger than this town. I am not better or bigger than this job. I'm content. That scares me, but that's okay.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Forgettable
I haven't wrote a blog post since last year and that feels wrong somehow. The problem is that I have lost my willingness to write about anything. The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to put the thoughts in my mind out there. I wanted to share what was going on inside of my brain. Now it seems like there is nothing going on inside of my brain. I'm not saying I feel stupid, I just feel...stuck.
There was a time not too long ago, when I thought everyone had something important to say. I thought that everyone was capable of amazing things and that we could all make the world an amazing place. I don't know if I feel that way anymore and that makes me really really sad.
I'm not in a bad place right now. I'm happy, but i'm worried that I'm trapped. There really is nothing worse than feeling trapped. What's worse is that I also feel very disconnected. College is starting to feel like a dream, like a daze, it's starting to feel forgettable. I don't want those times to be forgettable. I don't want those people to be forgettable.
It's sad because they aren't just forgettable to me, but I'm forgettable to them. Isn't that what we want? To be unforgettable. We like to think that our presence in people's lives was unforgettable. That we have impacted their lives forever and they will never be the same. The sad reality is that we are all just stars in the sky. An illusion of closeness with a million miles between us. We are all just destined to be memories and nothing else.
This post went to a darker place than I intended. I'm discovering my place in this world and I really don't like what I am finding. That's part of growing up I guess. The dreams and fantasies start to devolve into depressing reality. I'm trying to end on a happy note. I having trouble finding one at the moment. I guess for now I can be happy that the friendships I have made are still going strong. Most of them anyway. I guess for the moment, I can be happy with the fact that today I wasn't forgettable.
There was a time not too long ago, when I thought everyone had something important to say. I thought that everyone was capable of amazing things and that we could all make the world an amazing place. I don't know if I feel that way anymore and that makes me really really sad.
I'm not in a bad place right now. I'm happy, but i'm worried that I'm trapped. There really is nothing worse than feeling trapped. What's worse is that I also feel very disconnected. College is starting to feel like a dream, like a daze, it's starting to feel forgettable. I don't want those times to be forgettable. I don't want those people to be forgettable.
It's sad because they aren't just forgettable to me, but I'm forgettable to them. Isn't that what we want? To be unforgettable. We like to think that our presence in people's lives was unforgettable. That we have impacted their lives forever and they will never be the same. The sad reality is that we are all just stars in the sky. An illusion of closeness with a million miles between us. We are all just destined to be memories and nothing else.
This post went to a darker place than I intended. I'm discovering my place in this world and I really don't like what I am finding. That's part of growing up I guess. The dreams and fantasies start to devolve into depressing reality. I'm trying to end on a happy note. I having trouble finding one at the moment. I guess for now I can be happy that the friendships I have made are still going strong. Most of them anyway. I guess for the moment, I can be happy with the fact that today I wasn't forgettable.
Friday, May 2, 2014
A letter: Graduation
Dear you,
I am not the same person I was when I walked into Studebaker East all of the years ago. I used to have something to prove. I lost that somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the way I became complacent with putting in minimal effort. My ambition died and was replaced with a sense of...well I don't really know. I hit a wall of uncertainty that culminated in me settling for a future that I never wanted.
I'm lucky that I had a group of friends who were willing to drag me through the mud. Without them, I honestly probably wouldn't be here anymore. They helped me in ways that I cannot begin to explain. They saved me from my myself. I don't know if I can put the thoughts that ran through my head on this blog. I don't even know if I can put those thoughts into words. All I know is that the thing that saved me was the people I surrounded myself with. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me. They probably don't even know it but they saved my life. They kept me going when I couldn't keep me going and I will always be grateful for that.
I realize that this entire post makes my college experience sound awful. It is easy to look back and see all of the bad stuff. Those are the memorable things. Fights, failure and tears are all things that float around in the back of your head. It's easy to remember when you are broken, shattered into a million pieces trying to put yourself back together. That is only a part of my experience.
It feels like I have lived a thousand different lives on this campus. I felt the worst I will probably ever feel and I have felt like the most loved person on the planet. I feel like every person I have met on this campus has impacted me in some way. I can't even explain the mixture of emotions I feel when I think about leaving this place. It's finally happening. In two days I officially graduate college. I thought by the time I graduated college that I would be ready for the world. I would have a clear path with a clear destination. Well surprise, I don't have any more direction than I did when I walked into this place five years ago.
Coming to college is the best decision I ever made. Some person (who I don't know the name of) said that it isn't about the destination but the journey. That was definitely a misquote but it doesn't matter. This journey has been insane. The future doesn't scare me because I've been playing it by ear for my entire lifeIf you were part of my college experience and you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get to my destination. This may be the end of my college career, but I love a good ending.
-Brandon
I am not the same person I was when I walked into Studebaker East all of the years ago. I used to have something to prove. I lost that somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the way I became complacent with putting in minimal effort. My ambition died and was replaced with a sense of...well I don't really know. I hit a wall of uncertainty that culminated in me settling for a future that I never wanted.
I'm lucky that I had a group of friends who were willing to drag me through the mud. Without them, I honestly probably wouldn't be here anymore. They helped me in ways that I cannot begin to explain. They saved me from my myself. I don't know if I can put the thoughts that ran through my head on this blog. I don't even know if I can put those thoughts into words. All I know is that the thing that saved me was the people I surrounded myself with. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me. They probably don't even know it but they saved my life. They kept me going when I couldn't keep me going and I will always be grateful for that.
I realize that this entire post makes my college experience sound awful. It is easy to look back and see all of the bad stuff. Those are the memorable things. Fights, failure and tears are all things that float around in the back of your head. It's easy to remember when you are broken, shattered into a million pieces trying to put yourself back together. That is only a part of my experience.
It feels like I have lived a thousand different lives on this campus. I felt the worst I will probably ever feel and I have felt like the most loved person on the planet. I feel like every person I have met on this campus has impacted me in some way. I can't even explain the mixture of emotions I feel when I think about leaving this place. It's finally happening. In two days I officially graduate college. I thought by the time I graduated college that I would be ready for the world. I would have a clear path with a clear destination. Well surprise, I don't have any more direction than I did when I walked into this place five years ago.
Coming to college is the best decision I ever made. Some person (who I don't know the name of) said that it isn't about the destination but the journey. That was definitely a misquote but it doesn't matter. This journey has been insane. The future doesn't scare me because I've been playing it by ear for my entire lifeIf you were part of my college experience and you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get to my destination. This may be the end of my college career, but I love a good ending.
-Brandon
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Has it really been a year?
Well friends it has officially been a year since the big announcement. One year ago today I took what seemed like the biggest leap that I would ever take. I came out of the closet. I crafted what I though was the perfect message. I hit the submit button around four in the morning. I turned off my phone. I went to bed and I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. The response was overwhelmingly positive and that was that.
Has it really been that long? Have 365 days really passed? Am I different?
Some would definitely say I am. I have heard that I seem more happy. Sometimes I feel like I am really happy. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that I can finally be myself. Sometimes....
Did you know that sexuality is really confusing? I'm gay. I can say it confidently. I can say it. That was a big step for me. Sometimes I still don't feel like I fit. I feel like there is all of these qualifiers that come with being gay. You have to like fashion. You have to be flamboyant. You have to act a certain way and dress a certain way and be a certain way. I'm not that way.
I'm not that person. I feel like I am not gay enough but I know I'm not straight. I get confused. Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like anyone? Now we've moved into an entirely different zone. Asexual....maybe...bisexual....no....pansexual....Who knows. The sad thing is that I didn't even come up with these thoughts. A year ago I was sure of who I was. I told the world.
I told the world! Is that not enough? Shouldn't that solidify it. It is out there in writing. Why question it? I didn't question it. I told someone once that their sexuality is theirs. Is it? Is my sexuality my own? Everyone else gets caught up in it. Everyone has questions and theories and opinions. It's a phase. He's gaay. You've never been with a man so how do you know? You are bi-curious. I thought I came out for me. Sometimes it seems like I came out for everyone else.
Now I have have to continually come out for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life I have to tell people what I prefer. I have to defend myself. Discovering that I was gay was a painful process. I had to confirm what I knew over and over. I had to make sure. I had to battle myself. I thought that ended when you came out of the closet. It doesn't. Now I defend myself to everyone else. I tell them I'm sure. I was born this way. Why would I choose this? This is why I find men attractive...etc.
Let me be clear. I am proud that I came out of the closet. This year I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am comfortable with who I am. My sexuality is my own. That is a lesson that I need to remember. Just because I am not looking for a relationship or a hookup doesn't mean I'm straight. It doesn't mean I'm asexual. It might mean that I'm not confident. It might mean that I don't know how to date men. It might mean I'm terrified. It might mean a lot of things.
I need to stop questioning myself. I was sure of myself a year ago and I'm sure of myself now. I put my sexuality out of my head into reality. Then I let people get in my head and question myself. The closet was a really shitty place and I'm not going back there. I'm happy guys and I want to stay that way.
Has it really been that long? Have 365 days really passed? Am I different?
Some would definitely say I am. I have heard that I seem more happy. Sometimes I feel like I am really happy. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that I can finally be myself. Sometimes....
Did you know that sexuality is really confusing? I'm gay. I can say it confidently. I can say it. That was a big step for me. Sometimes I still don't feel like I fit. I feel like there is all of these qualifiers that come with being gay. You have to like fashion. You have to be flamboyant. You have to act a certain way and dress a certain way and be a certain way. I'm not that way.
I'm not that person. I feel like I am not gay enough but I know I'm not straight. I get confused. Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like anyone? Now we've moved into an entirely different zone. Asexual....maybe...bisexual....no....pansexual....Who knows. The sad thing is that I didn't even come up with these thoughts. A year ago I was sure of who I was. I told the world.
I told the world! Is that not enough? Shouldn't that solidify it. It is out there in writing. Why question it? I didn't question it. I told someone once that their sexuality is theirs. Is it? Is my sexuality my own? Everyone else gets caught up in it. Everyone has questions and theories and opinions. It's a phase. He's gaay. You've never been with a man so how do you know? You are bi-curious. I thought I came out for me. Sometimes it seems like I came out for everyone else.
Now I have have to continually come out for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life I have to tell people what I prefer. I have to defend myself. Discovering that I was gay was a painful process. I had to confirm what I knew over and over. I had to make sure. I had to battle myself. I thought that ended when you came out of the closet. It doesn't. Now I defend myself to everyone else. I tell them I'm sure. I was born this way. Why would I choose this? This is why I find men attractive...etc.
Let me be clear. I am proud that I came out of the closet. This year I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am comfortable with who I am. My sexuality is my own. That is a lesson that I need to remember. Just because I am not looking for a relationship or a hookup doesn't mean I'm straight. It doesn't mean I'm asexual. It might mean that I'm not confident. It might mean that I don't know how to date men. It might mean I'm terrified. It might mean a lot of things.
I need to stop questioning myself. I was sure of myself a year ago and I'm sure of myself now. I put my sexuality out of my head into reality. Then I let people get in my head and question myself. The closet was a really shitty place and I'm not going back there. I'm happy guys and I want to stay that way.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
It almost feels as if nothings changed at all
It has been a really weird semester so far. I am actually enjoying all of my classes which is really different for me. I've been thinking a lot about my future and what that entails for me. It is really hard to look into the future when you really have no sense of vision. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and now I've come to the end...of my college career. Not my life...I'm still kick'n.
When you are a (double) senior in college everyone expects you to have it figured out. They think you should know exactly what you are going to do because you have been learning how to do it. Does that sentence make any sense? Whatevs. The point is that you are supposed to know your shit. I don't know my shit. My shit is very unknown to me. That's scary.
I mean I have some backup plans but that will just be delaying the inevitable. I am stuck in the same rut that I have been stuck in for four years. The only problem is that my time here is up and I have to make a decision. I can't even make my meal plan last for the entire week. How am I supposed to plan out the rest of my life? I guess that's the point right? At some point you just have to move on and jump in. You have got to do what scares you. I've gotta be honest here people I'm terrified. It feels like I'm about to dive into the ocean and I don't even know how to swim.
When you are a (double) senior in college everyone expects you to have it figured out. They think you should know exactly what you are going to do because you have been learning how to do it. Does that sentence make any sense? Whatevs. The point is that you are supposed to know your shit. I don't know my shit. My shit is very unknown to me. That's scary.
I mean I have some backup plans but that will just be delaying the inevitable. I am stuck in the same rut that I have been stuck in for four years. The only problem is that my time here is up and I have to make a decision. I can't even make my meal plan last for the entire week. How am I supposed to plan out the rest of my life? I guess that's the point right? At some point you just have to move on and jump in. You have got to do what scares you. I've gotta be honest here people I'm terrified. It feels like I'm about to dive into the ocean and I don't even know how to swim.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
10 things you don't care to know about Brandon
1. I totally thought I invented the word "should" for like two seconds. I thought it was a moment of creative genius.
2. I thought Cartwheel was a cool name for a child when I was in middle school.
3. I can't tell the difference between sour and bitter.
4. I almost cried during the series finale of ICarly. SHE WENT TO ITALY AND LEFT US BEHIND!!!
5. I did cry during an episode of Ally McBeal.
6. I think dog food smells delicious.
7. I watched Power Rangers until I was 14.
8. I fell asleep in the woods once, I used poison Ivy as my pillow.
9. I secretly think Lindsay Lohan is going to have an epic comeback.
10. I might have watched Designing Women everyday for like 3 years.
2. I thought Cartwheel was a cool name for a child when I was in middle school.
3. I can't tell the difference between sour and bitter.
4. I almost cried during the series finale of ICarly. SHE WENT TO ITALY AND LEFT US BEHIND!!!
5. I did cry during an episode of Ally McBeal.
6. I think dog food smells delicious.
7. I watched Power Rangers until I was 14.
8. I fell asleep in the woods once, I used poison Ivy as my pillow.
9. I secretly think Lindsay Lohan is going to have an epic comeback.
10. I might have watched Designing Women everyday for like 3 years.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Life without a smart phone (first world problems)
Well peeps the inevitable finally happened...my phone got shut off. I knew it was coming. Mike closed the line down a month ago, but I wasn't in a rush to get a new phone because....well I really don't know why. The real problem is that my iphone is dead, like dead dead. So now my entertainment factor has spiraled down to nothing. These are some of the thoughts that have passed through my head over the last few days.
What time is it?
What time is it?
I could win this argument if I had the internet.
I have to go to the restroom what am I going to do?!
What time is it?
I wonder who that actor is, they look so familiar?
I'm bored.
I could check Facebook but my computer is waaaayyy upstairs.
What time is it?
Really though who the fuck is that actor?
I could show you I'm RIGHT IF I HAD MY DAMN PHONE!!!!!
AFFADSJFasd:FJASdFASDfjasdlkjf
I need to buy a clock.
The back of this shampoo bottle looks really interesting. Hmmmm they removed the lather, rinse repeat.
Do I even remember how to check my email on the computer?
Tumblr password....shit
gmail password....shit
Just give me your phone, I WILL prove you wrong....please
I've never actually read the terms and conditions sheet on my bedside table...looks kind of interesting
Will someone please look up that fucking actor?
It's late and I should go to sleep, but what will I do for an hour before I actually fall asleep
Oh you are just going to run inside, I'll just wait here....alone
Fuck this, I'm getting a watch.
The epitome of the first world problem is not having a cell phone. I promise. You don't know what you've got till it's gone has never been more accurate. I wish I wasn't so reliant on technology. This has been a Brandon complains a lot post. The truth is that I have been a little dry on blogging material lately. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Come back soonish...maybe...
What time is it?
What time is it?
I could win this argument if I had the internet.
I have to go to the restroom what am I going to do?!
What time is it?
I wonder who that actor is, they look so familiar?
I'm bored.
I could check Facebook but my computer is waaaayyy upstairs.
What time is it?
Really though who the fuck is that actor?
I could show you I'm RIGHT IF I HAD MY DAMN PHONE!!!!!
AFFADSJFasd:FJASdFASDfjasdlkjf
I need to buy a clock.
The back of this shampoo bottle looks really interesting. Hmmmm they removed the lather, rinse repeat.
Do I even remember how to check my email on the computer?
Tumblr password....shit
gmail password....shit
Just give me your phone, I WILL prove you wrong....please
I've never actually read the terms and conditions sheet on my bedside table...looks kind of interesting
Will someone please look up that fucking actor?
It's late and I should go to sleep, but what will I do for an hour before I actually fall asleep
Oh you are just going to run inside, I'll just wait here....alone
Fuck this, I'm getting a watch.
The epitome of the first world problem is not having a cell phone. I promise. You don't know what you've got till it's gone has never been more accurate. I wish I wasn't so reliant on technology. This has been a Brandon complains a lot post. The truth is that I have been a little dry on blogging material lately. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Come back soonish...maybe...
Monday, June 10, 2013
A Year
It has been a little over a year since I started this blog. I have to be honest and say that I had no idea what I was doing at first. I was bored, lonely, sad and felt that my summer and my life was just passing by. That's the problem with summers, they are speedy. Actually, that's the problem with life. It rushes past without warning and then you're 23 and on the fast track to who-knows-where.
I always wanted a place to document what I was feeling and I always felt like I had something important to say. What most people don't know is that my head is a jumbled mess. I don't think I am unique in that aspect, everybody has their problems. It gets pretty crazy in there sometimes. I spend a lot of time inside my head and sometimes it feels like too much. That was the real purpose behind the blog, to put all of the stuff that runs through my head out there. This was an outlet for people to see the real me, and I think I accomplished that.
In December this blog helped me with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The decision to reveal my true self to people was hastily made. The way I wanted to do it was not. I was stumbling through the internet and I found a (I guess you could call it life changing) post. A guy had came out on Facebook and linked to his personal blog to prove he wasn't hacked. It was in that moment that I decided if I ever came out I would use a personal blog to do it.
It seemed like the perfect solution. I could explain myself to everyone at once! It allowed me to tell people without experiencing their immediate reactions. It made it easier. To some my blog post was a thing of bravery but to me it was written out of cowardice. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? No. The result was more support than I could have ever imagined and I think my life is better because of it.
My blog is extremely personal...obviously. I put things there that I would never say out loud. I wrote a letter to my sister that has no business being on the internet. I put it there because it was in my head and I needed to get it out. I have put my thoughts on love, my fears, my dreams, my goals, I have put everything on my blog. I don't know the point of this post, and it has no particular meaning. I just feel like a year is a long time to consistently update something. Anyone who knows me personally knows I have a hard time with commitment. I'm kind of proud that my desire to write is still here.
I always wanted a place to document what I was feeling and I always felt like I had something important to say. What most people don't know is that my head is a jumbled mess. I don't think I am unique in that aspect, everybody has their problems. It gets pretty crazy in there sometimes. I spend a lot of time inside my head and sometimes it feels like too much. That was the real purpose behind the blog, to put all of the stuff that runs through my head out there. This was an outlet for people to see the real me, and I think I accomplished that.
In December this blog helped me with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The decision to reveal my true self to people was hastily made. The way I wanted to do it was not. I was stumbling through the internet and I found a (I guess you could call it life changing) post. A guy had came out on Facebook and linked to his personal blog to prove he wasn't hacked. It was in that moment that I decided if I ever came out I would use a personal blog to do it.
It seemed like the perfect solution. I could explain myself to everyone at once! It allowed me to tell people without experiencing their immediate reactions. It made it easier. To some my blog post was a thing of bravery but to me it was written out of cowardice. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? No. The result was more support than I could have ever imagined and I think my life is better because of it.
My blog is extremely personal...obviously. I put things there that I would never say out loud. I wrote a letter to my sister that has no business being on the internet. I put it there because it was in my head and I needed to get it out. I have put my thoughts on love, my fears, my dreams, my goals, I have put everything on my blog. I don't know the point of this post, and it has no particular meaning. I just feel like a year is a long time to consistently update something. Anyone who knows me personally knows I have a hard time with commitment. I'm kind of proud that my desire to write is still here.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
It is 3:30 a.m. on the Wednesday of most of my friends final week of college. My,my,my how the time flies. Three whole days until they begin their lives as functioning members of society. Three days until they go out and change lives, or the world for that matter. Three days until the greatness that I know, the greatness that I get to experience everyday is going to be experienced by a whole group of new people who have no idea what they are in for.
It's funny, one day you are helping someone you barely know raise their bed for the first time and suddenly it's four days until graduation and you can't imagine your life without them.It's funny how the quiet kid who plays video games becomes one of the most stable people in your life for four years. It's funny how the competition becomes one of your closest friends and takes you on a journey that completely changes you as a person. It's funny how the girl in pink who you were never officially introduced to becomes someone who you spend countless hours with, someone who goes out of their way to make you a better person. It's funny how the girl from desk staff becomes one of your closest friends without either of you ever really noticing. . It's funny how these people become part of you, and how they don't know that when they leave they are taking little pieces of you with them.
I knew that when they left I was going to be sad. I knew that I made some friends that I intend to keep forever. What I didn't know was that I was going to meet some of the greatest people I will ever know here. I didn't know that I could be lucky enough to have this many real friendships in my life. I didn't know that when I made one of the most of the difficult decisions in my life that these people would rally around me. I didn't know that people like me got to spend precious time with the "game changers" of the world. If you are wondering how I know these people are game changers, the answer is kind of simple. When these people change other people's lives the way they changed mine, it will get noticed. I just hope people don't take them for granted the way I have, that would be a damn shame.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
10 things I miss
I'm sitting at night desk and I got the urge to blog. I always have my blog open just in case I really feel the need to write. This is one of those instances. I was wading through my dashboard on tumblr and I stumbled across a text post that influenced this blog. I don't remember exactly what the text post said, but I just felt the need to write. So here it is, ten things I miss.
1. I miss how everything used to seem so complicated but it really wasn't.
2. I miss my old friends, the ones that I thought would last and didn't.
3. I miss my mom, I miss her a lot these days.
4. I miss when the weekends were fun, now it seems like they are just a countdown to the next Monday.
5. I miss when school was easy and I didn't really need to try.
6. I miss a time when telling the truth was easier than lying.
7. I miss kid fights with my family members, not the heartbreaking fights we have these days.
8. I miss when my only care in the world was what was for lunch that day.
9. I miss riding my bike to the park on a summer day.
10. I miss a time where I didn't need medication to be happy.
Sorry if this post is a little depressing, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Just to be clear, when I say medication I mean anti-depressants not like drugs. I hate nostalgia these days, I hate nostalgia most days. It glorifies a past that probably wasn't that great. We all know living in the past is not good, and that memories are subject to years of misinformation. It just seems like the past was a better time. I'm sure there will eventually be a time where I miss right now. Life isn't terrible right now, it's actually pretty good.
1. I miss how everything used to seem so complicated but it really wasn't.
2. I miss my old friends, the ones that I thought would last and didn't.
3. I miss my mom, I miss her a lot these days.
4. I miss when the weekends were fun, now it seems like they are just a countdown to the next Monday.
5. I miss when school was easy and I didn't really need to try.
6. I miss a time when telling the truth was easier than lying.
7. I miss kid fights with my family members, not the heartbreaking fights we have these days.
8. I miss when my only care in the world was what was for lunch that day.
9. I miss riding my bike to the park on a summer day.
10. I miss a time where I didn't need medication to be happy.
Sorry if this post is a little depressing, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Just to be clear, when I say medication I mean anti-depressants not like drugs. I hate nostalgia these days, I hate nostalgia most days. It glorifies a past that probably wasn't that great. We all know living in the past is not good, and that memories are subject to years of misinformation. It just seems like the past was a better time. I'm sure there will eventually be a time where I miss right now. Life isn't terrible right now, it's actually pretty good.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I chose the labyrinth
Hey Guys,
I stumbled across an old post I started to write and I decided to finish it.
So I was reading this book called Looking for Alaska and I felt inspired to blog. I'm thinking about doing a book review on my other blog but that's not what I'm going to do here. There is a line that I want to reflect on. "After all this time, it seems like straight and fast is the only way out but I choose the labyrinth."
I am not sure why but for some reason this line really stands out to me. The labyrinth is our pain and suffering. Sometimes it feels like we are trapped in maze of sorrow and despair. Constantly struggling to find our way to a better, happier existence. The walls are tall and the path is dark, but we have to navigate the labyrinth because we are human.
It seems like straight and fast are the only way out. When you look back, that seems like the easiest answer. Why waste all of this time wandering, struggling, suffering when you can get out quick.(SIDE NOTE: I think this comes off as a bit suicidal, that's definitely not what I was going for. This is where the post ended and now I am going to finish it.) I definitely think this quote can apply to anything in life. It always seems easiest to take the shortcuts, because that is how we are conditioned. We are bombarded with messages telling us that we need to accomplish everything as fast as possible with a minimal amount of effort.
I tend to think that there is something really rewarding about choosing the labyrinth. You find your way through the twist and turns and eventually you come out a better person. You may be exhausted, tired, and fraught but you made it. If you don't make it out, if you find yourself wandering endlessly, at least you didn't take the easy way out. That puts you a cut above the rest and maybe you will discover your path. The labyrinth is a dark and scary place but that is what makes it worth taking.
I stumbled across an old post I started to write and I decided to finish it.
So I was reading this book called Looking for Alaska and I felt inspired to blog. I'm thinking about doing a book review on my other blog but that's not what I'm going to do here. There is a line that I want to reflect on. "After all this time, it seems like straight and fast is the only way out but I choose the labyrinth."
I am not sure why but for some reason this line really stands out to me. The labyrinth is our pain and suffering. Sometimes it feels like we are trapped in maze of sorrow and despair. Constantly struggling to find our way to a better, happier existence. The walls are tall and the path is dark, but we have to navigate the labyrinth because we are human.
It seems like straight and fast are the only way out. When you look back, that seems like the easiest answer. Why waste all of this time wandering, struggling, suffering when you can get out quick.(SIDE NOTE: I think this comes off as a bit suicidal, that's definitely not what I was going for. This is where the post ended and now I am going to finish it.) I definitely think this quote can apply to anything in life. It always seems easiest to take the shortcuts, because that is how we are conditioned. We are bombarded with messages telling us that we need to accomplish everything as fast as possible with a minimal amount of effort.
I tend to think that there is something really rewarding about choosing the labyrinth. You find your way through the twist and turns and eventually you come out a better person. You may be exhausted, tired, and fraught but you made it. If you don't make it out, if you find yourself wandering endlessly, at least you didn't take the easy way out. That puts you a cut above the rest and maybe you will discover your path. The labyrinth is a dark and scary place but that is what makes it worth taking.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Goal Post-Life
Hello there!
Sorry for the hiatus everyone! There has been tons-o-stress in my life recently and I haven't had the time to blog. Well...I have had the time to blog, I just wasn't feeling it. Times they are a changin' and I finally decided to pick up the pen (or open the laptop or whatever).
It's spring break (yay) and I have been contemplating the current status of my life. Let's be frank, it's a shit show! I know how popular the whole list format is so I'll break it down for ya.
Sorry for the hiatus everyone! There has been tons-o-stress in my life recently and I haven't had the time to blog. Well...I have had the time to blog, I just wasn't feeling it. Times they are a changin' and I finally decided to pick up the pen (or open the laptop or whatever).
It's spring break (yay) and I have been contemplating the current status of my life. Let's be frank, it's a shit show! I know how popular the whole list format is so I'll break it down for ya.
- I have no job.
- I have no money.
- My GPA is VERY sub par.
- I keep racking up health problems because of my still ballooning weight gain.
- Over stress
The list goes on and on. I've spent the majority of my break trying to come up with some solutions to my problems. You know what I've come up with? Squat. Fear not, my less than enthused readership because I have a plan. I'm thinking the only way I'm going to see long-term results is with a steady amount of short-term goals. Are we seeing a solution here? I hope so!
This is what I'm thinking. I am going to tackle these problems one short term goal at a time. The job/money problems aren't particularly fixable right now but everything else definitely is. I'm also going to try to start posting more regularly. I love to write and apparently writing gets better with practice. So here it is, my list of short term goals for the coming week.
Goal 1: 2 homework sessions (by myself or in a group)
Goal 2: Limit myself to 2 sodas per day.
Goal 3: Identify some major causes of stress in my life
Goal 4: Continue looking for a job
I know it doesn't seem like much, but I am going to try very hard to stick to these short-term goals. I hope my distaste for failure will see me through. I'm sorry this post is extremely boring and I hope to come up with some more entertaining material soon. Until that time, this is what you are stuck with.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Coming out
Well here it is the big reveal. Surprise! I really don’t know how to write this post.
It’s hard, ya know? Revealing your innermost darkest secret to the world is
extremely….daunting. I've told some of my family and some friends and now I’m
telling you, everyone else.
My sexuality has always been….questionable. I am a feminine
man and I do feminine things. I love chick flicks and gossiping is one of my
favorite pastimes. Everyone always
assumed and I always denied it. Well it’s
time to face facts kiddos, I am in fact gay. Shocking right?
I know you are probably thinking that I should have done
this in a more personal way. Some of you may wonder why I posted this on the
web for the world to see. I can’t
explain it. I just need people to know, need them to see me for who I really
am. I need to know who I really am, because honestly I don’t even feel like me
sometimes. I feel weighed down and heavy.
I hated myself for a
long time. Why? I honestly don’t know. I know it was stupid to feel that angry
toward myself. There was nothing to be ashamed about, no reason to hate myself
so much. I always supported the LGBT
community, I wasn't homophobic. There was no hatred toward anyone but me. I
can’t really say why I hated me, but I know it hurt. It still does. I've dealt
with a lot of crap in my life. This is different, this is hiding something
away, lying to my friends, family, even myself sometimes.
I pretended to be straight. Lived in a fantasy world where I
liked girls because that is what I was supposed to like. I could never love
anyone. How can you love someone else
when you hate yourself? I’m terrified of
being me partially because I don’t really know who I am. I made up things, what
kind of girls I liked; I fabricated feelings for people just to throw off all
of the suspicious people. I've hurt people just to keep me in the clear.
I became a very good liar. I had to; there was no other way
to keep my secret safe. I think that’s what feels the worst. I lied to the
people I care about; I looked them in the eyes and denied the truth. For what
reason? My friends will accept me for who I am. I should never have made up
this lie to begin with. It quickly spun into a vicious web. Some of you have only
known me for a few months and I feel bad for lying to you, I really do. Then
there are those that have known me for years, the ones that I “shared” my life
with, the ones that are supposed to know the real me, the ones who are like
family. I am truly sorry that I couldn't tell you the truth. You have to
understand that I secretly wanted to. I really did.
I wrote this post over break because it is easier that way.
I can stay here hidden in the safety of my house for a couple of weeks. I don’t
have to tell people awkwardly and see their expressions. That was the weirdest part
about telling my family, waiting for a response. I’m sorry for being a coward,
but I have to do this. I’m tired of being dishonest and I am tired of denying
who I am. My cousin said something the
other day that kind of influenced this whole post. He told me that even though
I am gay, he would never treat me any differently. That is what real friendship
should be like. So if I disappointed you or changed your perception of me, I am
sorry. This is who I am and it is time I finally accepted it.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Ranty Rant-friendship
Hello Everyone,
I'm sorry I don't update as much. I know you have all been waiting eagerly for my next amazing blog post, but I fear I must let you down. (please note the sarcasm, I'm extremely dull and not quite that douchey...yet) I really don't have anything to write about. I have been feeling a little angsty lately and I wasn't sure if I wanted to load my blog up with all of my emotional baggage. Then I realized that is the reason I made this blog. I wanted a place to keep my thoughts. I'm going to start a new segment called "ranty rant." I'm going to rant about what I'm feeling at the moment. I know what you are thinking, and this will probably be the same kind of over-the-top, sentimental crap I usually write. It might be long, so I completely understand if it doesn't get read. If you are into Degrassi/Disney Channel Original Movie, self-indulgent, melodrama then this is the post for you.
I have a lot of things I want to chat about. I'm not (contrary to other post) going to rant about how I am a terrible friend. People seem to accept me for who I am, and while it is weird, I know that some people like me. I am going to rant/chat about friendship in general. This topic comes up a lot with my various friend circles and it deserves a blog post.
Best Friend-
I'm starting to hate the term best friend. It's just like love, in that it is used to put a deeper meaning into a specific relationship. I'm claiming a few best friends at the moment. An old friend and I claim "best friends," we have been through a lot together and she even wants me to be in her wedding. I have a different "best friend" that I am also super close to, but we keep having friend drama.I have a best friend that I have known since I was in the 8th grade, she is someone that I can talk to at any time and she is always there to listen. I now have a new bffl and a new best friend. The problem with this whole situation is that they are all important to me in different capacities. I can't in good conscience use the term "best" because that signifies that there is only one. I would use the term "good friends," but most of my friends are good friends. I don't know why I feel the need to throw my friends into different categories. Shouldn't they all be equal? I like to have meaningful connections with all of my friends, so I'm not quite sure when they move into the "best friend" zone. Why do they have to? Friendship is fluid right? You can be super close to someone one day and then BAM you don't talk anymore. If you throw that label on your friendship, it doesn't make it any more solid. People have ex-best friends. Is losing a best friend more tragic than losing a regular friend? Shouldn't losing any friend feel awful, or is that just how I feel? This term over complicates something that shouldn't be that complicated. If your my friend then I care about you and you (hopefully) care about me. I may be closer to some, but it's all the same.
Trust-
Trust is weird. I used to be a very trusting individual and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. Now I think I've become more closed-off, more... secretive. I always tell people that I don't have any secrets, but everyone has secrets right? Everyone has something that they don't just tell anyone, right? It's hard to give something like that to someone, because if they slip then that's it. It's like giving your kryptonite to Lex Luthor, it'd be real (not fake) dumb. I have friends that really let me in to their lives and tell me things that are real and important, and I have friends who keep their thoughts locked up like Fort Knox. I feel closer to the people who let me in, because I value trust. I really find it amazing that someone trusts me with their kryptonite. Friendships are very important to me and I would never do anything to sabotage them, but I could and these people trust that I won't. I think there is something special in that. That's when I know a friendship is real, when I can tell them my secrets and they'll keep them. I won't tell them because I need to, I'll tell them because I want to.
Growing Apart-
I don't really know where I'm going with this one so bear with me. I've grown apart from a lot of friends in my life. Growing apart and choosing to stop communicating with someone are different things in my mind. I don't think I've actually cut off very many friends. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I should to keep in contact with some people, but I don't care about them any less. Life just happens, ya know. Life doesn't stop when people leave, even though sometimes it feels like it should. It physically hurts to think about it sometimes. You connect with these people and give them pieces of you. Then they are gone, or they are there but they might as well be gone. We are content to let important people walk out of our lives. The worst is when it can't be helped. No matter how hard you try, the spark, the thing that made you friends is just...gone. If you are lucky you can get it back, if you are lucky you can have a semblance of the friendship you used to have, if you're lucky the friendship never fades. Unfortunately most of us aren't that lucky and that sucks. I suppose part of being human is dealing with loss, separation, distance. I just wish it was easier sometimes.
Closing Thoughts-
Some of you may think I put too much stock in my friendship. I mean, people get married and then their friends fade into the distance, right? I don't believe in love, we've been over it. I love my family, but I don't know how people "fall" in love. I think I love some of my friends though. I think that feeling I get when I'm having a blast with my friends, when I'm sharing my life, when I'm being a total douchebag and they still like me afterword. That could be love. If that's love I could see why people chase after it. Why they spend their whole lives searching for it. Those moments with my friends are what I live for and I wouldn't want a life without them. That's why I cherish every friendship, because whether they are making me sad or happy they are making me something.
I'm sorry I don't update as much. I know you have all been waiting eagerly for my next amazing blog post, but I fear I must let you down. (please note the sarcasm, I'm extremely dull and not quite that douchey...yet) I really don't have anything to write about. I have been feeling a little angsty lately and I wasn't sure if I wanted to load my blog up with all of my emotional baggage. Then I realized that is the reason I made this blog. I wanted a place to keep my thoughts. I'm going to start a new segment called "ranty rant." I'm going to rant about what I'm feeling at the moment. I know what you are thinking, and this will probably be the same kind of over-the-top, sentimental crap I usually write. It might be long, so I completely understand if it doesn't get read. If you are into Degrassi/Disney Channel Original Movie, self-indulgent, melodrama then this is the post for you.
I have a lot of things I want to chat about. I'm not (contrary to other post) going to rant about how I am a terrible friend. People seem to accept me for who I am, and while it is weird, I know that some people like me. I am going to rant/chat about friendship in general. This topic comes up a lot with my various friend circles and it deserves a blog post.
Best Friend-
I'm starting to hate the term best friend. It's just like love, in that it is used to put a deeper meaning into a specific relationship. I'm claiming a few best friends at the moment. An old friend and I claim "best friends," we have been through a lot together and she even wants me to be in her wedding. I have a different "best friend" that I am also super close to, but we keep having friend drama.I have a best friend that I have known since I was in the 8th grade, she is someone that I can talk to at any time and she is always there to listen. I now have a new bffl and a new best friend. The problem with this whole situation is that they are all important to me in different capacities. I can't in good conscience use the term "best" because that signifies that there is only one. I would use the term "good friends," but most of my friends are good friends. I don't know why I feel the need to throw my friends into different categories. Shouldn't they all be equal? I like to have meaningful connections with all of my friends, so I'm not quite sure when they move into the "best friend" zone. Why do they have to? Friendship is fluid right? You can be super close to someone one day and then BAM you don't talk anymore. If you throw that label on your friendship, it doesn't make it any more solid. People have ex-best friends. Is losing a best friend more tragic than losing a regular friend? Shouldn't losing any friend feel awful, or is that just how I feel? This term over complicates something that shouldn't be that complicated. If your my friend then I care about you and you (hopefully) care about me. I may be closer to some, but it's all the same.
Trust-
Trust is weird. I used to be a very trusting individual and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. Now I think I've become more closed-off, more... secretive. I always tell people that I don't have any secrets, but everyone has secrets right? Everyone has something that they don't just tell anyone, right? It's hard to give something like that to someone, because if they slip then that's it. It's like giving your kryptonite to Lex Luthor, it'd be real (not fake) dumb. I have friends that really let me in to their lives and tell me things that are real and important, and I have friends who keep their thoughts locked up like Fort Knox. I feel closer to the people who let me in, because I value trust. I really find it amazing that someone trusts me with their kryptonite. Friendships are very important to me and I would never do anything to sabotage them, but I could and these people trust that I won't. I think there is something special in that. That's when I know a friendship is real, when I can tell them my secrets and they'll keep them. I won't tell them because I need to, I'll tell them because I want to.
Growing Apart-
I don't really know where I'm going with this one so bear with me. I've grown apart from a lot of friends in my life. Growing apart and choosing to stop communicating with someone are different things in my mind. I don't think I've actually cut off very many friends. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I should to keep in contact with some people, but I don't care about them any less. Life just happens, ya know. Life doesn't stop when people leave, even though sometimes it feels like it should. It physically hurts to think about it sometimes. You connect with these people and give them pieces of you. Then they are gone, or they are there but they might as well be gone. We are content to let important people walk out of our lives. The worst is when it can't be helped. No matter how hard you try, the spark, the thing that made you friends is just...gone. If you are lucky you can get it back, if you are lucky you can have a semblance of the friendship you used to have, if you're lucky the friendship never fades. Unfortunately most of us aren't that lucky and that sucks. I suppose part of being human is dealing with loss, separation, distance. I just wish it was easier sometimes.
Closing Thoughts-
Some of you may think I put too much stock in my friendship. I mean, people get married and then their friends fade into the distance, right? I don't believe in love, we've been over it. I love my family, but I don't know how people "fall" in love. I think I love some of my friends though. I think that feeling I get when I'm having a blast with my friends, when I'm sharing my life, when I'm being a total douchebag and they still like me afterword. That could be love. If that's love I could see why people chase after it. Why they spend their whole lives searching for it. Those moments with my friends are what I live for and I wouldn't want a life without them. That's why I cherish every friendship, because whether they are making me sad or happy they are making me something.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Love
Love! Love? Love...I might cause a little bit of controversy here. I don't think true love exist. People find it shocking when I tell them. I believe you can care very deeply for someone, but I don't know if love is real. I definitely don't believe in cosmic, out of this world, destined love. How can you be destined to be with one person, when there are seven billion people on the planet?
I thought I was in love once, I really did. I mean I told myself I was in love, because I thought this is what love is supposed to feel like. I cared about her. I wanted to be around her. I never wanted to hurt her. The problem was, I never had any intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I never wanted forever. She did and I was content with breaking her heart. That wasn't love, it can't be that easy to leave someone you "love."
People love their parents and people love their children. I love my family. That's different. They are apart of you and you can never be connected to anyone the way you are connected to them.You are apart of them and they are apart of you. It's supposed to be unconditional, but it isn't really. You could say it is, but that's not right. There is always a breaking point, always.
I guess I'm so jaded, so...bitter about the whole love concept because it's never been real to me. I think of love as a term people use to give deeper meaning to their relationships. I guess that's the definition of love, strong affection and personal attachment and whatnot. I care deeply about my family and friends and would be devastated if anything happened to any of them, but how does one go from just caring about someone to loving them? Because if loving someone is simply caring about them, then I love everyone.
I generally care about people...even strangers. I like to joke that I am some heartless asshole, but that's not really me. I just want the best for people, I just want them to be happy. Does that mean I love them? Everyone? I don't think so. Love is supposed to be something you earn, you "fall" into. That's why I don't believe in love, because I don't understand it. How can you care about everyone, but only love some people? Aren't they one-in-the-same? If I ever fall in love I guess I'll know. I guess I'll have some cosmic revelation/epiphany and I'll think "WOW! THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS!!!" I don't think that will happen. I'll just live life without love and that will be okay.
p.s. I didn't even write about greeting card companies, that would take up a whole blog post of its own.
I thought I was in love once, I really did. I mean I told myself I was in love, because I thought this is what love is supposed to feel like. I cared about her. I wanted to be around her. I never wanted to hurt her. The problem was, I never had any intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I never wanted forever. She did and I was content with breaking her heart. That wasn't love, it can't be that easy to leave someone you "love."
People love their parents and people love their children. I love my family. That's different. They are apart of you and you can never be connected to anyone the way you are connected to them.You are apart of them and they are apart of you. It's supposed to be unconditional, but it isn't really. You could say it is, but that's not right. There is always a breaking point, always.
I guess I'm so jaded, so...bitter about the whole love concept because it's never been real to me. I think of love as a term people use to give deeper meaning to their relationships. I guess that's the definition of love, strong affection and personal attachment and whatnot. I care deeply about my family and friends and would be devastated if anything happened to any of them, but how does one go from just caring about someone to loving them? Because if loving someone is simply caring about them, then I love everyone.
I generally care about people...even strangers. I like to joke that I am some heartless asshole, but that's not really me. I just want the best for people, I just want them to be happy. Does that mean I love them? Everyone? I don't think so. Love is supposed to be something you earn, you "fall" into. That's why I don't believe in love, because I don't understand it. How can you care about everyone, but only love some people? Aren't they one-in-the-same? If I ever fall in love I guess I'll know. I guess I'll have some cosmic revelation/epiphany and I'll think "WOW! THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS!!!" I don't think that will happen. I'll just live life without love and that will be okay.
p.s. I didn't even write about greeting card companies, that would take up a whole blog post of its own.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)