Has it really been a year?

Well friends it has officially been a year since the big announcement. One year ago today I took what seemed like the biggest leap that I would ever take. I came out of the closet. I crafted what I though was the perfect message. I hit the submit button around four in the morning. I turned off my phone. I went to bed and I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. The response was overwhelmingly positive and that was that.

Has it really been that long? Have 365 days really passed? Am I different?

Some would definitely say I am. I have heard that I seem more happy. Sometimes I feel like I am really happy. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that I can finally be myself. Sometimes....

Did you know that sexuality is really confusing? I'm gay. I can say it confidently. I can say it. That was a big step for me.  Sometimes I still don't feel like I fit.  I feel like there is all of these qualifiers that come with being gay. You have to like fashion. You have to be flamboyant. You have to act a certain way and dress a certain way and be a certain way. I'm not that way.

I'm not that person. I feel like I am not gay enough but I know I'm not straight. I get confused. Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like anyone?  Now we've moved into an entirely different zone. Asexual....maybe...bisexual....no....pansexual....Who knows. The sad thing is that I didn't even come up with these  thoughts. A year ago I was sure of who I was. I told the world.

I told the world! Is that not enough? Shouldn't that solidify it. It is out there in writing. Why question it? I didn't question it. I told someone once that their sexuality is theirs. Is it? Is my sexuality my own? Everyone else gets caught up in it. Everyone has questions and theories and opinions. It's a phase. He's gaay. You've never been with a man so how do you know? You are bi-curious. I thought I came out for me. Sometimes it seems like I came out for everyone else.

Now I have have to continually come out for the rest of my life.  For the rest of my life I have to tell people what I prefer. I have to defend myself. Discovering that I was gay was a painful process. I had to confirm what I knew over and over. I had to make sure. I had to battle myself. I thought that ended when you came out of the closet. It doesn't. Now I defend myself to everyone else. I tell them I'm sure. I was born this way. Why would I choose this?  This is why I find men attractive...etc.

Let me be clear. I am proud that I came out of the closet. This year I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am comfortable with who I am. My sexuality is my own. That is a lesson that I need to remember. Just because I am not looking for a relationship or a hookup doesn't mean I'm straight. It doesn't mean I'm asexual. It might mean that I'm not confident. It might mean that I don't know how to date men. It might mean I'm terrified. It might mean a lot of things.

I need to stop questioning myself.  I was sure of myself a year ago and I'm sure of myself now. I put my sexuality out of my head into reality. Then I let people get in my head and question myself. The closet was a really shitty place and I'm not going back there. I'm happy guys and I want to stay that way.