I want to be better

I'm pretty sure the only time I ever write on this thing is when I'm having some sort of emotional turmoil. Now, you are probably thinking, "Brandon, are you going through ANOTHER existential crisis?" To that say, when is that not happening? Like ... you wouldn't want to take a stroll in this big ol' head. It's not a happy place. I mean sometimes but not usually...

The topic of the day is Goals! I know I've touched on goals before and I'll probably touch on goals again. The reason I keep coming back to goals is because I never complete them! Contrary to popular belief, I cannot do anything I set my mind to. I'm completely worthless and thats okay, probably...

In all seriousness, I actually got a pretty decent amount of stuff accomplished last year. I finally learned to drive and I finally got my license. That was pretty cool. I tried dating. That didn't work out...I, uh, got a new laptop! That was cool. Yeah,, it was a good year.

There is so much I want to do and I just can't find the motivation to do it. I (once again) am so grateful for the people in my life. The truth is, without them I wouldn't ever do anything. I had to be dragged to the car place to buy a car. I threw a freakin' tantrum trying not to go to that place. I just don't make moves. A move maker I am not.

I think I have a fear that something will go wrong. That's some kind of law or something. Anything that can happen will happen (GOOGLE TIME: Murphy's Law!). Not winning the powerball, because I don't ever see that shit happening. I get frozen by the fact that something will go wrong. That's no way to live my life. This is the same reason dating didn't work out; I'm afraid something will happen. Good or bad.

I'm not going to post a list of goals, because we all know how that worked out. I'm just going to let you know that I am working on myself. I want to be better. I can only think of a handful of times that I have ever really been proud of myself. My biggest goal is to finally like who I am. I know I am capable.

I Just Am

I was reading a book the other day and I realized something. There was an interesting theory. This theory stated that when we look into the future we only see the positive things. We only see the how great things are going to be. For example, when we think about our birthdays we think that they are going to be amazing. We think this with no basis of what is actually going to happen on our birthday. We do not consider that no one could show up, or that we could be sick, or that something really awful could happen. We just see how amazing things are going to be.

This prompted me to ask my friend where she saw herself in the future. Not any particular time, just the future. She responded that she knows that things will definitely be better than they are now. She also said that she wasn't an optimist, she was a realist. She just knows that this isn't the best that things will be. I told her that I disagree and that conversation went on for a long time. This inevitably led to her asking me where I saw myself in ten years. This is where I encountered my problem. I have no vision of the future. I have no goals.

I realized awhile ago that I don't get excited about things like other people do. I want something and then when I get it, I don't really feel anything. No happiness, no sense of joy, nothing. I just have what I wanted. I'm twenty-five and I just got my driver's license. Do you know what I did after I got something I had been planning on getting for a long time? Something that will literally make my life better. I went to sleep, and then got up and went to work.

I get excited to see people, but I never feel like I'm as excited as I should be. I'm never extremely happy and I haven't been extremely sad in a long time.I feel like a robot. I know that sounds cliche, but hope is what makes us human  right? I'm devolving into some subspecies of human that is nothing but apathy. I don't see a happy future and I don't see a sad future, I just see a future. I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I just am. I just exist. I'm not upset about it, but I feel like I should be.

Feeling-Scared? Feeling-Content.

I am at a point in my life where I am scared. If you are wondering why I am scared, you should just hold your freakin' horses because I am getting ready to tell you. I am content where I am right now.

You may be wondering why my contentedness (which is a word I looked it up) would be scary. The reason it is scary, my curious friend, is because this isn't where I thought I would be right now.

The reason I went to college was so that I wouldn't have to work in a factory for the rest of my life. I wish someone would have told me that factories pay so well. I wish they would have told me that in two years, I would be making more than enough to support myself. All without $50,000 worth of student debt. Those things would have been cool to know.

It's all right. College was amazing. I got some awesome things from my school. I got friends that I will probably always have. I grew as a person and discovered a lot about myself in that five years.

College was amazing. That's what I keep telling myself.
College gave me opportunity.
College gave me skills.
College gave me friends.
College gave me my first bout with depression.
College gave me an anxiety disorder.
College gave me an overwhelming sense of failure.
College gave me jealousy.
College gave me a personality.
College gave me individuality.
College gave me sixty pounds.
College gave me disappointment.
College gave me hope.

College taught me a lot. Not what it takes to get a job in my desired field, with decent pay, but it taught me some things. College taught me that dreams don't come true.

I watch movies or t.v. shows and the person says "I'm going to go to college and get out of this dead end town."  I know that that "dead end" town will take you back. It won't deny you the life that you deserve because your gpa was too low. It doesn't care that you didn't try hard enough.

I am not better or bigger than this town. I am not better or bigger than this job. I'm content. That scares me, but that's okay.

Forgettable

I haven't wrote a blog post since last year and that feels wrong somehow. The problem is that I have lost my willingness to write about anything. The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to put the thoughts in my mind out there. I wanted to share what was going on inside of my brain. Now it seems like there is nothing going on inside of my brain. I'm not saying I feel stupid, I just feel...stuck.

There was a time not too long ago, when I thought everyone had something important to say. I thought that everyone was capable of amazing things and that we could all make the world an amazing place. I don't know if I feel that way anymore and that makes me really really sad.

I'm not in a bad place right now. I'm happy, but i'm worried that I'm trapped. There really is nothing worse than feeling trapped. What's worse is that I also feel very disconnected. College is starting to feel like a dream, like a daze, it's starting to feel forgettable. I don't want those times to be forgettable. I don't want those people to be forgettable.

It's sad because they aren't just forgettable to me, but I'm forgettable to them. Isn't that what we want? To be unforgettable. We like to think that our presence in people's lives was unforgettable. That we have impacted their lives forever and they will never be the same. The sad reality is that we are all just stars in the sky. An illusion of closeness with a million miles between us. We are all just destined to be memories and nothing else.

This post went to a darker place than I intended. I'm discovering my place in this world and I really don't like what I am finding. That's part of growing up I guess. The dreams and fantasies start to devolve into depressing reality. I'm trying to end on a happy note. I having trouble finding one at the moment. I guess for now I can be happy that the friendships I have made are still going strong. Most of them anyway. I guess for the moment, I can be happy with the fact that today I wasn't forgettable.

A letter: Graduation

Dear you,

I am not the same person I was when I walked into Studebaker East all of the years ago. I used to have something to prove. I lost that somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the way I became complacent with putting in minimal effort. My ambition died and was replaced with a sense of...well I don't really know. I hit a wall of uncertainty that culminated in me settling for a future that I never wanted.

I'm lucky that I had a group of friends who were willing to drag me through the mud. Without them, I honestly probably wouldn't be here anymore. They helped me in ways that I cannot begin to explain. They saved me from my myself. I don't know if I can put the thoughts that ran through my head on this blog. I don't even know if I can put those thoughts into words. All I know is that the thing that saved me was the people I surrounded myself with. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me. They probably don't even know it but they saved my life. They kept me going when I couldn't keep me going and I will always be grateful for that.

I realize that this entire post makes my college experience sound awful. It is easy to look back and see all of the bad stuff. Those are the memorable things. Fights, failure and tears are all things that float around in the back of your head. It's easy to remember when you are broken, shattered into a million pieces trying to put yourself back together. That is only a part of my experience.

It feels like I have lived a thousand different lives on this campus. I felt the worst I will probably ever feel and I have felt like the most loved person on the planet. I feel like every person I have met on this campus has impacted me in some way. I can't even explain the mixture of emotions I feel when I think about leaving this place. It's finally happening. In two days I officially graduate college. I thought by the time I graduated college that I would be ready for the world. I would have a clear path with a clear destination. Well surprise, I don't have any more direction than I did when I walked into this place five years ago.

Coming to college is the best decision I ever made. Some person (who I don't know the name of) said that it isn't about the destination but the journey. That was definitely a misquote but it doesn't matter. This journey has been insane. The future doesn't scare me because I've been playing it by ear for my entire lifeIf you were part of my college experience and you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get to my destination. This may be the end of my college career, but I love a good ending.

-Brandon

Has it really been a year?

Well friends it has officially been a year since the big announcement. One year ago today I took what seemed like the biggest leap that I would ever take. I came out of the closet. I crafted what I though was the perfect message. I hit the submit button around four in the morning. I turned off my phone. I went to bed and I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. The response was overwhelmingly positive and that was that.

Has it really been that long? Have 365 days really passed? Am I different?

Some would definitely say I am. I have heard that I seem more happy. Sometimes I feel like I am really happy. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that I can finally be myself. Sometimes....

Did you know that sexuality is really confusing? I'm gay. I can say it confidently. I can say it. That was a big step for me.  Sometimes I still don't feel like I fit.  I feel like there is all of these qualifiers that come with being gay. You have to like fashion. You have to be flamboyant. You have to act a certain way and dress a certain way and be a certain way. I'm not that way.

I'm not that person. I feel like I am not gay enough but I know I'm not straight. I get confused. Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like anyone?  Now we've moved into an entirely different zone. Asexual....maybe...bisexual....no....pansexual....Who knows. The sad thing is that I didn't even come up with these  thoughts. A year ago I was sure of who I was. I told the world.

I told the world! Is that not enough? Shouldn't that solidify it. It is out there in writing. Why question it? I didn't question it. I told someone once that their sexuality is theirs. Is it? Is my sexuality my own? Everyone else gets caught up in it. Everyone has questions and theories and opinions. It's a phase. He's gaay. You've never been with a man so how do you know? You are bi-curious. I thought I came out for me. Sometimes it seems like I came out for everyone else.

Now I have have to continually come out for the rest of my life.  For the rest of my life I have to tell people what I prefer. I have to defend myself. Discovering that I was gay was a painful process. I had to confirm what I knew over and over. I had to make sure. I had to battle myself. I thought that ended when you came out of the closet. It doesn't. Now I defend myself to everyone else. I tell them I'm sure. I was born this way. Why would I choose this?  This is why I find men attractive...etc.

Let me be clear. I am proud that I came out of the closet. This year I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am comfortable with who I am. My sexuality is my own. That is a lesson that I need to remember. Just because I am not looking for a relationship or a hookup doesn't mean I'm straight. It doesn't mean I'm asexual. It might mean that I'm not confident. It might mean that I don't know how to date men. It might mean I'm terrified. It might mean a lot of things.

I need to stop questioning myself.  I was sure of myself a year ago and I'm sure of myself now. I put my sexuality out of my head into reality. Then I let people get in my head and question myself. The closet was a really shitty place and I'm not going back there. I'm happy guys and I want to stay that way.

It almost feels as if nothings changed at all

It has been a really weird semester so far. I am actually enjoying all of my classes which is really different for me. I've been thinking a lot about my future and what that entails for me. It is really hard to look into the future when you really have no sense of vision. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and now I've come to the end...of my college career. Not my life...I'm still kick'n.

When you are a (double) senior in college everyone expects you to have it figured out. They think you should know exactly what you are going to do because you have been learning how to do it. Does that sentence make any sense? Whatevs. The point is that you are supposed to know your shit. I don't know my shit. My shit is very unknown to me. That's scary.

I mean I have some backup plans but that will just be delaying the inevitable. I am stuck in the same rut that I have been stuck in for four years. The only problem is that my time here is up and I have to make a decision. I can't even make my meal plan last for the entire week. How am I supposed to plan out the rest of my life?  I guess that's the point right? At some point you just have to move on and jump in. You have got to do what scares you. I've gotta be honest here people I'm terrified. It feels like I'm about to dive into the ocean and I don't even know how to swim.