I haven't wrote a blog post since last year and that feels wrong somehow. The problem is that I have lost my willingness to write about anything. The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to put the thoughts in my mind out there. I wanted to share what was going on inside of my brain. Now it seems like there is nothing going on inside of my brain. I'm not saying I feel stupid, I just feel...stuck.
There was a time not too long ago, when I thought everyone had something important to say. I thought that everyone was capable of amazing things and that we could all make the world an amazing place. I don't know if I feel that way anymore and that makes me really really sad.
I'm not in a bad place right now. I'm happy, but i'm worried that I'm trapped. There really is nothing worse than feeling trapped. What's worse is that I also feel very disconnected. College is starting to feel like a dream, like a daze, it's starting to feel forgettable. I don't want those times to be forgettable. I don't want those people to be forgettable.
It's sad because they aren't just forgettable to me, but I'm forgettable to them. Isn't that what we want? To be unforgettable. We like to think that our presence in people's lives was unforgettable. That we have impacted their lives forever and they will never be the same. The sad reality is that we are all just stars in the sky. An illusion of closeness with a million miles between us. We are all just destined to be memories and nothing else.
This post went to a darker place than I intended. I'm discovering my place in this world and I really don't like what I am finding. That's part of growing up I guess. The dreams and fantasies start to devolve into depressing reality. I'm trying to end on a happy note. I having trouble finding one at the moment. I guess for now I can be happy that the friendships I have made are still going strong. Most of them anyway. I guess for the moment, I can be happy with the fact that today I wasn't forgettable.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Friday, May 2, 2014
A letter: Graduation
Dear you,
I am not the same person I was when I walked into Studebaker East all of the years ago. I used to have something to prove. I lost that somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the way I became complacent with putting in minimal effort. My ambition died and was replaced with a sense of...well I don't really know. I hit a wall of uncertainty that culminated in me settling for a future that I never wanted.
I'm lucky that I had a group of friends who were willing to drag me through the mud. Without them, I honestly probably wouldn't be here anymore. They helped me in ways that I cannot begin to explain. They saved me from my myself. I don't know if I can put the thoughts that ran through my head on this blog. I don't even know if I can put those thoughts into words. All I know is that the thing that saved me was the people I surrounded myself with. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me. They probably don't even know it but they saved my life. They kept me going when I couldn't keep me going and I will always be grateful for that.
I realize that this entire post makes my college experience sound awful. It is easy to look back and see all of the bad stuff. Those are the memorable things. Fights, failure and tears are all things that float around in the back of your head. It's easy to remember when you are broken, shattered into a million pieces trying to put yourself back together. That is only a part of my experience.
It feels like I have lived a thousand different lives on this campus. I felt the worst I will probably ever feel and I have felt like the most loved person on the planet. I feel like every person I have met on this campus has impacted me in some way. I can't even explain the mixture of emotions I feel when I think about leaving this place. It's finally happening. In two days I officially graduate college. I thought by the time I graduated college that I would be ready for the world. I would have a clear path with a clear destination. Well surprise, I don't have any more direction than I did when I walked into this place five years ago.
Coming to college is the best decision I ever made. Some person (who I don't know the name of) said that it isn't about the destination but the journey. That was definitely a misquote but it doesn't matter. This journey has been insane. The future doesn't scare me because I've been playing it by ear for my entire lifeIf you were part of my college experience and you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get to my destination. This may be the end of my college career, but I love a good ending.
-Brandon
I am not the same person I was when I walked into Studebaker East all of the years ago. I used to have something to prove. I lost that somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the way I became complacent with putting in minimal effort. My ambition died and was replaced with a sense of...well I don't really know. I hit a wall of uncertainty that culminated in me settling for a future that I never wanted.
I'm lucky that I had a group of friends who were willing to drag me through the mud. Without them, I honestly probably wouldn't be here anymore. They helped me in ways that I cannot begin to explain. They saved me from my myself. I don't know if I can put the thoughts that ran through my head on this blog. I don't even know if I can put those thoughts into words. All I know is that the thing that saved me was the people I surrounded myself with. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me. They probably don't even know it but they saved my life. They kept me going when I couldn't keep me going and I will always be grateful for that.
I realize that this entire post makes my college experience sound awful. It is easy to look back and see all of the bad stuff. Those are the memorable things. Fights, failure and tears are all things that float around in the back of your head. It's easy to remember when you are broken, shattered into a million pieces trying to put yourself back together. That is only a part of my experience.
It feels like I have lived a thousand different lives on this campus. I felt the worst I will probably ever feel and I have felt like the most loved person on the planet. I feel like every person I have met on this campus has impacted me in some way. I can't even explain the mixture of emotions I feel when I think about leaving this place. It's finally happening. In two days I officially graduate college. I thought by the time I graduated college that I would be ready for the world. I would have a clear path with a clear destination. Well surprise, I don't have any more direction than I did when I walked into this place five years ago.
Coming to college is the best decision I ever made. Some person (who I don't know the name of) said that it isn't about the destination but the journey. That was definitely a misquote but it doesn't matter. This journey has been insane. The future doesn't scare me because I've been playing it by ear for my entire lifeIf you were part of my college experience and you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get to my destination. This may be the end of my college career, but I love a good ending.
-Brandon
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Has it really been a year?
Well friends it has officially been a year since the big announcement. One year ago today I took what seemed like the biggest leap that I would ever take. I came out of the closet. I crafted what I though was the perfect message. I hit the submit button around four in the morning. I turned off my phone. I went to bed and I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. The response was overwhelmingly positive and that was that.
Has it really been that long? Have 365 days really passed? Am I different?
Some would definitely say I am. I have heard that I seem more happy. Sometimes I feel like I am really happy. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that I can finally be myself. Sometimes....
Did you know that sexuality is really confusing? I'm gay. I can say it confidently. I can say it. That was a big step for me. Sometimes I still don't feel like I fit. I feel like there is all of these qualifiers that come with being gay. You have to like fashion. You have to be flamboyant. You have to act a certain way and dress a certain way and be a certain way. I'm not that way.
I'm not that person. I feel like I am not gay enough but I know I'm not straight. I get confused. Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like anyone? Now we've moved into an entirely different zone. Asexual....maybe...bisexual....no....pansexual....Who knows. The sad thing is that I didn't even come up with these thoughts. A year ago I was sure of who I was. I told the world.
I told the world! Is that not enough? Shouldn't that solidify it. It is out there in writing. Why question it? I didn't question it. I told someone once that their sexuality is theirs. Is it? Is my sexuality my own? Everyone else gets caught up in it. Everyone has questions and theories and opinions. It's a phase. He's gaay. You've never been with a man so how do you know? You are bi-curious. I thought I came out for me. Sometimes it seems like I came out for everyone else.
Now I have have to continually come out for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life I have to tell people what I prefer. I have to defend myself. Discovering that I was gay was a painful process. I had to confirm what I knew over and over. I had to make sure. I had to battle myself. I thought that ended when you came out of the closet. It doesn't. Now I defend myself to everyone else. I tell them I'm sure. I was born this way. Why would I choose this? This is why I find men attractive...etc.
Let me be clear. I am proud that I came out of the closet. This year I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am comfortable with who I am. My sexuality is my own. That is a lesson that I need to remember. Just because I am not looking for a relationship or a hookup doesn't mean I'm straight. It doesn't mean I'm asexual. It might mean that I'm not confident. It might mean that I don't know how to date men. It might mean I'm terrified. It might mean a lot of things.
I need to stop questioning myself. I was sure of myself a year ago and I'm sure of myself now. I put my sexuality out of my head into reality. Then I let people get in my head and question myself. The closet was a really shitty place and I'm not going back there. I'm happy guys and I want to stay that way.
Has it really been that long? Have 365 days really passed? Am I different?
Some would definitely say I am. I have heard that I seem more happy. Sometimes I feel like I am really happy. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that I can finally be myself. Sometimes....
Did you know that sexuality is really confusing? I'm gay. I can say it confidently. I can say it. That was a big step for me. Sometimes I still don't feel like I fit. I feel like there is all of these qualifiers that come with being gay. You have to like fashion. You have to be flamboyant. You have to act a certain way and dress a certain way and be a certain way. I'm not that way.
I'm not that person. I feel like I am not gay enough but I know I'm not straight. I get confused. Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like anyone? Now we've moved into an entirely different zone. Asexual....maybe...bisexual....no....pansexual....Who knows. The sad thing is that I didn't even come up with these thoughts. A year ago I was sure of who I was. I told the world.
I told the world! Is that not enough? Shouldn't that solidify it. It is out there in writing. Why question it? I didn't question it. I told someone once that their sexuality is theirs. Is it? Is my sexuality my own? Everyone else gets caught up in it. Everyone has questions and theories and opinions. It's a phase. He's gaay. You've never been with a man so how do you know? You are bi-curious. I thought I came out for me. Sometimes it seems like I came out for everyone else.
Now I have have to continually come out for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life I have to tell people what I prefer. I have to defend myself. Discovering that I was gay was a painful process. I had to confirm what I knew over and over. I had to make sure. I had to battle myself. I thought that ended when you came out of the closet. It doesn't. Now I defend myself to everyone else. I tell them I'm sure. I was born this way. Why would I choose this? This is why I find men attractive...etc.
Let me be clear. I am proud that I came out of the closet. This year I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am comfortable with who I am. My sexuality is my own. That is a lesson that I need to remember. Just because I am not looking for a relationship or a hookup doesn't mean I'm straight. It doesn't mean I'm asexual. It might mean that I'm not confident. It might mean that I don't know how to date men. It might mean I'm terrified. It might mean a lot of things.
I need to stop questioning myself. I was sure of myself a year ago and I'm sure of myself now. I put my sexuality out of my head into reality. Then I let people get in my head and question myself. The closet was a really shitty place and I'm not going back there. I'm happy guys and I want to stay that way.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
It almost feels as if nothings changed at all
It has been a really weird semester so far. I am actually enjoying all of my classes which is really different for me. I've been thinking a lot about my future and what that entails for me. It is really hard to look into the future when you really have no sense of vision. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and now I've come to the end...of my college career. Not my life...I'm still kick'n.
When you are a (double) senior in college everyone expects you to have it figured out. They think you should know exactly what you are going to do because you have been learning how to do it. Does that sentence make any sense? Whatevs. The point is that you are supposed to know your shit. I don't know my shit. My shit is very unknown to me. That's scary.
I mean I have some backup plans but that will just be delaying the inevitable. I am stuck in the same rut that I have been stuck in for four years. The only problem is that my time here is up and I have to make a decision. I can't even make my meal plan last for the entire week. How am I supposed to plan out the rest of my life? I guess that's the point right? At some point you just have to move on and jump in. You have got to do what scares you. I've gotta be honest here people I'm terrified. It feels like I'm about to dive into the ocean and I don't even know how to swim.
When you are a (double) senior in college everyone expects you to have it figured out. They think you should know exactly what you are going to do because you have been learning how to do it. Does that sentence make any sense? Whatevs. The point is that you are supposed to know your shit. I don't know my shit. My shit is very unknown to me. That's scary.
I mean I have some backup plans but that will just be delaying the inevitable. I am stuck in the same rut that I have been stuck in for four years. The only problem is that my time here is up and I have to make a decision. I can't even make my meal plan last for the entire week. How am I supposed to plan out the rest of my life? I guess that's the point right? At some point you just have to move on and jump in. You have got to do what scares you. I've gotta be honest here people I'm terrified. It feels like I'm about to dive into the ocean and I don't even know how to swim.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
10 things you don't care to know about Brandon
1. I totally thought I invented the word "should" for like two seconds. I thought it was a moment of creative genius.
2. I thought Cartwheel was a cool name for a child when I was in middle school.
3. I can't tell the difference between sour and bitter.
4. I almost cried during the series finale of ICarly. SHE WENT TO ITALY AND LEFT US BEHIND!!!
5. I did cry during an episode of Ally McBeal.
6. I think dog food smells delicious.
7. I watched Power Rangers until I was 14.
8. I fell asleep in the woods once, I used poison Ivy as my pillow.
9. I secretly think Lindsay Lohan is going to have an epic comeback.
10. I might have watched Designing Women everyday for like 3 years.
2. I thought Cartwheel was a cool name for a child when I was in middle school.
3. I can't tell the difference between sour and bitter.
4. I almost cried during the series finale of ICarly. SHE WENT TO ITALY AND LEFT US BEHIND!!!
5. I did cry during an episode of Ally McBeal.
6. I think dog food smells delicious.
7. I watched Power Rangers until I was 14.
8. I fell asleep in the woods once, I used poison Ivy as my pillow.
9. I secretly think Lindsay Lohan is going to have an epic comeback.
10. I might have watched Designing Women everyday for like 3 years.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Life without a smart phone (first world problems)
Well peeps the inevitable finally happened...my phone got shut off. I knew it was coming. Mike closed the line down a month ago, but I wasn't in a rush to get a new phone because....well I really don't know why. The real problem is that my iphone is dead, like dead dead. So now my entertainment factor has spiraled down to nothing. These are some of the thoughts that have passed through my head over the last few days.
What time is it?
What time is it?
I could win this argument if I had the internet.
I have to go to the restroom what am I going to do?!
What time is it?
I wonder who that actor is, they look so familiar?
I'm bored.
I could check Facebook but my computer is waaaayyy upstairs.
What time is it?
Really though who the fuck is that actor?
I could show you I'm RIGHT IF I HAD MY DAMN PHONE!!!!!
AFFADSJFasd:FJASdFASDfjasdlkjf
I need to buy a clock.
The back of this shampoo bottle looks really interesting. Hmmmm they removed the lather, rinse repeat.
Do I even remember how to check my email on the computer?
Tumblr password....shit
gmail password....shit
Just give me your phone, I WILL prove you wrong....please
I've never actually read the terms and conditions sheet on my bedside table...looks kind of interesting
Will someone please look up that fucking actor?
It's late and I should go to sleep, but what will I do for an hour before I actually fall asleep
Oh you are just going to run inside, I'll just wait here....alone
Fuck this, I'm getting a watch.
The epitome of the first world problem is not having a cell phone. I promise. You don't know what you've got till it's gone has never been more accurate. I wish I wasn't so reliant on technology. This has been a Brandon complains a lot post. The truth is that I have been a little dry on blogging material lately. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Come back soonish...maybe...
What time is it?
What time is it?
I could win this argument if I had the internet.
I have to go to the restroom what am I going to do?!
What time is it?
I wonder who that actor is, they look so familiar?
I'm bored.
I could check Facebook but my computer is waaaayyy upstairs.
What time is it?
Really though who the fuck is that actor?
I could show you I'm RIGHT IF I HAD MY DAMN PHONE!!!!!
AFFADSJFasd:FJASdFASDfjasdlkjf
I need to buy a clock.
The back of this shampoo bottle looks really interesting. Hmmmm they removed the lather, rinse repeat.
Do I even remember how to check my email on the computer?
Tumblr password....shit
gmail password....shit
Just give me your phone, I WILL prove you wrong....please
I've never actually read the terms and conditions sheet on my bedside table...looks kind of interesting
Will someone please look up that fucking actor?
It's late and I should go to sleep, but what will I do for an hour before I actually fall asleep
Oh you are just going to run inside, I'll just wait here....alone
Fuck this, I'm getting a watch.
The epitome of the first world problem is not having a cell phone. I promise. You don't know what you've got till it's gone has never been more accurate. I wish I wasn't so reliant on technology. This has been a Brandon complains a lot post. The truth is that I have been a little dry on blogging material lately. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Come back soonish...maybe...
Monday, June 10, 2013
A Year
It has been a little over a year since I started this blog. I have to be honest and say that I had no idea what I was doing at first. I was bored, lonely, sad and felt that my summer and my life was just passing by. That's the problem with summers, they are speedy. Actually, that's the problem with life. It rushes past without warning and then you're 23 and on the fast track to who-knows-where.
I always wanted a place to document what I was feeling and I always felt like I had something important to say. What most people don't know is that my head is a jumbled mess. I don't think I am unique in that aspect, everybody has their problems. It gets pretty crazy in there sometimes. I spend a lot of time inside my head and sometimes it feels like too much. That was the real purpose behind the blog, to put all of the stuff that runs through my head out there. This was an outlet for people to see the real me, and I think I accomplished that.
In December this blog helped me with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The decision to reveal my true self to people was hastily made. The way I wanted to do it was not. I was stumbling through the internet and I found a (I guess you could call it life changing) post. A guy had came out on Facebook and linked to his personal blog to prove he wasn't hacked. It was in that moment that I decided if I ever came out I would use a personal blog to do it.
It seemed like the perfect solution. I could explain myself to everyone at once! It allowed me to tell people without experiencing their immediate reactions. It made it easier. To some my blog post was a thing of bravery but to me it was written out of cowardice. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? No. The result was more support than I could have ever imagined and I think my life is better because of it.
My blog is extremely personal...obviously. I put things there that I would never say out loud. I wrote a letter to my sister that has no business being on the internet. I put it there because it was in my head and I needed to get it out. I have put my thoughts on love, my fears, my dreams, my goals, I have put everything on my blog. I don't know the point of this post, and it has no particular meaning. I just feel like a year is a long time to consistently update something. Anyone who knows me personally knows I have a hard time with commitment. I'm kind of proud that my desire to write is still here.
I always wanted a place to document what I was feeling and I always felt like I had something important to say. What most people don't know is that my head is a jumbled mess. I don't think I am unique in that aspect, everybody has their problems. It gets pretty crazy in there sometimes. I spend a lot of time inside my head and sometimes it feels like too much. That was the real purpose behind the blog, to put all of the stuff that runs through my head out there. This was an outlet for people to see the real me, and I think I accomplished that.
In December this blog helped me with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The decision to reveal my true self to people was hastily made. The way I wanted to do it was not. I was stumbling through the internet and I found a (I guess you could call it life changing) post. A guy had came out on Facebook and linked to his personal blog to prove he wasn't hacked. It was in that moment that I decided if I ever came out I would use a personal blog to do it.
It seemed like the perfect solution. I could explain myself to everyone at once! It allowed me to tell people without experiencing their immediate reactions. It made it easier. To some my blog post was a thing of bravery but to me it was written out of cowardice. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? No. The result was more support than I could have ever imagined and I think my life is better because of it.
My blog is extremely personal...obviously. I put things there that I would never say out loud. I wrote a letter to my sister that has no business being on the internet. I put it there because it was in my head and I needed to get it out. I have put my thoughts on love, my fears, my dreams, my goals, I have put everything on my blog. I don't know the point of this post, and it has no particular meaning. I just feel like a year is a long time to consistently update something. Anyone who knows me personally knows I have a hard time with commitment. I'm kind of proud that my desire to write is still here.
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