Life without a smart phone (first world problems)

Well peeps the inevitable finally happened...my phone got shut off. I knew it was coming. Mike closed the line down a month ago, but I wasn't in a rush to get a new phone because....well I really don't know why. The real problem is that my iphone is dead, like dead dead. So now my entertainment factor has spiraled down to nothing. These are some of the thoughts that have passed through my head over the last few days.

What time is it?

What time is it?

I could win this argument if I had the internet.

I have to go to the restroom what am I going to do?!

What time is it?

I wonder who that actor is, they look so familiar?

I'm bored.

I could check Facebook but my computer is waaaayyy upstairs.

What time is it?

Really though who the fuck is that actor?

I could show you I'm RIGHT IF I HAD MY DAMN PHONE!!!!!

AFFADSJFasd:FJASdFASDfjasdlkjf

I need to buy a clock.

The back of this shampoo bottle looks really interesting. Hmmmm they removed the lather, rinse repeat.

Do I even remember how to check my email on the computer?

Tumblr password....shit

gmail password....shit

Just give me your phone, I WILL prove you wrong....please

I've never actually read the terms and conditions sheet on my bedside table...looks kind of interesting

Will someone please look up that fucking actor?

It's late and I should go to sleep, but what will I do for an hour before I actually fall asleep

Oh you are just going to run inside, I'll just wait here....alone

Fuck this, I'm getting a watch.

The epitome of the first world problem is not having a cell phone. I promise. You don't know what you've got till it's gone has never been more accurate. I wish I wasn't so reliant on technology. This has been a Brandon complains a lot post. The truth is that I have been a little dry on blogging material lately. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Come back soonish...maybe...

A Year

It has been a little over a year since I started this blog. I have to be honest and say that I had no idea what I was doing at first. I was bored, lonely, sad and felt that my summer and my life was just passing by. That's the problem with summers, they are speedy. Actually, that's the problem with life. It rushes past without warning and then you're 23 and on the fast track to who-knows-where.

I always wanted a place to document what I was feeling and I always felt like I had something important to say. What most people don't know is that my head is a jumbled mess. I don't think I am unique in that aspect, everybody has their problems. It gets pretty crazy in there sometimes. I spend a lot of time inside my head and sometimes it feels like too much. That was the real purpose behind the blog, to put all of the stuff that runs through my head out there. This was an outlet for people to see the real me, and I think I accomplished that.

In December this blog helped me with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The decision to reveal my true self to people was hastily made. The way I wanted to do it was not. I was stumbling through the internet and I found a (I guess you could call it life changing) post. A guy had came out on Facebook and linked to his personal blog to prove he wasn't hacked.  It was in that moment that I decided if I ever came out I would use a personal blog to do it.

It seemed like the perfect solution. I could explain myself to everyone at once! It allowed me to tell people without experiencing their immediate reactions. It made it easier. To some my blog post was a thing of bravery but to me it was written out of cowardice. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? No. The result was more support than I could have ever imagined and I think my life is better because of it.

My blog is extremely personal...obviously. I put things there that I would never say out loud. I wrote a letter to my sister that has no business being on the internet. I put it there because it was in my head and I needed to get it out. I have put my thoughts on love, my fears, my dreams, my goals, I have put everything on my blog. I don't know the point of this post, and it has no particular meaning. I just feel like a year is a long time to consistently update something. Anyone who knows me personally knows I have a hard time with commitment. I'm kind of proud that my desire to write is still here.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It is 3:30 a.m. on the Wednesday of most of my friends final week of college. My,my,my how the time flies. Three whole days until they begin their lives as functioning members of society. Three days until they go out and change lives, or the world for that matter. Three days until the greatness that I know, the greatness that I get to experience everyday is going to be experienced by a whole group of new people who have no idea what they are in for.

It's funny,  one day you are helping someone you barely know raise their bed for the first time and suddenly it's four days until graduation and you can't imagine your life without them.It's funny how the quiet kid who plays video games becomes one of the most stable people in your life for four years. It's funny how the competition becomes one of your closest friends and takes you on a journey that completely changes you as a person. It's funny how the girl in pink who you were never officially introduced to becomes someone who you spend countless hours with, someone who goes out of their way to make you a better person. It's funny how the girl from desk staff becomes one of your closest friends without either of you ever really noticing. . It's funny how these people become part of you, and how they don't know that when they leave they are taking little pieces of you with them.

I knew that when they left I was going to be sad. I knew that I made some friends that I intend to keep forever. What I didn't know was that I was going to meet some of the greatest people I will ever know here. I didn't know that I could be lucky enough to have this many real friendships in my life. I didn't know that when I made one of the most of the difficult decisions in my life that these people would rally around me. I didn't know that people like me got to spend precious time with the "game changers" of the world. If you are wondering how I know these people are game changers, the answer is kind of simple. When these people change other people's lives the way they changed mine, it will get noticed. I just hope people don't take them for granted the way I have, that would be a damn shame.

10 things I miss

I'm sitting at night desk and I got the urge to blog. I always have my blog open just in case I really feel the need to write. This is one of those instances. I was wading through my dashboard on tumblr and I stumbled across a text post that influenced this blog. I don't remember exactly what the text post said, but I just felt the need to write. So here it is, ten things I miss.

1. I miss how everything used to seem so complicated but it really wasn't.
2. I miss my old friends, the ones that I thought would last and didn't.
3. I miss my mom, I miss her a lot these days.
4. I miss when the weekends were fun, now it seems like they are just a countdown to the next Monday.
5. I miss when school was easy and I didn't really need to try.
6. I miss a time when telling the truth was easier than lying.
7. I miss kid fights with my family members, not the heartbreaking fights we have these days.
8. I miss when my only care in the world was what was for lunch that day.
9. I miss riding my bike to the park on a summer day.
10. I miss a time where I didn't need medication to be happy.

Sorry if this post is a little depressing, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Just to be clear, when I say medication I mean anti-depressants not like drugs. I hate nostalgia these days, I hate nostalgia most days. It glorifies a past that probably wasn't that great. We all know living in the past is not good, and that memories are subject to years of misinformation. It just seems like the past was a better time. I'm sure there will eventually be a time where I miss right now. Life isn't terrible right now, it's actually pretty good.

I chose the labyrinth

Hey Guys,

I stumbled across an old post I started to write and I decided to finish it.

So I was reading this book called Looking for Alaska and I felt inspired to blog. I'm thinking about doing a book review on my other blog but that's not what I'm going to do here. There is a line that I want to reflect on. "After all this time, it seems like straight and fast is the only way out but I choose the labyrinth."

I am not sure why but for some reason this line really stands out to me. The labyrinth is our pain and suffering. Sometimes it feels like we are trapped in maze of sorrow and despair. Constantly struggling to find our way to a better, happier existence. The walls are tall and the path is dark, but we have to navigate the labyrinth because we are human.

It seems like straight and fast are the only way out. When you look back, that seems like the easiest answer. Why waste all of this time wandering, struggling, suffering when you can get out quick.(SIDE NOTE: I think this comes off as a bit suicidal, that's definitely not what I was going for. This is where the post ended and now I am going to finish it.)  I definitely think this quote can apply to anything in life. It always seems easiest to take the shortcuts, because that is how we are conditioned. We are bombarded with messages telling us that we need to accomplish everything as fast as possible with a minimal amount of effort.

I tend to think that there is something really rewarding about choosing the labyrinth. You find your way through the twist and turns and eventually you come out a better person. You may be exhausted, tired, and fraught but you made it. If you don't make it out, if you find yourself wandering endlessly,  at least you didn't take the easy way out. That puts you a cut above the rest and maybe you will discover your path. The labyrinth is a dark and scary place but that is what makes it worth taking.

Goal Post-Life

Hello there!

Sorry for the hiatus everyone! There has been tons-o-stress in my life recently and I haven't had the time to blog. Well...I have had the time to blog, I just wasn't feeling it. Times they are a changin' and I finally decided to pick up the pen (or open the laptop or whatever).

It's spring break (yay) and I have been contemplating the current status of my life. Let's be frank, it's a shit show! I know how popular the whole list format is so I'll break it down for ya.

1. I have no job.
2. I have no money.
3. My GPA is VERY sub par.
4. I keep racking up health problems because of my still ballooning weight gain.
5. Over stress

The list goes on and on. I've spent the majority of my break trying to come up with some solutions to my problems. You know what I've come up with? Squat. Fear not, my less than enthused readership because I have a plan. I'm thinking the only way I'm going to see long-term results is with a steady amount of short-term goals. Are we seeing a solution here? I hope so!

This is what I'm thinking. I am going to tackle these problems one short term goal at a time. The job/money problems aren't particularly fixable right now but everything else definitely is. I'm also going to try to start posting more regularly. I love to write and apparently writing gets better with practice.  So here it is, my list of short term goals for the coming week.

Goal 1: 2 homework sessions (by myself or in a group)

Goal 2: Limit myself to 2 sodas per day.

Goal 3: Identify some major causes of stress in my life

Goal 4: Continue looking for a job

I know it doesn't seem like much, but I am going to try very hard to stick to these short-term goals. I hope my distaste for failure will see me through. I'm sorry this post is extremely boring and I hope to come up with some more entertaining material soon. Until that time, this is what you are stuck with. 

Coming out

Well here it is the big reveal. Surprise!  I really don’t know how to write this post. It’s hard, ya know? Revealing your innermost darkest secret to the world is extremely….daunting. I've told some of my family and some friends and now I’m telling you, everyone else.

My sexuality has always been….questionable. I am a feminine man and I do feminine things. I love chick flicks and gossiping is one of my favorite pastimes.  Everyone always assumed and I always denied it.  Well it’s time to face facts kiddos, I am in fact gay. Shocking right?

I know you are probably thinking that I should have done this in a more personal way. Some of you may wonder why I posted this on the web for the world to see.  I can’t explain it. I just need people to know, need them to see me for who I really am. I need to know who I really am, because honestly I don’t even feel like me sometimes. I feel weighed down and heavy.

 I hated myself for a long time. Why? I honestly don’t know. I know it was stupid to feel that angry toward myself. There was nothing to be ashamed about, no reason to hate myself so much.  I always supported the LGBT community, I wasn't homophobic. There was no hatred toward anyone but me. I can’t really say why I hated me, but I know it hurt. It still does. I've dealt with a lot of crap in my life. This is different, this is hiding something away, lying to my friends, family, even myself sometimes.

I pretended to be straight. Lived in a fantasy world where I liked girls because that is what I was supposed to like. I could never love anyone.  How can you love someone else when you hate yourself?  I’m terrified of being me partially because I don’t really know who I am. I made up things, what kind of girls I liked; I fabricated feelings for people just to throw off all of the suspicious people. I've hurt people just to keep me in the clear.  

I became a very good liar. I had to; there was no other way to keep my secret safe. I think that’s what feels the worst. I lied to the people I care about; I looked them in the eyes and denied the truth. For what reason? My friends will accept me for who I am. I should never have made up this lie to begin with. It quickly spun into a vicious web. Some of you have only known me for a few months and I feel bad for lying to you, I really do. Then there are those that have known me for years, the ones that I “shared” my life with, the ones that are supposed to know the real me, the ones who are like family. I am truly sorry that I couldn't tell you the truth. You have to understand that I secretly wanted to. I really did.

I wrote this post over break because it is easier that way. I can stay here hidden in the safety of my house for a couple of weeks. I don’t have to tell people awkwardly and see their expressions. That was the weirdest part about telling my family, waiting for a response. I’m sorry for being a coward, but I have to do this. I’m tired of being dishonest and I am tired of denying who I am.  My cousin said something the other day that kind of influenced this whole post. He told me that even though I am gay, he would never treat me any differently. That is what real friendship should be like. So if I disappointed you or changed your perception of me, I am sorry. This is who I am and it is time I finally accepted it.