Hey,
I understand that you probably have important things to do. What with the state of *gestures vaguely* everything. This is the equivalent of praying right? Just a conversation with you and one of your creations. That's what I thought when I was younger. When I was sure that I could make the world a better place. Just a mental conversation, like telekinesis or something. You, the big guy and the sky, were listening to my every word with rapt attention. You can't fix everything, my 8-year-old self knew that, but at least you were listening.
My 14-year-old self decided that I was probably just yelling into the void. None of it made sense. Too many plot holes. I declared my self an atheist and moved on. There wasn't a lightening strike and cacophonous wailing. Frankly, there wasn't anything. Just like that, my life was way simpler and infinitely more complicated. I was responsible for my own actions, which is cool. I also had to accept the reality that really shitty things just happen and they happen often. Eternity is scary. It's unfathomable. Everything ends. I have trouble believing that something or someone could waste their time dealing with every irrelevant detail of everything that ever was. It's ridiculous.
I remember praying. Every night, i poured my little heart out. Every.Single.Night.Ended.The.Same.
"bless everyone and please keep my mom safe....please"
Drugs. Cancer.Death. In that order. If prayers were pennies, I threw thousands into that wishing well. I pushed with every fiber of my being. I just wanted her to be happy and safe. That, unfortunately, is not the way things work.
Doesn't philippians 4:6 say be anxious for nothing? She was afraid of dying. She was afraid of her eternity. Staring at your own mortality is horrifying and then....the undeniable fact that you are going to burn forever because you aren't saved? What an awful way to deal with the sickness that's eating away at your insides. A pastor came and they said the lord's prayer. She accepted Jesus, your son, into her heart. She died two weeks later. She was hurting and scared and she waited for you. That shows the power of your love... or the power of fear. I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
It's totally cool though, because I don't believe bad things happen to teach me a lesson. I don't believe people get punished for being human. Basically, I don't blame you for cutting me at the trunk while I was still trying to grow. I don't believe these things because that's too easy. Sometimes things just aren't great and thats okay.
I don't want to sound spiteful. I'm not anti-christian or anti-religion. I'm actually pretty envious of my many religious family and friends. They have a sense of divine purpose. They know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are significant. Everything happens for a reason, it's all part of some grand scheme. Because of you, they have complete faith that everything will be alright. You provide them comfort whens things are hard. Because of you, their lives are better. I wish I could have the kind of comfort that they have when I feel like giving up, but I just can't. I wish I knew that after this there was something greater. I wish I thought we could see the dead again. I wish I knew they were waiting for me.
I do want to say thank you for providing righteous comfort. To her. To my friends. To my family. To all of the people that love you.
I do have a final thought for you. Mr. or Mrs. almighty. I really try to be good. I REALLY try to be good. I have sacrificed my own well being to help others, so.many.times. So, if by chance, I die and do find myself wrong. If I find myself standing in front of the pearly gates facing your judgment. I just want you to know that I chose to be good, not because of you. Not out of fear for my soul. Not for praise and not for glory. I chose to be good because goodness doesn't hurt people. Goodness heals. My only goal, ever, is to try and make people's time on this earth as bearable as possible. The best feeling in the world is knowing that you made someone's day a tiny bit brighter. Good people create good people.
Respectfully,
Brandon
