I think it's kind of universally agreed that every parent has a favorite child. I really don't think it is anything personal or malicious. The excuse I heard a lot is that I just didn't need as much. Which is fine, right? A child can totally comprehend that they are just better at being alone than a sibling. That's totally a thing a fourteen-year-old boy is capable of processing. I'm here to tell you from personal experience that telling a young person that shit doesn't make them feel better. Nope, what actually happens is they develop a sense of inadequacy that will last their entire lives. Probably manifesting itself into quirky little problems like severe depression and a binge eating disorder. Cool.
There is, however, one unexpected benefit of being the first loser. I literally never feel good enough. Sounds like a bad thing, doesn't it? It kind of is, but it gives me drive. It fuels this excessive, manic behavior that some may view as unhealthy . I remember in middle school I tried to play every sport imaginable (lol) so my mom would come to the games. I wasn't great at sports (the fatness) so I started focusing on academics. I had choir concerts and spell bowl (I can still spell cumulonimbus without spell check but not much else) and I submitted a poem to a contest and won an award. It was all great, but never quite as exciting as that time my sister wanted to be a cheerleader...
It kept going long after my mom was gone. While in college I joined every club imaginable. My grades were falling but it's okay because I had so many meetings. I was always seeking validation for how hard I was working. I wanted to be a part of every club, but I was never ambitious enough to really excel at anything. I still always thought I should be doing more, even though my mental health was literally falling apart.
A couple of years ago I started going to the gym. I could literally look like a Hemsworth and I still wouldn't feel good enough. A combination of body dysmorphia and feelings of inadequacy can do a lot to a person. I was working out 7 days a week for 2-4 hours at a time and still felt like I wasn't doing enough. It always felt like there were people that were trying harder than I was and I needed to try the hardest. It is not even necessarily that I wanted to be the best. I feel like I can't be the best. I just have some unknown need for everyone to know how hard I'm working.
I've been fighting a back injury for a year and I got laid off from work. I'm not asking for sympathy here. My whole job is down and some people have it a lot worse than I do. I just can't explain to you how debilitating it is to not do anything. For someone who measures their worth on the amount of things they are doing at one time, doing nothing is about as low as it gets (even if it is saving lives). I have a need to be working. A need to be grinding. A need to be trying, and it feels like I'm not trying.
As I'm writing this, I'm trying to find the point. These blogs are about self-reflection more than anything. I can't work out even though I desperately want to and I can't work even though I need to.The good thing is I still want to. I guess I need to realize that It's not what you are doing but why you are doing. I may be doing nothing but that IS doing something, and for once in my life that will have to be good enough.
Stay Safe Everyone.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
A letter to god from an atheist.
Hey,
I understand that you probably have important things to do. What with the state of *gestures vaguely* everything. This is the equivalent of praying right? Just a conversation with you and one of your creations. That's what I thought when I was younger. When I was sure that I could make the world a better place. Just a mental conversation, like telekinesis or something. You, the big guy and the sky, were listening to my every word with rapt attention. You can't fix everything, my 8-year-old self knew that, but at least you were listening.
My 14-year-old self decided that I was probably just yelling into the void. None of it made sense. Too many plot holes. I declared my self an atheist and moved on. There wasn't a lightening strike and cacophonous wailing. Frankly, there wasn't anything. Just like that, my life was way simpler and infinitely more complicated. I was responsible for my own actions, which is cool. I also had to accept the reality that really shitty things just happen and they happen often. Eternity is scary. It's unfathomable. Everything ends. I have trouble believing that something or someone could waste their time dealing with every irrelevant detail of everything that ever was. It's ridiculous.
I remember praying. Every night, i poured my little heart out. Every.Single.Night.Ended.The.Same.
"bless everyone and please keep my mom safe....please"
Drugs. Cancer.Death. In that order. If prayers were pennies, I threw thousands into that wishing well. I pushed with every fiber of my being. I just wanted her to be happy and safe. That, unfortunately, is not the way things work.
Doesn't philippians 4:6 say be anxious for nothing? She was afraid of dying. She was afraid of her eternity. Staring at your own mortality is horrifying and then....the undeniable fact that you are going to burn forever because you aren't saved? What an awful way to deal with the sickness that's eating away at your insides. A pastor came and they said the lord's prayer. She accepted Jesus, your son, into her heart. She died two weeks later. She was hurting and scared and she waited for you. That shows the power of your love... or the power of fear. I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
It's totally cool though, because I don't believe bad things happen to teach me a lesson. I don't believe people get punished for being human. Basically, I don't blame you for cutting me at the trunk while I was still trying to grow. I don't believe these things because that's too easy. Sometimes things just aren't great and thats okay.
I don't want to sound spiteful. I'm not anti-christian or anti-religion. I'm actually pretty envious of my many religious family and friends. They have a sense of divine purpose. They know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are significant. Everything happens for a reason, it's all part of some grand scheme. Because of you, they have complete faith that everything will be alright. You provide them comfort whens things are hard. Because of you, their lives are better. I wish I could have the kind of comfort that they have when I feel like giving up, but I just can't. I wish I knew that after this there was something greater. I wish I thought we could see the dead again. I wish I knew they were waiting for me.
I do want to say thank you for providing righteous comfort. To her. To my friends. To my family. To all of the people that love you.
I do have a final thought for you. Mr. or Mrs. almighty. I really try to be good. I REALLY try to be good. I have sacrificed my own well being to help others, so.many.times. So, if by chance, I die and do find myself wrong. If I find myself standing in front of the pearly gates facing your judgment. I just want you to know that I chose to be good, not because of you. Not out of fear for my soul. Not for praise and not for glory. I chose to be good because goodness doesn't hurt people. Goodness heals. My only goal, ever, is to try and make people's time on this earth as bearable as possible. The best feeling in the world is knowing that you made someone's day a tiny bit brighter. Good people create good people.
Respectfully,
Brandon
I understand that you probably have important things to do. What with the state of *gestures vaguely* everything. This is the equivalent of praying right? Just a conversation with you and one of your creations. That's what I thought when I was younger. When I was sure that I could make the world a better place. Just a mental conversation, like telekinesis or something. You, the big guy and the sky, were listening to my every word with rapt attention. You can't fix everything, my 8-year-old self knew that, but at least you were listening.
My 14-year-old self decided that I was probably just yelling into the void. None of it made sense. Too many plot holes. I declared my self an atheist and moved on. There wasn't a lightening strike and cacophonous wailing. Frankly, there wasn't anything. Just like that, my life was way simpler and infinitely more complicated. I was responsible for my own actions, which is cool. I also had to accept the reality that really shitty things just happen and they happen often. Eternity is scary. It's unfathomable. Everything ends. I have trouble believing that something or someone could waste their time dealing with every irrelevant detail of everything that ever was. It's ridiculous.
I remember praying. Every night, i poured my little heart out. Every.Single.Night.Ended.The.Same.
"bless everyone and please keep my mom safe....please"
Drugs. Cancer.Death. In that order. If prayers were pennies, I threw thousands into that wishing well. I pushed with every fiber of my being. I just wanted her to be happy and safe. That, unfortunately, is not the way things work.
Doesn't philippians 4:6 say be anxious for nothing? She was afraid of dying. She was afraid of her eternity. Staring at your own mortality is horrifying and then....the undeniable fact that you are going to burn forever because you aren't saved? What an awful way to deal with the sickness that's eating away at your insides. A pastor came and they said the lord's prayer. She accepted Jesus, your son, into her heart. She died two weeks later. She was hurting and scared and she waited for you. That shows the power of your love... or the power of fear. I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
It's totally cool though, because I don't believe bad things happen to teach me a lesson. I don't believe people get punished for being human. Basically, I don't blame you for cutting me at the trunk while I was still trying to grow. I don't believe these things because that's too easy. Sometimes things just aren't great and thats okay.
I don't want to sound spiteful. I'm not anti-christian or anti-religion. I'm actually pretty envious of my many religious family and friends. They have a sense of divine purpose. They know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are significant. Everything happens for a reason, it's all part of some grand scheme. Because of you, they have complete faith that everything will be alright. You provide them comfort whens things are hard. Because of you, their lives are better. I wish I could have the kind of comfort that they have when I feel like giving up, but I just can't. I wish I knew that after this there was something greater. I wish I thought we could see the dead again. I wish I knew they were waiting for me.
I do want to say thank you for providing righteous comfort. To her. To my friends. To my family. To all of the people that love you.
I do have a final thought for you. Mr. or Mrs. almighty. I really try to be good. I REALLY try to be good. I have sacrificed my own well being to help others, so.many.times. So, if by chance, I die and do find myself wrong. If I find myself standing in front of the pearly gates facing your judgment. I just want you to know that I chose to be good, not because of you. Not out of fear for my soul. Not for praise and not for glory. I chose to be good because goodness doesn't hurt people. Goodness heals. My only goal, ever, is to try and make people's time on this earth as bearable as possible. The best feeling in the world is knowing that you made someone's day a tiny bit brighter. Good people create good people.
Respectfully,
Brandon
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Whatever it takes to make it through
Suicide. Doesn't it seem like it's all around us? It feels like everyday I hear the story of someone who decided to take their own life. What is there to say to a person who is grieving that very specific kind of loss? I mean we have t.v. shows like "13 Reasons Why" that focus purely on the after effects of a girl who takes her own life. There is a song whose title is the suicide hotline number. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I should tell my story. I haven't really talked about it in great detail because it's easier to laugh it off. I'm not looking for pity or congratulations. I just want to talk openly and honestly about the mindset of someone who believed that there was no other option.
In 2014 I decided that I was going to kill myself. I wish I could explain to you the process with which I made that decision. For some I'm sure, it just comes on a whim. Not for me. It started as a maggot, a small little thought in the back of my mind. I was smack dab in the middle of a major depressive spiral. I stopped taking my anti-depressants about a year before. I was working 12 hours a day at a pharmaceutical company and I would spend most of my days off lying on the floor staring at the wall. I wish I could explain the emptiness I felt. I wish I could really make you feel the heavy ball in the pit of stomach that never went away. I honestly felt like I would never be happy again. At one point, I completely forgot what happiness felt like. That's when the thoughts started.
Just end it. If you are happier when you are sleeping, then why not just permanently go to sleep? What started as a small bug grew like a tapeworm. It was all I could think about and it was all consuming. I knew I was being selfish and I thought about my family often. I was constantly thinking of how much money I needed to save, because after my mom died I knew the burden of an unplanned funeral. I didn't want to leave anyone the financial responsibility of putting me in the ground. I felt bad for my family. I couldn't do it in the house because then someone would have to find me. It's so cruel to ruin the memories of someones home because you don't want to live anymore. That's why I couldn't cut my wrist. You need running water to keep the blood flowing freely so I would have to be in the bathtub. I was too fat to hang myself, so a gun was the only way to go. I started researching gun laws in Indiana. I wanted to know how much it cost to buy one and how long I would have to wait.
It probably seems like I'm being flippant about the whole thing. Now I can look back on it with clarity and see how ridiculous it was. I'm not trying to be cavalier, I'm just trying to be honest.I really couldn't stand being alive. I couldn't stand the pain. I couldn't stand the fabricated aspects of my own reality. No emotion I ever showed was genuine. I was a fraud. Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong. I would stand in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, trying to break away. I felt detached from my own body. Like I was looking down on some sham of a human. Someone who didn't deserve to be here. Someone who didn't contribute to anything. Someone who wasn't wanted.
I wish I could tell you that I chose to stay because of my family, or friends or some loved one. I wish I could tell you that I recognized my worth and decided to stick around. The real answer is much more dumb than that. A reality t.v. show saved my life. More specifically: Big Brother.
I decided that I was going to watch the newest season of Big Brother. I had seen a few episodes and I had some friends in college that were obsessed with it. After watching the first couple of episodes, I decided that I would wait until the show show was over to end my life. If after 99 days I still wanted to commit suicide I would. That would give me the time that I needed to save money for a funeral and I could figure out the rest of my plan.
The best thing about big brother is that it's 24/7. You can literally pay attention to these people all of the time. It's so funny because the season I watched isn't even one of the better seasons. I just used it as a means to escape my brains desire to kill me. I just needed to not be in my head all the time. Slowly, the thoughts died down. I started a new job that wasn't so bad. I was throwing all of my energy into working and watching Big Brother. I was living vicariously through these other people and it was just enough to bring me out of the dark. After 99 daysI decided that life wasn't so bad. I had found the dumbest reason to stick it out and it worked.
I haven't had a suicidal thought in a very long time. I have a special place in my heart for Big Brother. I don't know if or when I'll get hit with another wave of depression. Right now, I have the best support system in the world and I don't ever feel alone. When I have a bad day, I go hard at the gym. I guess the big take away is that if you are hurting and can't seem to find a way out. It doesn't matter what you have to do to make it through. A reality t.v. show literally saved my life. My other favorite t.v. show has a line. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." Convincing yourself to stick around is difficult, but all that matters is you stick around.
In 2014 I decided that I was going to kill myself. I wish I could explain to you the process with which I made that decision. For some I'm sure, it just comes on a whim. Not for me. It started as a maggot, a small little thought in the back of my mind. I was smack dab in the middle of a major depressive spiral. I stopped taking my anti-depressants about a year before. I was working 12 hours a day at a pharmaceutical company and I would spend most of my days off lying on the floor staring at the wall. I wish I could explain the emptiness I felt. I wish I could really make you feel the heavy ball in the pit of stomach that never went away. I honestly felt like I would never be happy again. At one point, I completely forgot what happiness felt like. That's when the thoughts started.
Just end it. If you are happier when you are sleeping, then why not just permanently go to sleep? What started as a small bug grew like a tapeworm. It was all I could think about and it was all consuming. I knew I was being selfish and I thought about my family often. I was constantly thinking of how much money I needed to save, because after my mom died I knew the burden of an unplanned funeral. I didn't want to leave anyone the financial responsibility of putting me in the ground. I felt bad for my family. I couldn't do it in the house because then someone would have to find me. It's so cruel to ruin the memories of someones home because you don't want to live anymore. That's why I couldn't cut my wrist. You need running water to keep the blood flowing freely so I would have to be in the bathtub. I was too fat to hang myself, so a gun was the only way to go. I started researching gun laws in Indiana. I wanted to know how much it cost to buy one and how long I would have to wait.
It probably seems like I'm being flippant about the whole thing. Now I can look back on it with clarity and see how ridiculous it was. I'm not trying to be cavalier, I'm just trying to be honest.I really couldn't stand being alive. I couldn't stand the pain. I couldn't stand the fabricated aspects of my own reality. No emotion I ever showed was genuine. I was a fraud. Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong. I would stand in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, trying to break away. I felt detached from my own body. Like I was looking down on some sham of a human. Someone who didn't deserve to be here. Someone who didn't contribute to anything. Someone who wasn't wanted.
I wish I could tell you that I chose to stay because of my family, or friends or some loved one. I wish I could tell you that I recognized my worth and decided to stick around. The real answer is much more dumb than that. A reality t.v. show saved my life. More specifically: Big Brother.
I decided that I was going to watch the newest season of Big Brother. I had seen a few episodes and I had some friends in college that were obsessed with it. After watching the first couple of episodes, I decided that I would wait until the show show was over to end my life. If after 99 days I still wanted to commit suicide I would. That would give me the time that I needed to save money for a funeral and I could figure out the rest of my plan.
The best thing about big brother is that it's 24/7. You can literally pay attention to these people all of the time. It's so funny because the season I watched isn't even one of the better seasons. I just used it as a means to escape my brains desire to kill me. I just needed to not be in my head all the time. Slowly, the thoughts died down. I started a new job that wasn't so bad. I was throwing all of my energy into working and watching Big Brother. I was living vicariously through these other people and it was just enough to bring me out of the dark. After 99 daysI decided that life wasn't so bad. I had found the dumbest reason to stick it out and it worked.
I haven't had a suicidal thought in a very long time. I have a special place in my heart for Big Brother. I don't know if or when I'll get hit with another wave of depression. Right now, I have the best support system in the world and I don't ever feel alone. When I have a bad day, I go hard at the gym. I guess the big take away is that if you are hurting and can't seem to find a way out. It doesn't matter what you have to do to make it through. A reality t.v. show literally saved my life. My other favorite t.v. show has a line. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." Convincing yourself to stick around is difficult, but all that matters is you stick around.
Friday, January 15, 2016
I want to be better
I'm pretty sure the only time I ever write on this thing is when I'm having some sort of emotional turmoil. Now, you are probably thinking, "Brandon, are you going through ANOTHER existential crisis?" To that say, when is that not happening? Like ... you wouldn't want to take a stroll in this big ol' head. It's not a happy place. I mean sometimes but not usually...
The topic of the day is Goals! I know I've touched on goals before and I'll probably touch on goals again. The reason I keep coming back to goals is because I never complete them! Contrary to popular belief, I cannot do anything I set my mind to. I'm completely worthless and thats okay, probably...
In all seriousness, I actually got a pretty decent amount of stuff accomplished last year. I finally learned to drive and I finally got my license. That was pretty cool. I tried dating. That didn't work out...I, uh, got a new laptop! That was cool. Yeah,, it was a good year.
There is so much I want to do and I just can't find the motivation to do it. I (once again) am so grateful for the people in my life. The truth is, without them I wouldn't ever do anything. I had to be dragged to the car place to buy a car. I threw a freakin' tantrum trying not to go to that place. I just don't make moves. A move maker I am not.
I think I have a fear that something will go wrong. That's some kind of law or something. Anything that can happen will happen (GOOGLE TIME: Murphy's Law!). Not winning the powerball, because I don't ever see that shit happening. I get frozen by the fact that something will go wrong. That's no way to live my life. This is the same reason dating didn't work out; I'm afraid something will happen. Good or bad.
I'm not going to post a list of goals, because we all know how that worked out. I'm just going to let you know that I am working on myself. I want to be better. I can only think of a handful of times that I have ever really been proud of myself. My biggest goal is to finally like who I am. I know I am capable.
The topic of the day is Goals! I know I've touched on goals before and I'll probably touch on goals again. The reason I keep coming back to goals is because I never complete them! Contrary to popular belief, I cannot do anything I set my mind to. I'm completely worthless and thats okay, probably...
In all seriousness, I actually got a pretty decent amount of stuff accomplished last year. I finally learned to drive and I finally got my license. That was pretty cool. I tried dating. That didn't work out...I, uh, got a new laptop! That was cool. Yeah,, it was a good year.
There is so much I want to do and I just can't find the motivation to do it. I (once again) am so grateful for the people in my life. The truth is, without them I wouldn't ever do anything. I had to be dragged to the car place to buy a car. I threw a freakin' tantrum trying not to go to that place. I just don't make moves. A move maker I am not.
I think I have a fear that something will go wrong. That's some kind of law or something. Anything that can happen will happen (GOOGLE TIME: Murphy's Law!). Not winning the powerball, because I don't ever see that shit happening. I get frozen by the fact that something will go wrong. That's no way to live my life. This is the same reason dating didn't work out; I'm afraid something will happen. Good or bad.
I'm not going to post a list of goals, because we all know how that worked out. I'm just going to let you know that I am working on myself. I want to be better. I can only think of a handful of times that I have ever really been proud of myself. My biggest goal is to finally like who I am. I know I am capable.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
I Just Am
I was reading a book the other day and I realized something. There was an interesting theory. This theory stated that when we look into the future we only see the positive things. We only see the how great things are going to be. For example, when we think about our birthdays we think that they are going to be amazing. We think this with no basis of what is actually going to happen on our birthday. We do not consider that no one could show up, or that we could be sick, or that something really awful could happen. We just see how amazing things are going to be.
This prompted me to ask my friend where she saw herself in the future. Not any particular time, just the future. She responded that she knows that things will definitely be better than they are now. She also said that she wasn't an optimist, she was a realist. She just knows that this isn't the best that things will be. I told her that I disagree and that conversation went on for a long time. This inevitably led to her asking me where I saw myself in ten years. This is where I encountered my problem. I have no vision of the future. I have no goals.
I realized awhile ago that I don't get excited about things like other people do. I want something and then when I get it, I don't really feel anything. No happiness, no sense of joy, nothing. I just have what I wanted. I'm twenty-five and I just got my driver's license. Do you know what I did after I got something I had been planning on getting for a long time? Something that will literally make my life better. I went to sleep, and then got up and went to work.
I get excited to see people, but I never feel like I'm as excited as I should be. I'm never extremely happy and I haven't been extremely sad in a long time.I feel like a robot. I know that sounds cliche, but hope is what makes us human right? I'm devolving into some subspecies of human that is nothing but apathy. I don't see a happy future and I don't see a sad future, I just see a future. I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I just am. I just exist. I'm not upset about it, but I feel like I should be.
This prompted me to ask my friend where she saw herself in the future. Not any particular time, just the future. She responded that she knows that things will definitely be better than they are now. She also said that she wasn't an optimist, she was a realist. She just knows that this isn't the best that things will be. I told her that I disagree and that conversation went on for a long time. This inevitably led to her asking me where I saw myself in ten years. This is where I encountered my problem. I have no vision of the future. I have no goals.
I realized awhile ago that I don't get excited about things like other people do. I want something and then when I get it, I don't really feel anything. No happiness, no sense of joy, nothing. I just have what I wanted. I'm twenty-five and I just got my driver's license. Do you know what I did after I got something I had been planning on getting for a long time? Something that will literally make my life better. I went to sleep, and then got up and went to work.
I get excited to see people, but I never feel like I'm as excited as I should be. I'm never extremely happy and I haven't been extremely sad in a long time.I feel like a robot. I know that sounds cliche, but hope is what makes us human right? I'm devolving into some subspecies of human that is nothing but apathy. I don't see a happy future and I don't see a sad future, I just see a future. I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I just am. I just exist. I'm not upset about it, but I feel like I should be.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Feeling-Scared? Feeling-Content.
I am at a point in my life where I am scared. If you are wondering why I am scared, you should just hold your freakin' horses because I am getting ready to tell you. I am content where I am right now.
You may be wondering why my contentedness (which is a word I looked it up) would be scary. The reason it is scary, my curious friend, is because this isn't where I thought I would be right now.
The reason I went to college was so that I wouldn't have to work in a factory for the rest of my life. I wish someone would have told me that factories pay so well. I wish they would have told me that in two years, I would be making more than enough to support myself. All without $50,000 worth of student debt. Those things would have been cool to know.
It's all right. College was amazing. I got some awesome things from my school. I got friends that I will probably always have. I grew as a person and discovered a lot about myself in that five years.
College was amazing. That's what I keep telling myself.
College gave me opportunity.
College gave me skills.
College gave me friends.
College gave me my first bout with depression.
College gave me an anxiety disorder.
College gave me an overwhelming sense of failure.
College gave me jealousy.
College gave me a personality.
College gave me individuality.
College gave me sixty pounds.
College gave me disappointment.
College gave me hope.
College taught me a lot. Not what it takes to get a job in my desired field, with decent pay, but it taught me some things. College taught me that dreams don't come true.
I watch movies or t.v. shows and the person says "I'm going to go to college and get out of this dead end town." I know that that "dead end" town will take you back. It won't deny you the life that you deserve because your gpa was too low. It doesn't care that you didn't try hard enough.
I am not better or bigger than this town. I am not better or bigger than this job. I'm content. That scares me, but that's okay.
You may be wondering why my contentedness (which is a word I looked it up) would be scary. The reason it is scary, my curious friend, is because this isn't where I thought I would be right now.
The reason I went to college was so that I wouldn't have to work in a factory for the rest of my life. I wish someone would have told me that factories pay so well. I wish they would have told me that in two years, I would be making more than enough to support myself. All without $50,000 worth of student debt. Those things would have been cool to know.
It's all right. College was amazing. I got some awesome things from my school. I got friends that I will probably always have. I grew as a person and discovered a lot about myself in that five years.
College was amazing. That's what I keep telling myself.
College gave me opportunity.
College gave me skills.
College gave me friends.
College gave me my first bout with depression.
College gave me an anxiety disorder.
College gave me an overwhelming sense of failure.
College gave me jealousy.
College gave me a personality.
College gave me individuality.
College gave me sixty pounds.
College gave me disappointment.
College gave me hope.
College taught me a lot. Not what it takes to get a job in my desired field, with decent pay, but it taught me some things. College taught me that dreams don't come true.
I watch movies or t.v. shows and the person says "I'm going to go to college and get out of this dead end town." I know that that "dead end" town will take you back. It won't deny you the life that you deserve because your gpa was too low. It doesn't care that you didn't try hard enough.
I am not better or bigger than this town. I am not better or bigger than this job. I'm content. That scares me, but that's okay.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Forgettable
I haven't wrote a blog post since last year and that feels wrong somehow. The problem is that I have lost my willingness to write about anything. The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to put the thoughts in my mind out there. I wanted to share what was going on inside of my brain. Now it seems like there is nothing going on inside of my brain. I'm not saying I feel stupid, I just feel...stuck.
There was a time not too long ago, when I thought everyone had something important to say. I thought that everyone was capable of amazing things and that we could all make the world an amazing place. I don't know if I feel that way anymore and that makes me really really sad.
I'm not in a bad place right now. I'm happy, but i'm worried that I'm trapped. There really is nothing worse than feeling trapped. What's worse is that I also feel very disconnected. College is starting to feel like a dream, like a daze, it's starting to feel forgettable. I don't want those times to be forgettable. I don't want those people to be forgettable.
It's sad because they aren't just forgettable to me, but I'm forgettable to them. Isn't that what we want? To be unforgettable. We like to think that our presence in people's lives was unforgettable. That we have impacted their lives forever and they will never be the same. The sad reality is that we are all just stars in the sky. An illusion of closeness with a million miles between us. We are all just destined to be memories and nothing else.
This post went to a darker place than I intended. I'm discovering my place in this world and I really don't like what I am finding. That's part of growing up I guess. The dreams and fantasies start to devolve into depressing reality. I'm trying to end on a happy note. I having trouble finding one at the moment. I guess for now I can be happy that the friendships I have made are still going strong. Most of them anyway. I guess for the moment, I can be happy with the fact that today I wasn't forgettable.
There was a time not too long ago, when I thought everyone had something important to say. I thought that everyone was capable of amazing things and that we could all make the world an amazing place. I don't know if I feel that way anymore and that makes me really really sad.
I'm not in a bad place right now. I'm happy, but i'm worried that I'm trapped. There really is nothing worse than feeling trapped. What's worse is that I also feel very disconnected. College is starting to feel like a dream, like a daze, it's starting to feel forgettable. I don't want those times to be forgettable. I don't want those people to be forgettable.
It's sad because they aren't just forgettable to me, but I'm forgettable to them. Isn't that what we want? To be unforgettable. We like to think that our presence in people's lives was unforgettable. That we have impacted their lives forever and they will never be the same. The sad reality is that we are all just stars in the sky. An illusion of closeness with a million miles between us. We are all just destined to be memories and nothing else.
This post went to a darker place than I intended. I'm discovering my place in this world and I really don't like what I am finding. That's part of growing up I guess. The dreams and fantasies start to devolve into depressing reality. I'm trying to end on a happy note. I having trouble finding one at the moment. I guess for now I can be happy that the friendships I have made are still going strong. Most of them anyway. I guess for the moment, I can be happy with the fact that today I wasn't forgettable.
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